


New

by Listae



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-01-10 00:03:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 55,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Listae/pseuds/Listae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>New. Yes, that's exactly the word that came to Castiel's mind whenever he thought of what was happening. All of this was new. New almost human life, new emotions, new feelings. And Dean... Yes, new.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

New. Yes, this word did seem to sum up all the misery and joy, all the devastation and hope Castiel had been feeling lately. New.

The novelty of his slowly seeping grace has not worn off as the weeks of his fall slowly turned into months. And how could it have? Castiel had been the angel of the Lord for millennia – longer than he cared to remember, and yet now… Human, or almost human at the best. Being celestial meant stability and certainty. It was not always easy to be an angel, but it’s been millennia and Castiel knew it well – one must have faith, one must obey, one mustn’t allow a doubt and one mustn’t feel.

And now this human life. Castiel is presented with the choice at every turn, when all he’s been taught was to follow the orders. It’s been drilled into the core of his being – to be obedient little soldier, no questions, no hesitation. The shudders rip through the fallen angel as he remembers his last reconditioning.

_“Have faith.” His brother has ordered, plunging his blade into Castiel’s arm, slashing the arteries, ripping the muscles of his borrowed vessel._

_“Obey.” His sister ordered, drawing pain sigils onto his vessel’s chest._

Instead now he’s faithless, full of doubt and there’s a raging storm of feelings and emotions under his too human skin that he cannot make sense of. There’s warmth of sunshine on his skin, when he tilts his head up in the morning; there’s dampness of summer rain, that’s refreshing at first, but makes his body shiver unpleasantly if he stays under the downpour for too long; there’s scratchiness of the fabric of his borrowed jeans, although well worn, still rough at the edges; there’s stirring of something he cannot identify deep inside his chest, when he watches the Winchesters. There’s so much more that his almost human brain can’t even absorb. And everything, everything at all is new.

Castiel sighed and lied back on his faithful trench coat that was beginning to fray at the sleeves and lapels, now that he no longer had the power to fix it. It protected him from the dampness of the evening due, but Castiel knew it won’t take long for it to seep through. It didn’t matter. Castiel had always enjoyed looking at the stars. He enjoyed the peacefulness of the night, the quiet, unperturbed tranquility that always followed the sunset in the distant areas. This was not one of those; the town was too close, the walls of the motel behind him were too thin to block the sounds coming from inside. And yet it was dark enough to watch the stars and enjoy the peacefulness of familiar patterns. He used to think the stars were his father’s greatest creation. Now, of course, he knew better.

Castiel lied there watching the stars for a long while. He slowed his breathing, trying to center himself, trying to compose himself and find the inner peace he’s been missing so much. Instead, his mind couldn’t help but marvel at the sound of grasshopper, chirping happily in the grass somewhere to his right. He was so easily distracted now, so restless. The smell of grass enticed him, distant rumble of a car sprang to his attention, shimmering light of a satellite made him wonder. But then he heard light and yet purposeful footsteps falling to the ground and his attention span coiled to the sound alone. Dean had never failed to grab his attention.

“Cas!” An exasperated, husky voice exclaimed as the sound of footsteps finally stopped. “The grass is wet, what the hell are you doing? Don’t lie there; you’ll get a freakin’ cold!”

“Stars, Dean.” Castiel offered an explanation. “It’s easier to look at them lying down.”

“You’ll get sick, man! I sure as hell am not looking after your sorry ass if you’re sick.”

“I don’t get sick.”

“You do know.” Dean muttered and sat beside his friend. “Why are you looking at the stars anyway? Weren’t you there when they were created, or something?”

“I’m not _that_ old.” The angel replied and Dean could’ve sworn he heard the notes of indignation in his voice. “Father created me after he created mankind. I’m one of his last. And to answer your question, I’m looking at them because it’s peaceful. They don’t change that much, you know? They are as close to eternal as things get. For ages I used to think they were his greatest creation.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Dean nodded looking up. “Eternal, huh?”

“I don’t think so anymore.” Castiel continued his train of thought.

“What? Greatest creation?” The hunter asked and Castiel nodded absently. “Why not? They are pretty awesome.”

“Because you are greater.” He said simply, as if it was the most natural thing to say. Dean idly thought that Castiel had always had the ability to come up with shit that pulled the rug straight from under Dean’s feet.

“Come on, man!” He scowled.

The angel looked at his friend then, capturing his gaze and holding it still with his eyes. “I think you’re astonishing.”

“Cas!” Dean sighed exasperated. “This is not something you can say to another dude! Come on, you must know that!”

Cas briefly wondered if this was one more of profoundly foolish human things and then sighed heavily.

“I believe it’s true. I believe humans are his best creation and I don’t see how the gender of the one I tell this to is at all significant. I have been an angel for longer than my human brain is able to comprehend and I’ve been close to human for some time now. I think you are remarkable. I’ve never had more respect for your kind – you go through hardships and pains of human life with such dignity, it astounds me. And then there’s… you.”

“You’re making me uncomfortable, man.” Dean growled dropping his gaze. “Besides, there’s literally nothing special about me except my outstanding ability to fuck things up.”

“You can’t see yourself clearly, Dean, and I’m so sorry that you can’t. You are extraordinary. There’s nothing simple about you. Having gone through hell in both the Pit and on Earth, you managed to stay sane and intact. You are the grounding your brother needs you to be, but you also manage to stay grounded yourself. I see it in you – your love for Sam, your dedication, your unfaltering and stubborn belief in him, despite everything. And even me… You even care for the fallen angel… I am amazed by you, Dean.”

“Stop, just fucking… stop!”

“I've seen you and I know you; there’s nothing about you that doesn’t amaze me.”

“Enough! You know nothing about me!” The hunter jumped up from the ground angrily. “Just because you’re an angel of the freakin’ lord, doesn’t mean you know anything!”

“I’ve angered you.” Castiel said slowly, looking at him apologetically. “I’m sorry, that was not my intention. I thought you would like to know how I see you. I understand I was mistaken.”

“Yeah, well maybe, for once in your life, you could keep your fucking distance!” Dean yelled and Castiel dropped his gaze at once.

“I apologize; I won’t let this happen again.” He murmured and then lied back to watch the stars again. He tried to ignore the angry footsteps receding into the distance, tried not to think about the tightening in his own chest at the anger of the man he was closest to, tried to concentrate on the stars again. He failed miserably. Dean was angry, because Castiel had told him how he felt about him. It didn’t make sense at all. More often than not, and the ‘not’ part is reserved to watching Dean shove the food into his mouth hurriedly, as if someone was about to steal it, he was in awe of Dean. Why did it anger him? Was Castiel not supposed to admire his friend? Or was it precisely Castiel that Dean didn’t want to admire him? This was so confusing, so utterly new… Dean had let him stay when his grace receded so much he could no longer teleport. He insisted on him staying, even. Has he changed his mind? Was Castiel’s presence bothering him? Maybe it was his way of telling him to go away?

Castiel closed his eyes and tried to relax. He will have to ask Dean, soon. He never wanted to be a burden and even though he had no idea how to survive this human world without the Winchesters, he would never stay if he was unwelcome. Not tonight, though, not when Dean is mad. The angel looked up again and traced the familiar patterns of constellation that humans called Orion. Ever since he had found peace in the endless Tuesdays that served as heaven to an autistic man, Castiel always saw kite in the shape of this constellation. It helped him calm down, the familiarity of it, the comfort in the replica of heaven, when the real host was no longer accessible.

Castiel didn’t notice how he slipped into a restless sleep, but when he woke up 3 hours later, there was a warm blanket covering him head to toe. He didn’t stop nor hide the smile that curved his lips as he went back to the motel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this story takes place sometime during season 6, after Sam was re-souled, but Cas has never made a deal with Crowley. It won't follow canon closely, so I suppose it's an AU.  
> Hope you like it!


	2. Raphael

The pain was something Castiel had never anticipated. As the angel, he was able to endure pain, even severe pain, but it was completely different from what he felt now. His body shook with so many different pains all over it. His arm was broken and so were at least two of his ribs, which made breathing curiously difficult. His jaw ached, but Castiel didn’t think it was broken. His lip was cut and so was his eyebrow. He remembered hearing that head wounds bled a lot, but he was still surprised by the amount of blood pouring from the back of his head. He was almost sure his scull wasn’t fractured, or maybe it was wishful thinking anyway, but his head hurt like hell. His knee was twisted and he couldn’t stand up. There was something wrong with his insides, but he wasn’t sure what. To cap it all, he started coughing and the thin stream of blood ran down his chin, splashing onto his dirty trench coat, already blotchy with blood.

And after all, it didn’t really matter, because he was about to die anyway.

As he stared into the eyes of his cruel, satisfied and unrelenting death, all he could think of was the fact that he didn’t have enough time to be human. He regretted deeply for not having a chance to spend more time with the Winchesters. He wished he had had an opportunity to go on a rollercoaster – something he heard Dean talking about. He had never been to a movie. He had never baked a pie. He had never learned to swim. He wasn’t even sure he couldn’t swim, because he had never tried. And, as Dean was sure to point out crudely and repeatedly, he had never gotten laid.

He knew it was his own fault. Dean had told him to stay away, to stay behind and not to try helping. He should’ve listened and yet he knew that given the chance he would’ve disobeyed again. He wasn’t supposed to be guarded by Dean, it was the other way around – he was supposed to look after the brothers. When Dean was given the lead on Raphael and his plans, Castiel asked him to let it be. He asked him to leave it alone, to let Castiel take care of it. Even though he was no longer an angel, not really, he still had brothers and sisters loyal to him. He could have tried convincing them to stand up to Raphael, to fight him. Instead, Dean decided he and Sam could take an archangel by themselves and that left Castiel no choice at all. He might have been able to convince his brothers to fight Raphael in time, but Dean has left none of it to him. So the only option Castiel was left with was to distract Raphael and make sure the brothers won’t find him. He begged Anna to help him, to lure Raphael to him. She refused at first, but being what she was, a Team Free Will player she finally accepted that it was Castiel’s choice to die for his cause. So, she made sure Raphael got the word of Castiel being in this deserted shack where he came an instant he heard of it, thus missing the brothers.

Raphael was overjoyed to have found Castiel alone and powerless. There was nothing of the brotherly love left in him for the fallen angel. The rebellious little fool had disobeyed his father and Raphael would punish him for that. He would punish him gladly and severely.

Every blow and every strike was calculated to cause pain, but not to knock him out, not to kill him too fast. Raphael assumed the role of the avenger, the carrier of the judgment of God and he relished in this role. And with every strike Castiel accepted his inevitable destruction more and more. He made his peace with it – surely it was not the worst way to go. He was still fighting, as futile as it may be, and is there a better way for a soldier to go than during the fight for what one believes is right?

“Goodbye, brother.” He muttered through fits of coughing and attempted to smile as Raphael leaned back for a final strike. Castiel forced his eyes to stay open; he wanted to see his brother’s face when he died, but instead what he saw was a tip of an angel blade piercing the archangel’s neck. Raphael’s eyes widened in surprise and pained disbelief as his own blade suddenly fell out of his hand with a loud clank. Castiel focused his gaze behind him to see Dean, standing firmly, pushing the blade even further into Raphael’s neck. His eyes were fixed on the back of the angel’s head and the look on his face was the one Castiel had never thought he would see again. Anger, hatred, despair and wild sort of excitement – all of it was familiar in the worst sort of way. This was the face of Dean he first met; Alistair’s Dean.

“Close… your eyes…” Castiel tried to worn Dean, tried to pull him out of the haze he was in, but it was so hard to draw the breath in that it came out as a wheezing whisper. Raphael was about to die and in his death he would blind or even kill Dean. He couldn’t let this happen. He was dying to protect Dean from Raphael, he would not let this happen.

“Dean!” He shouted with the last bits of strength he could muster. The thin stream of blood ran down his chin, but the relief he felt when the hunter looked at him was so immense he almost wept. “Let go and hide…” And with that, although moments later the whole surroundings were filled with the brightest light, he succumbed to the darkness.

 

 

It wasn’t slow, he wasn’t drifting slowly back to reality. It was sharp, abrupt, very painful and definitely new. Castiel opened his eyes and tried to assess what was happening. Every inch of his body ached and his vision was slightly blurred. He tried to take a deep breath to steady himself, but it didn’t work – apparently taking deep breaths hurt. Finally, he focused on the slight pressure he felt on his leg and saw Dean’s head resting there. Dean was probably sitting in the armchair, but at some point he had drifted to sleep and rested his head on Castiel’s leg.

Despite the haze of pain and what Castiel assumed was pain medication, he couldn’t help but notice the details of his surroundings. He seemed to be lying on a bed in a hospital. There were many tubes poking from his left arm and his right arm was entrapped in some kind of the cast. His head was wrapped in bandages and there was something that felt like a cast around his torso. The knee of one of his legs was immobilized by something hard and uncomfortable. All in all – he was appallingly powerless. He focused his gaze on Dean then.

He was wearing the same clothes he did when he left to find Raphael, Castiel noticed idly. Alright, this probably meant that not much time has passed, even though Castiel had an odd feeling of lost time.

Raphael… There was something about Raphael that he couldn’t quite grasp. Dean went to find Raphael and… And what? Why was Castiel in the hospital? Why did everything hurt? Raphael… Something about… And then with a jolt Castiel remembered everything. It hurt because Raphael had beaten him severely. It also hurt because Raphael was dead. He was Castiel’s brother after all and it hurt that he had died; but most of all it hurt, because Castiel was shamefully relieved his brother was dead – he was no longer a threat to any of them and Dean was… Safe.

Castiel tried to move the fingers of the hand that was in the cast. They wriggled obediently, albeit numbly, so he tried to pull the tubes out of his left arm. Suddenly, the machinery above his head started beeping and Dean stirred in his sleep. Before he did more than that, the nurse burst into the room and shoved Dean out of her way.

“What?” Dean was quickly on his feet and staring at the rushing nurse.

“You need to get out!” She turned away from him and spoke quickly into the phone receiver. “Doctor, your 3103 patient is up.”

Dean’s eyes darted to Castiel’s and he sighed with relief seeing the angel look back at him.

“I’m alright, Dean.” He whispered and his voice croaked from obvious lack of use.

Then against his better judgment, against any judgment whatsoever Dean growled under his breath. “You almost died!” He yelled, his relief was flushed out and replaced with so much anger even he was surprised. “I told you to stay away and you go and almost get yourself killed! You almost got yourself killed!”

“Boy, out!” The nurse pushed him toward the door angrily. “This is not the time! He needs rest and treatment, not the shouts from an angry boyfriend! No! Out, out, out!”

Although shaking with rage Dean allowed the nurse to push him out the door. He couldn’t calm down and if he stayed he knew he’d keep shouting and yelling at Cas. The poor bastard was so close to death the freakin’ doctor had told Dean to get a priest! A priest, for crying out loud! Whoever had said life’s humorless was a fucking moron! It’s been two days since he brought bleeding, unconscious Castiel to the ER. Two freakin’ days of hoping against hope that the stupid angel would make it. Dean couldn’t bring himself to go home, to eat or drink. Sam was infuriatingly fussing about him , trying to get him eat something, but all Dean could think of was that if he left for even a moment Castiel might die. And so he stayed with him all the time.

And now the idiot is up and he’s ‘alright’! Alright! The fury coursed through him once again. He would not let that damned fool out of his sight again! He will lock him up if that’s what it takes, but he will definitely not let him get hurt again!

 

Castiel stayed completely focused all through the examination of the doctor. It hurt and it was hard to concentrate, but he did as much as he could to show the doctor he was alright. Perhaps then the doctor would tell Dean this and he wouldn’t be as angry.

Castiel couldn’t understand why Dean was so angry. He did his job, after all. He was a soldier, he fought. Raphael was a better soldier and he won. So why did Dean yell? He saved Castiel and he killed Raphael – why was he unhappy? It was so confusing…

Once the examination was over, the doctor sat in the armchair that Dean was sleeping in.

“You seem to be recovering quite well, Mr….” Doctor said expectantly.

“My name is Castiel.” He replied.

“Yes, Castiel. Well, you did give us a scare. For the moment there we were not sure you were going to make it. Your lung was punctured by one of the broken ribs and you were bleeding quite severely. You’re lucky your friend brought you here so quickly after your injuries occurred.”

“Dean… Yes, I’m lucky.” Castiel answered thoughtfully. So Dean brought him to the hospital after he killed Raphael.

“He didn’t leave your side for a moment, you know? You really have a good friend. Anyway, I’m pleased to see the progress you’re making. All your injuries have been patched up and they are healing quite well. There was some blood pressure rising in your brain, but with the medication we managed to lower it, so no head surgery was needed. You’ve been unconscious for two days and most of that time you spent in surgeries during which we put the cast on your arm, patched up your lung and immobilized your ribs, straighten your knee and put a cast on it as well. The healing won’t be easy, but there should not be any permanent damage. And I expect you will be able to walk in two to three weeks.”

“I want to leave.” Castiel said silently.

“This is out of the question, Castiel. You need constant care. We’re not sure as of yet that your head wound won’t get any worse and honestly – you are going to be in significant pain for some time.”

“Can I speak to Dean?” Castiel asked dismissively. This doctor knew nothing of the raging war. He needed to get out, now.

“I think your friend there is in no state to speak to you. The nurse told me he was shouting at you from the moment you woke up.”

“Dean is very confusing person,” he agreed and then continued, “I wish to speak to him.”

“Alright, I will let him in as I leave. Castiel, there’s one more thing I need to talk to you. I will have to call the police shortly as you have been severely injured. What happened to you?”

“Doctor, I want to speak to Dean.” Castiel repeated pointedly, ignoring his question.

“Fine, but just tell me this – did he have anything to do with what happened to you? I saw him worrying for you, but I have been in this hospital for too long not to know that sometimes the worrying is more driven by guilt than actual caring.”

“From what you’ve told me, Dean saved my life. He is angry with me for getting in this situation, but he is definitely not the cause of it.”

“Good, I’ll let him in then. Remember, you need to rest, so don’t let him stay long. And make him go home – he’s been here for two days. He needs some sleep and frankly he needs to take a shower – the nurses have started complaining already.” The doctor smiled as he left.

Castiel took a deep breath and winced, but at that moment Dean burst into the room.

“Cas…” He sighed slouching on the edge of his bed. “Goddammit, Cas!”

“My apologies, Dean. I didn’t intend to make you mad with me.”

“Man, I’m sorry, I overreacted.” He growled silently. There was no anger left in him anymore. He was just exhausted and relieved. “It’s been long couple of days…”

“You look tired. You should get some sleep.” Castiel gave him a worried look.

“I look tired, really?” Dean asked sarcastically. “You almost died on me, but I look tired…”

“You are angry with me.” Castiel stated, but the question in his tone was apparent.

“I’m fucking pissed at you!”

“I don’t understand.”

“Cas, what the hell were you thinking? You’re human now! How could you have hoped to kick Raphael’s ass being a human?”

“You are human.” Castiel stated frowning.

“This is different. I’m a damned hunter!”

“And I am an angel of the Lord! I might not have all of my grace, but I’m still an angel!” Castiel’s gaze sharpened and there was some steely coldness in it that Dean hadn’t seen since the time the angel was snatched by heaven’s finest to be reconditioned. “Don’t forget I am a soldier and I have been such for a very long time. It is not your place to guard me – it is my job to guard you. I am not a child, Dean Winchester.”

“You’re unbelievable!” Dean rolled his eyes. He didn’t have it in him anymore – he simply didn’t want to fight the stupid angel.

“I think we’ve established your belief in angels two years ago.” He deadpanned.

Dean stared at him perplexed.

“Was that… No! Was that a joke?”

“Yes. And I think it was a good one.” Castiel nodded seriously.

Dean burst out laughing and when he started he simply couldn’t stop. He laughed hard and long, all the tension finally leaving him.

“Good one!” He gasped trying to breathe. “Freakin’ amazing for you!”

In his laughter Dean accidentally touched Cas’ leg and saw him wince slightly. The laughter died down immediately.

“How are you Cas?” He asked seriously. “Do you want me to get you some drugs?”

“I am alright. I think they’re drugging me already, I don’t need more.”

“You’re in pain…”

“Not so much.”

“I hate it!”

“Dean, I have been worse. This is just… Well, new. The pain feels different now, sharper somehow. But trust me, I’ve had it worse and I survived. Besides, I think I’m healing faster than humans – two days ago my lip and eyebrow felt hurt and now they’re fine.”

Dean looked at him curiously.

“You know, you’re right… Now there’s a silver lining!’

“Dean… I want to go back to Bobby’s.”

“No.”

“Dean, please.”

“This is not a discussion, Cas. You need to get better.”

“And don’t you think the doctors will be surprised to see just how quickly I’m getting better?”

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll think of something.”

“Dean, I don’t like it here.”

“Cas, this is out of question. I’m not smuggling you out of the god damned hospital! You need to rest and you need to get the drugs. I can’t take you home.”

“Tomorrow then?” Castiel asked hopefully.

“Let’s see how you’re doing tomorrow and then speak about it, ok?”

Castiel sighed and nodded.

“You need to go home though.” He said smirking slightly. “The nurses complain you smell…”

“Do they now? What the hell do they know? I smell of the man!” He laughed and then sighed. “They’re right anyway; I really should take a shower.”

“You should sleep too. You look terrible.”

“And here I thought you liked me!” He teased tiredly.

“I do like you.” Castiel tilted his head confusedly. “I think you’re astonishing, but that doesn’t mean you don’t look tired or that you don’t smell…”

“Cas!” Dean rolled his eyes exasperated. “Will you ever learn you shouldn’t say things like that to a dude?”

“I’m not saying it to other ‘dudes’, you know.” Castiel frowned and Dean could’ve sworn he saw quote marks in the air. “I thought you were my friend.”

“I am, I am, but that doesn’t mean…”

At that moment the nurse came in through the door and Dean fell silent.

“It’s time for you pain medication, Castiel.” The nurse said gravely and Dean wondered if it was in the job description of the nurse to look pissed all the time. He was still annoyed by the way she shoved him out and then glared at him once she left. “Doctor’s orders! You’ll want to sleep soon, so you better say good bye to your friend here.”

She injected something to the drip above Castiels head, smiled at him, straightened his blanket and after throwing dissatisfied look at Dean, left the room.

Castiel’s vision started drifting slightly out of focus, but he looked at Dean anyway. He felt slightly dizzy. It was somewhat similar to the time Dean gave him whiskey.

“You know, I had a dream while I was out. I thought I died.” Castiel said slowly.

“You didn’t die, Cas, but you do need to rest. And so do I, I really should go.”

“I know it was a dream, but I thought I was dead. I thought I was given my piece of heaven. It was strange.” The angel said distractedly, ignoring Dean’s reply.

“Yeah? What was it?”

“You and I were in the drive-in cinema. We watched a movie about Dracula.”

“You had a dream about Dracula and you thought it was your heaven?!” He asked smiling again. This angel was definitely unbelievable.

“No, I had a dream about you. We were watching Dracula. And then we went to a fair. You had a hotdog and you said it was incredible. It was fine. And we went on a rollercoaster ride.”

“Great, now I want a hotdog and I’d really like a rollercoaster ride. Thanks, Cas!”

“You did enjoy it.” Castiel smiled lazily. “I did too.”

Dean shifted uncomfortably. Castiel’s gaze came to focus and he was looking at him intently with those shockingly blue eyes.

“And you thought that’s your heaven?” Dean groaned. “I would think you’d get something more than old movie and a cheap hotdog.”

“I don’t think it was about a hotdog, Dean. I think it was about you.” His words became slightly slurred. He was evidently falling asleep. “You said I’ve grown on you… You didn’t care about personal space… You said you wished I felt what people do…”

Dean stared at him, words failing him. What the hell was he saying? But before he could ask, or better yet change the subject all together, he felt Cas’ fingertips touch his leg very lightly as he whispered his last words before falling asleep:

“I think I do…”


	3. Bar experience

‘Good sixteen hours of sleep will make sense of it all.’ Dean thought on his way back to the motel. He was relieved and overjoyed that Cas was getting better, but at the same time he couldn’t shake the feeling of unease. The angel puzzled him. What was the matter with him? And what was even more pressing – what was the matter with Dean? Now that Cas was more or less fine and he could think clearly, Dean didn’t understand his own reactions anymore.

Dean has had his fair share of near death experiences. And he has had more than enough losses of the ones he cared about. He’d lost his mother and his father. He’d lost his friends, his allies and he’d lost Sammy too many times to count. He had even lost Cas a couple of times by now. He was supposed to be used to it. But the idea of losing Cas again had crumpled him. When Anna told him Cas had gone to find Raphael on his own, he’d almost lost it. He was enraged, true, but he was also so fucking scared, he barely had it in him to pull it together. There was almost no hope left that he’d make it in time to save the stupid son of the bitch and yet the measly chance that Cas might still be alive pushed Dean into thoughtless action. He didn’t stop to consider what he’d do to stop Raphael; the idea didn’t even cross his mind. Instead he clutched to the sliver of hope like the freakin’ drowning man to a straw. No rhyme or reason, just pure action to save Castiel, to do whatever it takes.

He ran like hell, leaving Sam behind. In fact he didn’t even think of him until he pulled up near the shack Anna’s indicated. It didn’t matter still.

He almost missed it. The thought of having missed it still sent shudders running down his spine. Mere minutes, seconds really and instead of finding Cas all he would’ve found was the empty shell of Jimmy Novak’s body with the scorch marks of wings burned beside him.

He was so close, so close to losing his friend for good. The fucking archangel was advancing with an angel sword to strike the last blow and Cas, although lying in front of him bleeding and badly hurt, was not only failing to defend himself, the idiot was actually… Almost smiling!

Dean put all the anger, hatred and fury he had in the strike he made. He felt the blade pierce the angel, he felt him stiffen in surprise and fear and he relished in his pain. There was no one in the entire world that Dean hated more at that moment. It was liberating to the point of frightening; for that moment he was back in hell, mad with grief and despair and yet brimming with dark sort of excitement at his revenge. He forgot everything he knew about dying angels and simply enjoyed the moment of victory, the moment he made sure Cas was safe. If not for Cas, he would have definitely gone blind – there’s no way in hell he would have let go. But Cas called him and it’s the state the angel was in that shook Dean out of the stupor.

Dean let go of Raphael and ran to the beaten up angel and as he fell to his knees in front of him, he saw the light. For the fraction of the second he froze at the thought it was Castiel, but then he realized what was happening and fell on Cas, shielding both of their eyes.

And so Raphael was dead and Cas… He was broken. Dean scooped him up in his arms observing how every move he made pained Cas. He let out a soft groan, but didn’t wake up.

Then came the hospital, and the surgeries, and that idiot of the doctor told him to get a priest! Dean prayed and prayed for Cas to get better. He knew God has abandoned them, but he prayed nevertheless. At some point Sammy came and left and still Cas wouldn’t wake up. Until finally he did…

And now this dream of his! What was that about? Dean knew Castiel was different. He was an angel for crying out loud, and Dean was almost used to his little confusing quirks like standing too close or saying something disturbing like how he thought Dean was amazing. He even got used to him staring with those freakishly blue eyes, but this was different. This was not about what Cas was, it was more about what Dean felt around him.

Dean shook his head to clear his mind. ‘There’s nothing different!’ he thought fervently, ‘I’m just beat and I really need a shower. He just caught me off guard – I was worried about him, that’s all.’

Except it wasn’t all. He thought of Cas’ words before he fell asleep. ‘You said I’ve grown on you…’ Well that’s a fucking truth! That fool of an angel had really grown on him! With his ever present awkwardness, his quirks and oddities, his innocence mingled with fierceness. He was contradictions incarnated and Dean… Yes, it was frustrating more often than not, but Dean liked him for that. It was Cas. And then this ‘you didn’t care about personal space…’ What the fuck could that mean? Of course he did! Dean hated when people were standing too close to him – it made him uncomfortable. Well, except if it was a hot chick of course. He smiled to himself.

And then he thought of Cas standing close to him. Always close, always too fucking close. He thought of him smelling like he did – clean and fresh and... Like sometimes air smelled after the lightning had struck. It had to be an angel thing – Cas always smelled great. He thought of his lips, inches away, full and slightly chapped. He thought he would like to touch them someday, to see how it feels. And then his blue eyes. Open and curious and… well, blue beyond everything else. And the way he looked at him – as if Dean was important, essential even. And Dean thought that maybe he didn’t care about his personal space that much after all…

As soon as this thought sunk in, he shook his head quickly.

What the hell was the matter with him? It was Cas he was thinking about! It wasn’t Lisa, or Cassie, or even Jo! It was Cas he was almost fantasizing about. For crying out loud, he needed to get some sleep, before he’s gone completely mad. And then he definitely needed to get laid. As in now. No, as in yesterday.

 

 

It took two weeks for Cas to get well completely. Dean was forced to take him home two days after he woke up, because he was getting way too much attention from the medical staff. If it was up to him, Dean would have made Cas stay in the hospital for at the very least two days more, but he heard Cas’ doctor calling some specialist in DC to come see his patient, who was healing miraculously fast. He took it as his queue and he smuggled Cas out that very night.

Cas was absolutely thrilled about going home. He loathed the hospital – not being much of a people’s person himself he hated being prodded and asked questions constantly. So when Dean finally told him he was going home, he lit up like a freakin’ light bulb, which made Dean far less disgruntled by the fact that he was taking Cas home too soon.

In the weeks that followed, Cas’ injures healed up quickly and fully and he seemed to get stronger and stronger with every passing minute. And so now, three weeks after Raphael nearly killed him, he was not only back to normal, but also seemed to be getting what Dean called “his mojo” back. His wings were still gone, but Cas confessed to Dean one evening he thought he might get them back soon too. His grace, on the other hand, was almost back. He wasn’t zipping and zapping through places yet, but Dean thought it wouldn’t take long now.

And to Dean’s surprise, he realized he came to resent that Cas was getting back to his former angelic self.

“So, you think you’ll be flapping your feathers soon?” He asked bitterly one evening over three weeks after the near death incident. They were sitting at Bobby’s, but Bobby was off on a sort of a reunion thing with his hunter friends and Sammy was not back from the store yet.

“I don’t know. I think I ought to.” Cas replied looking at Dean curiously. “Anna did regain her grace and then her wings.”

“Great.” He grunted.

“You’re displeased.” Castiel stated. Ever since regaining his grace, he was more tuned into Dean’s emotions and could always tell if there was something wrong. He was still an angel though and so even though he knew something’s off, he didn’t have the slightest idea what was it.

“No, I’m fucking happy, Cas.” Dean replied tiredly. He actually was happy Cas was better. Cas seemed happier with his grace than without it and Dean generally liked seeing Cas happy. But an angel Cas didn’t really need Dean to look out for him. And an angel Cas was always so composed and well… not really there. And an angel Cas would sure as hell leave to go back to heaven one day.

“Dean, I…”

“No, Cas. It’s fine. I’m fine.” He cut across him. Getting touchy – feely was definitely not something he wanted right now. What he did want was to get drunk and not to feel anymore. He was losing Cas. Yes, sure – he’s safe and all. And Dean didn’t have to worry about him getting cold, or getting hit by a freakin’ car or anything anymore. But he was also leaving again. Not today, probably not tomorrow or even this week, but someday he will flap those wings of his and be gone. Dean couldn’t even think of that day with the straight face. He flinched painfully, but then shook his head and suddenly forced a smile on a confused and worried angel.

“You know what Cas?” He asked with the fake cheerfulness. “We’re going out today!”

“We are?”

“Sure as hell we are!” He nodded. “After the whole Raphael experience, I think we deserve some good time, don’t you think?”

Suddenly Castiel smiled broadly and Dean felt his throat clench a little. Cas rarely ever smiled so freely and Dean was stunned by the effect this smile had on him.

“Are we going to a fair?” He asked smiling still.

It took a moment for Dean to understand what Cas was asking. And then he remembered this dream Cas told him about and for a little while he was at a loss of what to say.

“Um… No. Sorry Cas, there’s no fair around.” He stammered and felt his heart sink as Cas’ face fell.

“Oh, alright then.” The angel nodded silently. “What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I just thought we could go to a bar and get hammered.” Dean mumbled. He wasn’t sure this was such a great idea after all. He looked at Cas trying to grasp what he was thinking. Instead he was momentarily frozen in place by the look in Cas’ eyes. The angel was gazing at him intently, almost searchingly, as if he was trying to understand something or maybe to find something. Dean looked at him silently, but his mind was racing. As he looked at Cas’ eyes it dawned on him just how much he cared about this awkward angel. He stared at those blue eyes and all he could think of was how much he wanted to reach out and touch him. The lightest of contacts would be enough, just to touch him… His gaze shifted from Cas’ eyes to his lips and a new sort of want coursed through him, raging and fierce and undeniable. This was when Dean tore his gaze off Castiel’s face and continued forcefully almost angrily. “Or maybe we’ll meet some chicks and get laid.”

Castiel turned away from him at that very instance, hiding his face which he was pretty sure bore signs of surprise mingled with hurt. It shouldn’t be surprising, this was Dean after all. Castiel admonished himself for feeling the jolt of pain at his friend’s words. He knew his friend well by now; there was no reason to feel this sort of hurt at Dean being himself. He liked to fornicate; it had nothing to do with Castiel. And yet there was this hollow in his chest that throbbed painfully, despite having no reason for it.

“Get laid…” He repeated slowly and took a deep breath. “Alright Dean, if this is what you want, we go to a bar.”

“Cas…” Dean muttered in softer voice, but Castiel just shook his head refusing to face him.  Dean took a step closer to Cas – he couldn’t stand not seeing his face, not knowing what was he thinking. Before he could do anything else, the door burst open and Sam’s voice bellowed:

“Hey, some help here! Dean, your pie’s slipping!”

Dean cursed under his breath, but Castiel strode purposefully towards Sam and took the pie along with couple of bags from him and Sam sighed with relief.

“Thanks, Dean would’ve killed me if I dropped his pie.” He smiled and stretched.

“No, he wouldn’t have.” Cas argued seriously. “He might have punched you though.”

“You’ve got that right!” Sam laughed. “What have you two been up to?”

“Dean proposed we go to a bar and get hammered.” Castiel answered and the forced himself to continue indifferently. “He hopes to engage in coitus with some woman afterwards.”

Sam almost choked on the laughter that burst out of him, but Dean stayed serious. He didn’t like the way Cas looked. He knew he shouldn’t have said what he did, but really, what else was there to do? He can’t have these thoughts of Cas, he just can’t! And getting laid is something that had always helped him – it was familiar and easy.

“Coitus!” Sam gasped between fits of laughter. “Cas, you’re incredible!”

“Stop laughing your head off!” Dean growled. “I’m not getting coitus, I’m getting laid! Pull yourself together and let’s fucking go already.”

 

An hour later they did their fifth shots and Castiel started feeling… weird. He felt slightly oozy, his vision blurred a little, but most surprising of all – he felt unnaturally emotional. As Dean and Sam went on and on about such unimportant things as the choice of a car, Cas had time to think of what was happening to him. He knew his attachment to Dean has grown over the past months that he had been almost human. The bond he shared with Dean had always been strong, but Castiel had thought this was because he had saved Dean from the Pit. Over the last couple of months he started realizing that Dean had become even more important. Castiel seemed to gravitate towards him wherever they were. Dean was always around too, as if he actually liked Cas to be close by. Castiel knew he irritated the hunter quite often – he was inexperienced at being human or being around humans and he understood this was annoying, but although Dean liked rolling his eyes at Cas, he never really looked displeased with Castiel. That is, he never really looked displeased before Castiel started regaining his grace.

It troubled Castiel. He was an angel. He had always been an angel – with his grace or without it, but Dean seems to have preferred him without it and Cas was at a loss to understand it. With his grace, Castiel was stronger, he could help them so much more in their hunt – why was Dean displeased?

Suddenly, he was dragged from his confusing thoughts.

“Well hello here!” Pleasant, slightly drawling voice sounded and Castiel looked at the pretty young woman standing close to him and smiling at him. He smiled automatically.

“Hello.”

“I’ve never seen you around – what has brought you to this God forsaken place?” She asked sitting down so close to him their legs brushed against each other.

“God hasn’t forsaken it. He just doesn’t care about anything anymore.” Castiel corrected her and she laughed loudly.

“I’m Laura, by the way.” She took his hand and shook it, holding it few seconds too long. Not that Castiel had noticed – such things as length of a handshake were too trivial to bother to learn them.

“Castiel.”

“Really? That’s a funny name you’ve got, Castiel.” She leaned in closer still.

“Yes, I don’t suppose it’s a usual name for humans.” Castiel agreed and the woman beside him laughed brightly.

“I’d like to buy you a drink, Castiel. Tequila?”

“I thought social protocol dictates me to buy you a drink.” Cas asked confusedly.

“Are you from fifties or what?” She laughed again and waved at the barman to get more drinks. “So, tell me, what brings you here?”

“My friends wanted to get drunk today. Why are you here?” He asked politely, but failed to hear the answer as at that moment his gaze crossed that of Dean’s and he was shocked to see so much anger in Dean’s expression. The hunter was staring at him angrily, his jaw clenched and his hands gripping the bar so tightly that his knuckles were all white. Castiel looked at Dean questioningly, trying to understand what has brought on this displeasure, but Dean seemed to compose himself – he simply shrugged and drank his next shot before turning away from Cas.

“So, do you wanna dance?” He heard her ask and realized he must’ve missed the first time she asked.

“I don’t dance.” He answered still slightly perplexed. Dean was so confusing all the time.

“Nonsense!” She chimed and then winked at him. “Everybody dances with a good partner.”

She put the tequila shot into Castiel’s hand, saluted him and then drank it, making sure he did too. Then she took his hand and led him to the dance floor.

“Now, put your hands on my waist and just go with it!” Laura wrapped her own arms around Castiel’s neck and started moving slowly to the music. It felt nice, if a bit strange, and Castiel relaxed a little. This wasn’t that bad. A moment later she rested her head on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, “You’re good at it, you know?”

Against all odds Castiel finally managed to get his mind off Dean. He truly enjoyed dancing with this stranger. Castiel was sure the amount of shots in him had a big part in it, but he didn’t really care that much. It was simply nice to hold someone after so much time of being careful of someone’s personal space. He knew Laura was speaking to him, telling him some fun and probably interesting things, but all he concentrated on was the feeling of human body in his arms. He liked it despite knowing on some level it was all wrong – too short and too small. But it was a human who chose to allow Castiel to be close and he liked it.

They danced for a long time, but to Castiel it seemed just a couple of minutes. Finally, Laura excused herself to a bathroom and Castiel looked around to see what Dean and Sam were doing.

Sam was sitting next to a woman, laughing and talking to her, but Dean was nowhere around. Castiel assumed he was also in the bathroom and decided to get some fresh air before his dancing companion returned.

He went outside and leaned against the wall of the building closing his eyes. His head spun slightly and to his surprise he liked it. He also liked the feeling of carelessness that engulfed him. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes and almost jumped.

Dean was standing right in front of him swaying slightly – very drunk and very angry.

“So you like dancing now, huh?” His voice slurred, but there was no mistaking the anger and despair in it. “Big and strong Angel of the Lord likes dancing! Who would’ve thought?”

“Dean…”

“Such an awkward angel’s all of a sudden a ladies’ man!” He growled. “Since when are you a fucking ladies’ man, Castiel?”

“I don’t understand Dean. Why are you so…” But he couldn’t finish as Dean shoved him at the wall and before he could react the hunter’s mouth was pressed hard against his own. Castiel could almost feel despair and rage radiate from Dean, but there was also something else. Something strong and raw – a need? A want? Something. Without knowing what he was doing, Castiel opened his mouth slightly and felt Deans tongue slide in immediately, tasting him, exploring him.

With amazement Castiel realized Dean tasted of whiskey and of something minty, like gum, and most of all he tasted of Dean – real and strong and... wonderful.

Dean pressed even harder to him, his arms wrapped around the angel’s waist, clinging to his back. His knowing and experienced mouth was making Castiel shiver and as Dean suddenly sucked on Cas’ bottom lip, the angel let out a low moan making Dean growl in return. The hunter held the back of Cas’ neck and deepened the kiss. He was slower now, less urgent, more about the sensations than about anger or anything else. And what sensations they were! Dean, despite the haze of alcohol marveled in the feeling Cas’ kiss. It was sweet and fresh, but also full of desire and longing. Despite drinking, Cas still smelled and tasted of freshness and the feel of his tongue caressing Dean’s made the hunter’s knees buckle. Castiel surrender to this kiss completely. In amazement he realized he finally understood what emotional overload meant – the sensations he experienced were beyond words for him. Not only were they new – they simply rendered him speechless and powerless. It didn’t matter that Cas was an angel. Quite the opposite – once again Castiel came to realize how much superior humans were if they were capable of feeling this and of making an angel feel it. All of the sudden it made a perfect sense – his bond to Dean, his dream, his constant confusion around him. It all led to this moment and this feeling rising in him.

Castiel moaned again and clutched to Dean even stronger, without realizing his fingers were leaving bruises on the hunter’s body. Nothing mattered anymore – just Dean and the feeling of holding him. He realized why holding Laura felt wrong – she simply wasn’t Dean.

Suddenly Dean broke the kiss and looked at Cas’ eyes pleadingly.

“Don’t leave Cas… Just… Don’t leave.”


	4. Mistake

Castiel couldn’t believe only a week had passed from the day that changed everything. He felt as if it had been an eternity and that was saying something, given the fact that Castiel was alive for almost an eternity.

Now though, he was sitting on the roof of a very tall building in Boston. Prudential Tower he thought it was called. He liked heights, always had liked heights and once he got his wings back three days ago he spent most of his free time somewhere up.

The brothers were at a library, working on another case that brought them all to Boston and Castiel used this time to be alone. He never wanted to be alone before, but things have changed.

Looking down to the ground Cas thought he would like to fall. He had fallen once and it was the worst pain he had ever endured. But it also was the most liberating experience he had ever had. And there was nothing that Cas wanted more than to be free once again.

“It’s a lie…” The angel whispered.

And so it was, there was something he wanted more, but he was not going to get it, that much was perfectly clear to him. Castiel sighed.

Not for the first time he wondered why his father had blessed the humanity with a gift of feelings. And was it a blessing really? Like so many other things his father had done, it seemed to be both – the blessing and the curse. It was a blessing, because there was nothing better in the entire world than loving someone. But it was a curse, because there’s nothing worse than not being loved back. And it is a curse, because you can’t even make yourself wish you didn’t love anymore… His father was wise, so desperately wise…

Against his will Castiel’s thoughts drifted back to that fateful night that changed everything. That night when for a moment there he felt what it was to be truly happy. The night that he longed for ever since.

 

“Don’t leave Cas… Just… Don’t leave.”

Castiel looked at his pleading eyes and his heart felt full of feeling he didn’t even know names for. This was so confusingly new that for a moment there Cas was absolutely speechless.

“I… Dean, I’m not going anywhere.”

Suddenly, Dean pulled back and laughed angrily.

“Yeah, right! The freakin’ angel will stay with the hunters and hunt badass demons forever!” Dean swayed again, but as Cas moved to hold him, he pulled back. “Don’t you fucking touch me!” He hissed.

“Dean, what’s happening? I don’t understand why are you so angry with me? I thought… I mean you just…”

“I just nothing, Castiel!” The hunter growled and Castiel flinched at hearing Dean use his full name. “This was a mistake, that’s all. I’m drunk and I need to get home. I’ll get that moose of a brother and we’ll go. You’re coming?”

Castiel stared at him in disbelief.

“That was a mistake?” He asked silently. He felt as if the ground he was standing on was shaking, shattering. “That was nothing…”

“Yeah, sorry about that, I just had too much to drink and… I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to see what’s it like, you know?”

“Oh…” Castiel pulled all the strength he had to carry on. “That’s alright then, Dean. A mistake, sure. I… Yes, I… No, I mean I won’t go to Bobby’s now. I’ll stay.”

Castiel turned away from Dean. He couldn’t look at him anymore. He was breaking apart and at any moment now he won’t be able to hold it together.

“Ah yeah, you’ve got yourself a girl.” Dean’s voice sounded indifferent. “Fine, have fun.”

As soon as Dean left, Castiel started walking. He had no idea where he was going, but that was of no importance. He just wanted to get away. He wanted to be as far away as possible. He wanted to end this feeling that was raging in his chest. Castiel thought he already had all sorts of new things happen to him, but this was the epitaph of new. Never in his long existence had he felt the pain he was feeling now. He felt broken beyond repair. How could this have happened? How did he go from being confused to hopelessly and irrevocably bonded to Dean with one kiss? How did he go from being mind bogglingly happy to so crushingly broken with one word? Mistake. He was a mistake. His misplaced affection was a mistake. He just made a mistake. He was drunk, that’s all.

 

It took him two days to get back to Bobby’s. He couldn’t risk going back any sooner, because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold himself together.

“Cas!” Sam shouted as he walked in. “Cas, damn it! I’m happy you got laid and all, but if you don’t come back for two days, you call!”

“I apologize Sam. I didn’t think of calling.”

“I bet you didn’t!” Sam growled, but then seemed to get over it and laughed suddenly. “I bet there were other things on your mind, if you know what I mean.”

“There were other things on my mind.” Castiel agreed.

“So? How was it?” Sam asked still laughing.

“It was new.” Castiel replied. He understood what Sam was getting at, but saw no reason to correct him. It didn’t matter what he thought. It’s not like Castiel could tell Sam he was out for two days agonizing over his brother. Said brother was sitting on the couch silently, not even looking at Cas which the angel had noticed but tried to ignore, as he wasn’t looking at him either.

“New? Well, duh!”

“It wasn’t ‘duh’ Sam, it was new.” Castiel corrected him. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to get some rest.”

“Of course you would, you stud!” Sam chuckled as Castiel passed them and without a glance towards Dean went to the room Bobby had given him.

That was pretty much how it was between the three of them from then on. Castiel would talk about something meaningless to Sam, they’d even laugh sometimes. Dean joined in from time to time and they exchanged courtesy phrases like ‘Do you want some coffee Cas?’ and ‘Sam has left you some pie Dean.’. They’ve also worked on the case together which meant they had to speak to each other more, but aside from that, Castiel tried to avoid being near Dean as much as he could. And he was careful to never stay alone with the hunter anymore. It wasn’t really hard too, because Dean was doing exactly the same thing. It pained Castiel to realize that, because even though he stayed as far away as possible, all the time he longed to get closer. And at the same time he knew this was not the case for Dean. It was painful on many levels, this distance between them. From the day Castiel met the Winchesters it was always Dean he went to, always Dean he sought for advice or offered help to. He liked Sam very much, he was part of what the angel considered family, but that was not the same as what he and Dean had. Or at least, what Castiel thought he and Dean had. It was painfully clear that whatever that was they had was over now. Or more likely, it was never there to begin with, just a figment of Castiel’s imagination or wishful thinking. Dean was distant and cool towards him; just a stranger forced to cohabitate and that hurt more than anything Dean could say or do. So now, sitting on the roof of the building, Castiel had finally come to the decision that was looming over him ever since that night that changed things. He had to leave. It was as simple as that – he simply had to leave. He couldn’t stand those long silences when he didn’t say anything although he desperately wanted to and Dean didn’t say anything, because there was nothing he wanted to say. He could no longer stand the fact that his whole body tensed whenever Dean entered the room and he would feel almost physical pain whenever he left. He could no longer stand the dreams he had where Dean was different. Not even different, he simply was Dean he used to know.

This was the last case he’d work on with the brothers and then he’d leave.

Castiel knew he didn’t have where to go, but it didn’t matter. He couldn’t go back to heaven or he’d be dragged into the war that Castiel didn’t wish to be a part of. So he had to stay on Earth, alone. The thought frightened Castiel who never in his life was truly alone, but at the same time it gave him comfort. At least he’ll have a reason to feel so desperately lonely and at least he will no longer be unwelcome.

He wished Balthazar was around though. He missed his brother dearly, loved him above all of his siblings and although he’s been gone for a long time now, it still felt like a gaping wound, the loss of him. Castiel knew Balthazar would know what to do. Where Castiel excelled as a soldier, obedient and ruthless, Balthazar mastered human relations. It was curious how his brother hated humanity, loathed it really and yet thrived in decadence. Castiel had an inkling his brother wouldn’t like Dean much. It had nothing to do with his general loathing of mankind, but Balthazar was really protective of him and knowing Dean had caused him any sort of discomfort, even though he could really not be held accountable for Castiel’s misplaced affection, would certainly rub him the wrong way. Coupled with Castiel’s falling, disobedience and death, this would certainly not make Dean his best friend. But Castiel still wished he could talk to Balthazar. He’d probably mock and make fun, but he’d understand and support and maybe even give an advice Castiel could follow. Balthazar was far more experienced at all this, but even if he couldn’t offer a solution, at least he’d listen. Castiel sighed heavily. He’d give a lot to just be able to speak to someone…

When that night he came back to the motel room Sam and Dean were waiting for him.

“Where’ve you been?” Sam asked.

“I went to find out more about the liquidizing monster. I think it’s an arachnid of sorts.” Castiel replied. He knew it from the start, but used it as an excuse to get away.

“Yeah, we found that in the library. It was some sort of Boston underground monster. We already found it.”

“Oh, so your case is over?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah.” Dean replied not meeting the angel’s eyes. “We were waiting for you to head home.”

Castiel dropped his gaze to the floor.

 “Well, this is actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” He started silently. He was glad both brothers were here. “I’m not going with you.”

“What?” Dean snapped. “What’d you mean you’re not going?”

“I… Well, you know I got my… grace back. So, I thought I’d just spend some time alone.”

“Why?” Sam asked. “I thought you liked hunting with us?”

“I do, but I would also like to do different things. I’ve never been free before and here’s my chance. I think I’ll find Anna someday; maybe we’ll stay together for a while. I don’t really know. I just know I’m not going back with you for now.”

“So when you’re all fucking human and need help then we’re good enough for you, but when you’re an angel again we can get the fuck off?” Dean was almost shaking with rage.

“I have always been an angel. Dean.” Castiel replied and for the first time after that night looked him in the eyes. What he saw there startled him. There was anger, sure, but there was also pain, deep and cutting pain. For the first time Castiel thought their expressions mirrored each other as there was certainly pain in angel’s eyes, he couldn’t hide it from there.

“Fuck you!” Dean suddenly shouted and stormed out slamming the door.

For few moments Castiel stared at the door considering going after him but forcing himself to stay. Then he faced Sam.

“I’m sorry Sam.” He muttered. “Dean is wrong, you know. You are what I consider to be family to me. I just need some time to be with myself, that’s all. I hope Dean will understand that.”

“He’ll get over it Cas. It’s fine.” Sam smiled at him reassuringly. “If I were you, I’d like to get on my own too. Just… Well don’t take too long, come back to us. You know it goes both ways – you’re family to us too.”

“Thank you Sam. That means a lot to me.” Castiel smiled and then was surprised by Sam hugging him. “I thought… personal space and all…”

“Nah, it’s a hug, it’s ok.” Sam laughed releasing an angel. “Be safe and come back soon. I’ll deal with that idiot.”

“Thanks Sam.” With that Castiel walked out the door. He considered simply disappearing, but couldn’t do it. He had to make sure Dean was alright before he left, so he went to a porch further away, where he was sure he wouldn’t be seen, but where he could see Dean coming back.

Dean came back four hours later. He was drunk again and he wasn’t alone. He staggered out of passenger’s seat of the car Castiel didn’t recognize and a moment later a woman got out from the driver’s seat. She was young and tall and really pretty. And she was blond. With the jolt of pain Castiel suddenly realized they were usually blond for Dean.

“Thanks sweetheart.” Dean’s voice garbled. He was drunk alright. “I’ll be ok now.”

“Yeah you will.” She laughed then gave him a long kiss that made Castiel flinch. She laughed again and got back to the car. “Call me when you’ve sobered up, we might do something fun.”

Dean stood watching as she drove off and then turned to head to the motel. Suddenly, he staggered, his feet reacting slower to his intentions than the rest of his body and Castiel saw him falling.

In a heartbeat, sooner than Castiel could think of what he was doing, he was catching Dean and steadying him. He didn’t have time to think of how to do it so he didn’t touch him too much – he simply reacted instinctively. And so here he was, holding Dean, again.

And again Dean pulled back immediately.

“What?” He stammered. “What the fuck are you still doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be flapping and flipping across the freakin’ globe?”

Castiel sighed deeply. He was a fool. Of course he should have left already. He clearly wasn’t needed here anymore.

“I… I just wanted to make sure you got back alright.” Castiel said tiredly. He felt so amazingly tired now. If only he could sleep… “I see it was pointless Dean. I’m sorry, I’ll go now.”

“No!” There was so much urgency in that one word that Castiel froze in mid step. “No! No, no, no! Don’t go Cas, please, don’t go!”

Castiel turned back to him. There were so many different emotions coursing through him that he couldn’t concentrate on a single one of them. There was pain, sure, but pain was a constant now. There was longing that was around much too. But there was also… hope. Flickering and small but still – hope. So Castiel just stood and looked at him, waiting and not daring to really hope, but hoping nevertheless.

“Cas…” Dean staggered again, but this time Castiel didn’t try to catch him.

“What do you want Dean?” He asked simply.

“I want…” Dean took a step closer to him and placed his hands on the angel’s chest grabbing the lapels of his trench coat. “You.”

And his lips were on Cas’ again. Castiel’s arms wrapped around Dean at once as all his resolve to stay strong crashed down. The angel gave into the kiss without hesitation. He missed this feeling of holding him in his arms so much it was almost painful. Castiel’s lips parted and he slid his tongue into Dean’s mouth, tasting him, marveling in the feelings rushing through him. He sucked on Dean’s bottom lip mirroring their first kiss, when Dean did that to him and was excited to hear a soft moan escaping hunter’s lips. Their tongues met and Castiel felt a shiver of raw pleasure run down his spine. He had no idea what he was doing so he just let instincts take over. Castiel pressed harder to Dean, sucked lightly on his tongue and felt the hunter growl in his mouth.

Suddenly, Dean struggled to pull back from Cas’ arms. He broke the kiss forcefully and stepped back.

“Wow, I see you’ve learned new tricks!” He laughed bitterly. “Did that whore teach you how to kiss Castiel?”

The angel just looked at him failing to understand what he was talking about. What was happening? How could he be kissing him one moment and then be so angry with him the next?

“I bet that’s why you’re leaving; you wanna spend time with that whore of yours!”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying Dean.” Castiel replied slowly, feeling all the pain and hopelessness catch up with him once again.

“You know perfectly what I’m saying!” He shouted. “Fucking ladies’ man!”

Castiel just shook his head in disbelief.

“Wasn’t it you who just kissed that woman?”

“That has nothing to do with you!”

“No, it really doesn’t, does it?” Castiel agreed and then shook his head slightly to clear his mind. “Why did you kiss me Dean? What was it this time? Another mistake?”

Dean just stared at him saying nothing. Finally, he turned away.

“It’s alright Dean. You don’t have to say anything, I understand. You’re drunk, that’s all.” Castiel smiled sadly. He did understand. Dean didn’t really want him, not the way Castiel did. As he watched Dean walk slowly to the motel door he accepted this was it. Dean just didn’t want him back. Still, despite the pain threatening to crush him he called the hunter one more time.

“Dean!”

The hunter turned back to him, his expression unreadable.

“If you ever… Well, if you ever need me… my help that is… Just call me, I’ll come.”

And before broken sound of ‘Cas…’ escaped Dean’s mouth, the angel was gone.


	5. Coming home

“What the hell is wrong with you Dean?” Sam shouted. “We just got back a minute ago!”

“I know that, but there’s a case for us and we have to go!”

“No, we don’t! I’d like to get a freaking shower for crying out loud! And then get something to eat and sleep for at least twelve hours!” Sam was so furious he was on a verge of punching his brother. “For the last two weeks all we do is drive like mad from one part of the country to another! Whatever happened to breaks between cases?”

“Demons don’t have breaks, Sammy!”

“Well, I sure as hell am not a demon and I want to slow down! I’m tired, do you get that? Or your skull’s too thick to get that? We’re staying! We’re having two days off!”

“What the hell are we supposed to do for two days?” Dean asked exasperated. He couldn’t stay still for two days or he’ll go mad!

“Get some rest! Eat! Sleep! Or in your case – go get hammered and then laid, maybe that’ll help you!” Sam shouted dropping his duffel onto the closest bed. Whether Dean wanted that or not, Sam was getting a break. His entire body ached from sitting countless hours in the Impala, not to mention bumps and bruises that he got for number of fights with various supernatural beings. He was tired, pissed and sore, so whatever had crawled up Dean’s ass and died was not his problem anymore.

“Fucking amazing!” Dean growled and stomped to the second bed angrily. “We’re letting some poor shmuck get eaten by god knows what because you’re a wuss!”

 “There’s always someone in danger, we can’t save everyone. Even less so if I pass out from exhaustion while trying to fight off rugaru.” Sam growled angrily. “Besides, want to call Cas. He’s been alone for too long.”

“No.” His brother said at once.

“Dean…”

“I said no, Sammy.”

“What the hell happened between you two?” Sam asked carefully. He’d suspected that whatever bothered Dean so much these days had something to do with the angel.

“Nothing happened. He got his mojo back and he left. Besides he’s probably with that chick, Laura something.”

“He said he wanted to be alone. And even if he didn’t – what’s the problem with that? I mean weren’t you the one who took him to the whorehouse to get his cherry popped?”

“That’s not the same.” Dean grumbled. He felt uneasy remembering the whole thing and sometimes he just wished he’d manned up then and made a move while Cas was still falling. Other times he was glad he didn’t, because Cas still would’ve gotten his mojo back and he still would’ve left. “He has no idea what being with the human is like. With the whore it would’ve been easy – do your stuff and get out. This Laura… I don’t know, just sounds fishy.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. And why are you so pissed at him? So he left to be on his own for a while, so what?”

“So nothing. I’m pissed because as soon as he got his wings back he flapped them and left. We could use an angel, you know.”

“Well then let’s call him back! I’m pretty sure he’d want to come visit us.”

“No. He wanted to go and he left. That’s an end of it Sammy.”

“But…”

“Enough! Go get your shower and your sleep. We’re leaving in two days. I’m going out.”

 

Dean sat in his Impala for a long time. This free time was killing him. When he was doing something, he didn’t have to think and that helped a lot. But now Sammy sort of stamped his foot down and he had way too much time on his hands. He wanted to be busy. He wanted to be in danger. And most of all – he wanted not to think. Instead here he was – sitting alone and doing nothing but thinking.

‘Cas…’ he thought again and again, ‘god damn it Cas, how did this even happen?’

How did he get into it? Sure, he cared for that stupid angel, but how the hell did he managed to fall for him? He was fine. He had decent life. He had his brother and his hunt. He had his fair share of women. He had his friends and Bobby. He even had an angel. Why on Earth did he have to go and screw things up? Why did he have to fall for that said angel? They were good being friends, almost brothers. There was no other way for them – they could’ve been family. And now he went and did that!

He remembered that night at the bar. This is when it hit him – he was fucking jealous! When he saw that fucking whore wrap herself around Cas, he felt an urge to rip her apart. She had no right to touch him! Yet Cas seemed to enjoy that… he danced and danced with her and with every shot Dean took he became angrier and angrier.

When he could no longer hold it together, he left the bar without even glancing at the girl who was flirting with him all that time.

And then suddenly Cas was there, peaceful and at ease and he’d lost it.

He remembered the feel of Cas’ lips on his. It was better than he thought it’d be. It was better than anything else he’d experienced. As sappy and idiotic it may sound, for a second there it felt like… heaven. And then the reason came back to him. What the fuck was he doing? He was kissing Castiel! An angel Castiel who’d sure as hell was about to leave him. He couldn’t get more involved than he already was!

He said he’d made a mistake and a mistake it was. Dean couldn’t allow himself to get caught up in these feelings. He’d been left behind his entire life by his mother, his father, even Sammy and he was determined not to let anyone else get under his thick skin, especially if that said ‘else’ was sure to leave one day.

He was right. Cas had left him that same evening. He stayed with that stupid whore for two fucking days and all the time Dean couldn’t come down. He was worried, then he was jealous, the worried again finally plain pissed.

But then Cas came back and he wasn’t happy. He seemed miserable ever since. Dean couldn’t understand this. There was no reason for Cas to be miserable and yet he was. Dean tried to stay out of his way as much as he could and he saw that Cas was doing the same. He was worried about him all the time, but he couldn’t say anything. He didn’t want to make thing worse, so he just went with it.

Then they started working on the case together and Dean thought that maybe they’d manage to get passed it and Cas would stay. Stupid, stupid…

Of course he wanted to leave. What did he, Dean, have to offer to the angel of the Lord?

He got so fucking drunk that night he could barely walk. He was lucky, he supposed, that the girl he met there offered to bring him home. There was no chance in hell he would have tried to drive this drunk.

And then Cas was there again, holding him and asking him what did he want! Dean was such a fool in the end… Such a stupid fucking fool!

The way he kissed… Why’d he kissed that way? Why’d he kissed at all? Why didn’t he simply push Dean away? As if he actually cared.

Dean closed his eyes and leaned his head back.

Of course he didn’t. How could he have? He was an angel. And he left him once already to stay with that whore. Of course he didn’t care. But then why did he say he’d come back? Why’d he look so hurt?

And before he could stop himself, before he started reason with himself, Dean simply spoke:

“Cas? If you hear me Cas and if… you know, if you’re not busy and all… I mean… For fuck sake, Cas, if you want, could you come?”

“Are you alright?” Cas’ worried voice sounded through the distant echo of the wings and feathers and Dean looked at him sitting in the passenger’s seat. As soon as their eyes met they both froze in place. Cas tried to drink in every moment and every single detail of this brief moment he had with Dean and the hunter tried to understand why did the angel look so… miserable.

“No.” He finally muttered and Cas’ eyes widened.

“Are you hurt? What’s wrong? Where are you hurt?”

“I’m not hurt, Cas, you don’t need to heal me. That’s not why I asked you to come.”

Castiel exhaled with relief and tried to compose himself.

“Ok. Alright. Why did you call me then?” He asked cautiously.

“I wanted to know if you were ok. Shit, Cas, are you ok?” Their eyes met again and Castiel knew he couldn’t lie.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I missed you.” The angel mumbled silently. He knew he should have lied, but he was in no shape to lie. Those past two weeks have been harder than he thought possible. He tried to work through the jumble of emotions and hurt feelings, but all it did was confused and hurt him more. So now he simply couldn’t pretend or lie anymore and so he said the only possible thing – the truth.

“Cas, you shouldn’t…”

“No Dean, you shouldn’t ask, if you don’t want to hear the answers. Why did you call me here? What do you want?” Castiel said angrily. He was so tired of all the confusion and all the uncertainty around Dean that he just couldn’t stand it anymore. All this tension was just too much to bear.

“Don’t ask me that Cas.” Dean said with deceptive calmness.

“Why?”

“Because you know my answer.”

“No, I don’t! All I know is that I’m not ok. Dean, all of this is so miserably new to me! I don’t know what it is that I’m feeling and you… One second you’re angry with me, then you’re drunk and you kiss me, then you’re angry with me again and then you ignore me… What have I done to make you so angry with me?”

Dean jumped out of the car as if the angel’s words had burned him. Castiel sighed and let his head fall back closing his eyes. Of course he would flee! What had he expected? Dean was always raising questions, never answering them.

Suddenly, the passenger’s door opened and Dean dragged him out of the car.

“You left me!” The hunter shouted slamming Cas against the car. “You fucking left me!”

“I left because I couldn’t take it anymore! I understand I misplaced my feelings, but what is wrong with you? Why do you behave this way? I thought you were my friend! My family! Why couldn’t you just speak to me? Why couldn’t you just tell me you’re not interested? Or at least tell me to get over it? Why did you make it so hard? And why on earth did you have to kiss me?” Castiel ranted desperately. He felt raw and exposed, but it didn’t matter. He would die for Dean. He would do anything for Dean. Why couldn’t he have simply told him he didn’t want Castiel’s affection? Why did he make it so hard for him? Why did he have to confuse him all the time?

“Cas…” Dean suddenly pulled him into a strong embrace and held onto him, despite his initial struggles to get free. “Cas, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, please… I was such an idiot! I’m so sorry… Please, if you could just listen… Cas, I’m not much of the talker, not about these things, but you couldn’t have known and I should have tried… What I’m trying to say is… Shit, Cas, I…” He pulled back a little, cupped Cas’ face in his hands and kissed him slowly and fully on a mouth. There was no anger, no urgency this time. The kiss they shared was full of comfort and understanding. They both clung to each other as if their lives depended on that, but they took their time. Their tongues caressed each other, explored each other. And this time it was different because they were both fully aware – none of them was drunk or angry or tired.

“What do you want, Dean?” Castiel asked silently when they finally broke their kiss. They were still holding each other and Cas stared at Dean intently.

“I want you.” He answered without hesitation. “I fucking need you, Cas.”

Castiel closed his eyes and let out a deep breath he was unaware of holding.

“You have me, Dean.” He whispered and then opened his eyes again. “Didn’t you know?”

Dean’s lips were on him again and now there was urgency. He kissed him fiercely, sucking first on his lip and his tongue and then trailing the kisses down his jaw line to his neck. Dean’s hands were roaming all over his angel who started shivering and moaning again. Dean licked the corner of Cas’ mouth and an angel gasped at the sensations that overwhelmed him.

“You’re loud, Cas.” Dean whispered to his mouth. “I like it…”

“My vessel… And I too… We’ve never experienced this, Dean. It’s very intense.”

Dean’s eyes darkened and he pulled back a little.

“Well, you did get some experience with that whore, you know.” He muttered angrily.

“No, I didn’t.” Castiel replied calmly, still holding onto Dean. “And I don’t think you should call her whore. She didn’t seem to be one.”

“She sure as hell acted as one!” Dean growled trying to pull back. This time Castiel locked his arms and refused to let go.

“Dean, I didn’t stay with her.”

“What? What do you mean you didn’t stay with her? I know you did! You stayed with her for two fucking days! Two very long fucking days!”

“I didn’t. I never went back to the bar. I left on my own.”

“What? You didn’t? But… Then why the hell didn’t you tell me?” Dean was furious now. He had spent two days in the state of constant jealousy induced rage and it was for nothing?

“I didn’t think it mattered. You said we had to go out and engage in coitus. You thought I did that, I saw no reason to tell you differently.”

“You saw no reason? I was getting insane!” He shouted now and struggled harder to get free.

“I didn’t know that. I apologize, that was not my intention. You said I shouldn’t tell you how I felt about you, so I thought you’d be happier thinking I was with Laura than knowing that I spent two days thinking about you and trying to get myself under control so I could return.” Castiel held him firmly still. “Dean, I think you should stop struggling, you’ll get hurt. I don’t wish to let you go.”

Dean stared at him in disbelief for a second while the internal struggle went on in him. Finally, he simply laughed.

“So it’s all my fault, right? If hadn’t been such a dick, we could’ve sorted this out way sooner.”

“I assume by ‘dick’ you mean unbearable, confusing and constantly changing your mind?” Castiel asked seriously.

“Shut up!” Dean growled and kissed him again. “Cas, you will stay, right?”

“I would like that.” He nodded and rested his forehead against Dean’s. He felt so undeniably happy now he was actually scared something wrong would happen. That much he learned already – happiness didn’t seem to last.

“Ok. I’d like that too, you know.” There was certainly relief in Dean’s voice now. “There’s one more thing though. I don’t want anyone to know about us.”

Castiel looked at him curiously.

“Why?”

“I just don’t. It’s private and I want it to be private.”

“I don’t understand. Why is it a secret?”

“Look, I just… Well it’s new to me too, you know? I’ve never been with a dude; I’ve never even wanted to be with one. And then you come along and all I want is to rip off that freakin’ trench coat and go all discovery channel like on you!”

“I don’t understand what that means, but I think you’re saying you prefer women?” Castiel tilted his head slightly. “But I’m not a woman and that’s a problem?”

“It’s not a problem, Cas. I just want this to stay between us for the time being. I need to get used to wanting a dude!”

“But I’m not a dude, Dean. I’m an angel. Only my vessel is a man.”

“Yeah, I know… The thing is I’m hot for you, but you and your vessel is kind of the same thing now, so I’m kind of hot for a dude.”

“Alright, I understand. I’m also hot for a dude then, right?”

Dean laughed slightly at that. Cas reminded him a movie he once saw where the aliens where discussing the mating habits of the humans.

“Yes, I suppose you’re hot for a dude too.” He smiled and kissed him again. “So, can we keep it a secret for now?”

“Alright.” He agreed and then kissed him for the first time. “You are the most important of my father’s children, Dean.”

“Here!” Dean tapped at Cas’ chest with his finger, blushing slightly. “Right here, what you just said – that’s not ok. It’s awkward as hell and you’re making me uncomfortable. And I don’t care that you’re all adorable when you do that, it’s still embarrassing as fuck and you shouldn’t say it.” He frowned but still pecked him lightly on the lips to wipe away the angel’s confusion. “Let’s get back to the motel. That moose of a brother of mine will be happy to see you back.”

“I like your brother, Dean, I think he’s a good man.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just don’t forget – we’re not sharing this,” he waved his hand between them, “with anyone yet.”

“I know, I won’t forget.” He nodded and let Dean lead the way to the motel. Before they walked in through the door, Dean pulled him into one last kiss and winked at him. Castiel smiled happily and they both walked in.

“Sammy!” Dean shouted and Sam poked his head from his room. “Look who’s back!”

Sam’s face broke into a smile as he came closer and suddenly pulled Castiel into a tight hug.

“Finally!” He laughed. “We missed you.”

As Castiel hugged Sam back he saw Dean’s eyebrow cock up questioningly, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I missed you too, Sam. I’m back now.”

“So, I’m not allowed to call for him, but you are, right?” Sam asked his brother after releasing the angel. “What the hell is it between you two? Why is it always you?”

“Dean and I share more profound bond, Sam. I held his soul in my grace – that forges a bond that is stronger than whatever bodily or spiritual bonds can be made here on Earth.”

“Jesus Christ, Cas! What did I just tell you? No soul talk!” Dean all but whined rolling his eyes.

“Nice!” Sam interrupted frowning, before Castiel could reply. “So this idiot here has his own angel…”

“Watch out who you’re calling idiot!” Dean growled.

“I would help you in any way possible too, Sam. You’re a family.” Castiel said seriously. “I have died for you two. I would do it again.”

“Alright, alright, that’s enough.” Dean groaned. “No one’s dying. We’re happy you’re back, Cas, let’s leave it at that. And now we could really use some sleep, don’t you think? I’m beat.”

“I no longer require sleep.” Castiel said.

“Yeah, right, angel thing.” Dean nodded. “Well, make yourself at home Cas, I’m going to bed.”

“Good night, Dean.” Castiel smiled at him and then raised his eyebrow when Sam settled on the couch beside him.

“I’ll watch TV with you for a while. Is that ok?” He asked turning on the TV.

“Of course.” He said seriously and then smiled. “I’m glad to be back.”

“Yeah, me too.” His friend chucked and focused his attention on the TV. “You’ve missed a shitload of that stupid show, by the way, but I’ll help you catch up.” And that’s exactly what Sam did for the next four hours, before finally yawning widely and with the wave goodnight, leaving Cas to wait for the morning alone.

 

 

 

The next morning Dean woke up quite early. He was eager to see Cas again, so he decided against sleeping in.

“Morning, Cas.” He greeted him as he walked out of the shower. He smiled slightly seeing that Cas was still wearing his trench coat ad still sitting on the coach in front of the TV.

Castiel raised his head and smiled at Dean.

“Good morning.” His eyes trailed down Dean’s body making the hunter blush a little. Dean was barefoot, wearing a pair of blue jeans that slung low on his hips and a simple white T-shirt. Castiel stared at him almost transfixed.

“Where’s Sammy?” Dean asked trying to break the tension.

“He went to get some juice and a pie for you. He said he’d be back soon.” Castiel replied tearing his gaze off Dean. At that time the hunter stretched and a strip of skin covering his muscular abs appeared between his jeans and the T-shirt. Castiel’s eyes fixed on that strip with renewed intensity. He was startled by the reaction of his own body. His throat went completely dry, but there was some unexpected moisture on his palms. His hands almost itched with desire to touch that gorgeous body in front of him. He felt warmth in his groin and he knew he was getting hard. Without realizing it he licked his lips and then bit down on his bottom lip. This is when he heard Dean groan.

“What are you doing, Cas?” The hunter asked in his husky voice coming closer to him. He took the side of Cas’ face into his hand and brushed his thumb across the angels lips. “You can’t look at me like that or I’ll jump you right here.”

“I don’t think I mind that.” Cas replied now looking at Dean’s eyes now and biting his lip again.

“Fuck, Cas, stop it. I’m serious; I’m on a verge of jumping you.”

Castiel stood up suddenly and kissed Dean almost feverishly, clinging to him. His tongue met the hunter’s and they both moaned. Castiel slid his hands under the taunting T-shirt and marveled in the feeling of Dean’s body in his hands. He caressed his abs, his sides feeling every muscle and enjoying the shivers that ran through the hunter and that mirrored the shivering he felt running down his own spine. He slid his hands up the hunter’s body to his chest and circled one of his nipples with his thumb, flicking it lightly. He felt the hunter’s body stiffen for a second and then his hips bucked pressing hard against Castiels hips and again they both moaned loudly.

Suddenly, Dean pulled back forcefully.

“Stop, stop…” He panted, completely out of breath. “Fuck, Cas… What the fuck are you doing?”

“I think it’s called getting to a second base.” Castiel replied seriously, but his cheeks were also flming and he was breathing heavily.

“For crying out loud, do you understand I can barely control myself around you?” Dean asked rolling his eyes. “Few more seconds of this and I’d be fucking you right here where we stand.”

“And you see this as a bad thing?” Castiel asked confusedly.

“Sammy, Cas! He’ll be here any moment now. I don’t think this is how he’d like to find out his brother is a queer. Besides, I don’t think you’re ready for this too.”

“I think word queer is offensive, Dean.”

“Right, right. Anyway, you can’t look at me like that and for the love of God, don’t you bite that lip of yours or I’ll bite it too!”

“Like this?” Castiel asked smiling slightly and bit his lip once again.

“Damn it, Cas!” Dean groaned again, his green eyes darkening. He grabbed the back of angel’s neck and kissed him licking his bottom lip, then sucking on it and finally biting it and eliciting a loud moan from Castiel.

“Shit, shit! Stop it! You’re driving me insane!”

“Well if you do not wish me to react to you the way I do, I suggest you wear more clothes Dean.” Castiel sighed knowing this was now over. He heard Sam pull up in the drive way. “Sam is coming; I think you should get dressed or your brother might see more than he expects.” He licked his lips again feeling the taste of Dean on them and enjoying it.

Dean ran his thumb across Castiels bottom lip once again and then pecked him quickly before returning to his room to get properly and fully dressed. Having an angel here had already proven to be much more difficult but also much more exciting than he had anticipated.


	6. Lessons and Choices

That night Sam insisted they all went to a bar to celebrate Cas’ return. Castiel felt unsure – his last trip to a bar ended in a lot of pain, but Sam whined and whined until they all agreed to go. Dean teased Sam that he only wanted to go back to that bar, because he met some chick couple of nights before, but Sam didn’t give up and that night they all went out.  
This was a similar bar to the one they all went to couple of weeks ago. There were not too many people, but it wasn’t empty either. The brothers and Castiel sat at the bar and Sam ordered a bottle of whiskey and some beers.  
“So, to your return, Cas!” Sam raised his glass. “Hope you won’t go wandering soon!”  
“I’ll drink to that!” Dean agreed raising his own glass, but with a twinge of unease he saw Castiel’s face fall a little.  
“To us being together.” Castiel raised his glass and they all drank. Dean didn’t fail to grasp that Castiel didn’t drink to them staying together, but this was not a time for serious talk. Today they’d get drunk, they’d play some pool and they’d go home. There will be time for serious talk tomorrow.  
Two hours later the bottle Sam bought was empty and they were all reasonably drunk. Sam did meet up with the woman and Dean complained to Castiel that they were just an excuse for him. Cas agreed this was probably true, but didn’t say anything about it. It was nice to see Sam so relaxed and enjoying himself – the brothers rarely had time for something other than hunt. Or pain. Or saving the world. So now seeing Sam smiling and laughing excitedly, albeit drunkenly, only made Castiel glad he could witness that. He couldn’t, however, say the same about the older Winchester’s choice of having fun - as Dean ordered few more drinks a pretty blond woman came to sit beside him.  
“Mind if I sit here?” She asked smiling at him.  
“Nope, please do.” He replied and turned back to Cas.  
“You’re new here.” She said claiming his attention once again. “I would’ve remembered a face like yours.”  
Dean smiled at her. This was what he was actually good at. This was easy. There was no confusion, no second thoughts.  
“So would I, sweetheart.” He drawled and then heard Cas get up from his seat and walk away. Dean turned to him and was about to go after him, when this girl laughed.  
“I think your friend here gave us some privacy.”  
“Um… Sorry, I need to go.” He said, but stopped once again as the girl asked. “Oh, are you two together? Didn’t want to get in a middle of anything. You just didn’t seem that kind of fella.”  
“What? No, of course we’re not. He’s just new here, that’s all. But you’re right, he’ll be ok. What can I get you, sweetheart?” He flashed his carefree smile, even though inside he was yearning to go after Cas, to explain why he was doing this. Dean had always been popular among women and he had always used this to get laid. He didn’t want to have sex with the girl sitting next to him and he wouldn’t do it too, but he had to keep up appearances, didn’t he? Cas would understand.  
Castiel walked out of the bar and in a heartbeat he was sitting on the roof of the Prudential Tower again. He tried to understand, he really did, but it just didn’t make sense. What did it mean? Would Dean keep having sex with other people? Castiel didn’t think he could take it. He didn’t want anyone to even touch Dean. He wanted to touch him. He wanted to be the only one who touched Dean. Was it not the way it worked? Granted, Castiel knew very little to none of how these things work, but he thought things would change now that he and Dean were… And what were they really? Dean had said he wanted him, but he also said he didn’t want anyone to know. Did that mean he didn’t want things to change? Maybe Castiel was just convenient to Dean – being right there and willing. So perhaps he misjudged things? Perhaps this was only to be expected.   
The longer Castiel thought about it, the more obvious it became that whatever the thing they had between them was not a reason to change Dean’s usual behavior. And really, Dean shouldn’t change just because Castiel wanted him to – Dean had his own life and was free to live it the way he wanted. He made it pretty clear by now that he didn’t want any sort of commitment or exclusivity, so Castiel would either have to accept it or just let Dean go. He supposed he could accept it, he wanted Dean any way possible and if he had to share… Well, at least he’d have a little bit. Castiel sighed again. He was drunk and he was hurt again – bars were definitely not his thing. And yet, with another deep breath he went back to the bar.  
As he walked in, he saw Dean still talking to that girl he left him with. She was laughing and talking to him. And she was touching him – her palm on his shoulder – light and easy. On the shoulder Castiel marked! The hatred and resentment Castiel felt at that moment startled him. It was a sour feeling, the feeling that Castiel disliked at once. He had to be above that, he had to learn how to deal with that. Dean was who he was and Castiel couldn’t and wouldn’t change him. Not for the first time though he felt oddly inadequate – he had no idea how these things were supposed to work, so perhaps he should just let Dean show him.  
Suddenly, Sam walked to him and nudged him with his shoulder.   
“Dean’s got himself a girl again.” He slurred and the pouted. “And my date has left. Want a drink?”  
Castiel helped Sam to get to the bar and they ordered more drinks.  
“He’s lucky, that one.” Sam said sourly looking at Dean. “He always gets a girl. No idea what they see in him, though…”  
“Yes, well, Dean’s… He says it’s a gift.” Castiel remembered. He couldn’t help but feeling angry, really angry, even though he tried to rationalize with himself. Suddenly he had an idea. Maybe he should go about it differently – if Dean wants to keep having sex with other people, maybe that’s how it should work. “Excuse me, Sam.”  
Castiel looked around and spotted an attractive woman sitting alone and nursing her beer.  
“Hello, can I get you a drink?” He asked as he came closer. There was a lot he lacked in social skills, but he knew that much from the reruns of ‘Dr. Sexy’ he’d watched with Dean. The woman turned to him; she was about to tell him to get lost, but her eyes met Castiel’s and she changed her mind. She didn’t know what it was, but there was something about the man beside her that was different. Otherworldly was probably the right word. There was something undeniably good and beautiful about him.  
“You know, why don’t you have a seat, we’ll talk and then I’ll see about that drink.” She smiled at him. “I’m Megan.”  
“Castiel.” He nodded. “It’s nice to meet you Megan.”  
“I’m sure you get that a lot, but that’s a strange name you’ve got. Your family must be religious – Castiel is an angel’s name.”  
“No one has ever known my name was an angel’s name. You are correct though, it is an angel’s name and one could say my family is very religious.”  
“Are you a religious man too, Castiel?”  
“I believe in God, Megan, but I don’t approve of everything he does.”  
“Well said.” She sipped her drink thoughtfully. “So what brings a man like you to this place?”  
“My friends.” He replied and looked back at Dean who was now looking at him. He was not happy. “What about you? I don’t know if it is appropriate to say so, but you don’t seem to fit in very well too.”  
Megan laughed at that.  
“The same. You see that pretty blond flirting with the green eyed man over there? That’s my best friend. She dragged me here and she’s now enjoying herself… Friends!”  
“That green eyed is my friend.” Castiel replied and smiled at her. “Friends are so confusing, wouldn’t you say?”  
Megan laughed again and nodded.  
“I would probably use stronger words to describe ditching of the friend at the bar, but you’re right too, angel. How about you buy me that drink? It seems we’re kind of stuck with each other anyway, while those two get enough.”  
Cas looked at her curiously, but decided she was simply calling him that because of his name.   
“I don’t want to impose myself on you, Megan. If I do, please just tell me – I might not realize that.”  
“You don’t. I’m actually glad you came over. This place is gives me the creeps. And the people here… I mean I don’t have anything against country bars, but really, I’ve been addressed “hey, babe!” and ‘hey gorgeous!’ way too many times to keep my good mood. Now you… You don’t go out much, do you?”  
Castiel smiled.  
“I don’t like bars. They’re too noisy, people are usually rude or strangely obnoxious and… I guess I just don’t like them. And I don’t usually have time to go out… But since we’re here, what would you like to drink?”  
“The beer’s fine. I’m a simple kind of girl, you know.”  
Castiel tilted his head curiously, the way he always did trying to understand something.  
“I don’t think you’re simple. You seem kind and you are very beautiful.” He said finally.  
She laughed loudly again and although none of them noticed, Dean snapped his head towards them at this laughter and narrowed his eyes angrily.  
“You have your way with the ladies, don’t you Castiel? Such simple words, and yet so effective! Men I know no longer speak that way.”  
“You must not know decent men then. I’m merely telling the truth.” He waved for a bartender and ordered two more beers. “I could introduce you to Sam. He’s my friend too, he’s decent. But he’s a bit too inebriated right now…”  
“Why don’t I get to know you instead?” Megan asked, placing her hand lightly over Castiel’s. “You seem decent.”  
“I’m not too good with words. Or, as my friends put it, my people skills are rusty.”  
“You seem to be doing just fine.” She smiled at him warmly. Castiel liked that smile, it was kind and reassuring. “How about this – we go out for a smoke, it’s quieter there and we can talk?”  
“Sure?” Castiel hesitated, but then shook his head. With the corner of his eye he noticed Dean was still at the bar, talking to his companion, at ease. “Let’s go, Megan. I think I really could use the fresh air. Even tainted with the smoke.”  
They walked out the bar and Castiel restrained himself from looking back. He thought Dean would be angry, but he was actually worried he wouldn’t be. He was terrified of looking at him and seeing him flirt with that girl, ignoring Castiel completely. So he simply walked away.  
They sat on the porch in front of the bar and Megan smoked and they talked and laughed together. Mostly Megan talked as Castiel was too unsure of what was appropriate to say and what was not. He enjoyed the light conversation, beer and stories of Megan’s family in Wisconsin. They sat there for almost an hour, when finally they were interrupted by Sam.  
“Cas, we’re leaving. Are you coming?” He asked. Castiel didn’t fail to notice it was Sam who was talking to him, not Dean, but he nodded nevertheless. The brothers were too drunk to drive; he needed to get them home safely.  
“I’m sorry Megan, I have to go.” He smiled at her. “It was very nice to meet you.”  
“You too, Castiel. I hope to see you around some time.” She seemed to think about it for a moment and then reached out into her purse for a card. “Here’s my number, why don’t you give me a call sometime?”  
“Yes, sure.” Castiel nodded smiling. “I hope to see you again sometime.”  
They walked to the car and saw Dean already standing there, swaying slightly and not looking at Castiel.  
“I think you shouldn’t drive Dean. I’ll get you home.”  
“Fine, whatever.” He muttered still not looking at him and Castiel touched their shoulders and got them back to the motel.  
“Goodnight.” Dean said silently and went to his room without a single glance at Castiel.  
“Goodnight Cas, you stud!” Sam laughed clapping him on the shoulder before going to his room.  
Castiel settled onto the couch again, but he didn’t want to watch TV this time, so he simply stared at nothing for a long time.

 

At around four in the morning he heard Dean’s voice.  
“Cas, could you come here?”  
Castiel went to his room without hesitation. Dean was lying on his bed, covered by the sheets.  
“Come, sit here.” He called and Castiel sat beside him.  
“I’m sorry.” He muttered and Castiel sighed. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told her to get lost. I wanted to, but… I’m such an idiot Cas.”  
“You’re not an idiot, Dean. Your IQ is perfectly normal, most likely on a higher end of a normal deviation.”  
Dean smiled at that and then got serious again.  
“I know you talked to her to make a point. And the point is taken, ok? I won’t do it again. I won’t fool around with anyone.”  
“I wanted you to know what I feel when someone is touching you. I hate it. It makes me really angry.”  
“I know, I got it.” Dean nodded.  
“I don’t expect you to change, Dean. You are who you are and I’m fine with that. I just don’t want to be present for that; I don’t want to see it.”  
“Hey, it’s not… That’s not what I meant…”  
“It’s alright. I know you and I understand that whatever it is between us doesn’t change anything, it’s fine.”  
“Dammit, Cas! It’s not fine! I hated it. Seeing you with that girl – I hated it. I don’t want you to be with anyone else, ok?”  
“But I don’t understand… Why is it alright for you to fornicate with whomever, but not for me?”  
“Cas, listen to me – I’m not going to fool around with anyone, ok? It’s not alright for me and it’s not alright for you too. Whatever it is between us actually changes things and I was a moron tonight. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”  
“So you won’t let other people touch you?” He asked tentatively.  
“No, I won’t. And I really hope you won’t either. Cas, I never wanted to punch a girl, but I swear to God, if she tried to kiss you I might as well hit her.”  
“I wouldn’t have let her kiss me. You are the only one who ever kissed me and I intend to leave it at that.”  
“Good, because I’d punch you too.”  
“You’d hurt your hand and I’d have to heal you. That’s not too smart.”  
“Oh, shut up Cas. Just kiss me, alright?”  
And Castiel did. He leaned over him and kissed him possessively, feeling Dean respond with as much possessiveness. As they kissed the sheet slid down and Castiel saw Dean was not wearing a T-shirt. He looked at him curiously and focused on the hand print on his shoulder.  
“I did that.” He said touching the hand print lightly.  
“Yes, you left your mark on me.” The hunter nodded and kissed him again.  
Castiel’s hand slid down Dean’s body caressing him, examining him.  
“You are beautiful.” He said once Dean released his lips.  
“Take off your coat, Cas.” Dean said silently in a husky voice and Castiel obeyed at once. “Good, now take off your jacket.” Again the angel obeyed and as he took off his jacket Dean stood up.  
He was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and Castiel gasped seeing him.  
“Do you like what you see Cas?” He asked standing a foot from him. The angel’s breath hitched and he nodded.  
“Tell me.”  
“I like what I see.” He said his voice breaking slightly.  
Dean reached out and started undoing his tie. “Good. I want to see you too, Castiel. I want to feel you.”  
He removed his tie and started unbuttoning his shirt when he noticed Castiel was staring at him transfixed, biting his lip again. Dean growled silently.  
“Don’t bite your lip, Cas.” He whispered against the angel’s lips and kissed him, sucking his bottom lip. Castiel’s hands went straight to the hunters back, caressing him pressing him hard. Dean bit his lip and Castiel moaned loudly.  
“Shh, you’ll wake Sammy.” Dean whispered resting his forehead against Cas’ for a moment, trying to compose himself. Then he moved back a little and resumed unbuttoning Cas’ shirt. Once he undid every single button, he pulled the shirt off and now Castiel was standing in front of him with a simple white T-shirt.  
“So many layers…” Dean hissed. “Raise your hands.”  
As Castiel did so, Dean pulled his T-shirt over angel’s head and finally Cas was standing in front of him with his bare chest. Dean’s eyes slid up and down his body, drinking him in. He noticed Castiel was muscular as he thought he would be. He wasn’t as muscular as Dean himself, he was leaner than him too, but to Dean it was perfect. To his surprise he noticed Castiel was tanned.  
“How is it you’re tanned, Cas? I’ve never even seen you without that trench coat and you’re tanned underneath…”  
“My vessel… It didn’t change at all since I entered it. I suppose Jimmy didn’t wear trench coat all the time.”  
“Hmm, Jimmy most likely didn’t.” Dean agreed and suddenly he was kissing him again. Their naked chests touched and they both moaned into each other mouths. Dean trailed his kisses down Cas’ jaw line to his neck, nipping it, sucking on it and getting another moan from Castiel. He trailed down his neck to his shoulders, caressing his back with his hands and tasting him all the time. He trailed down further, to his chest and as he reached his nipples, Dean sucked on one of them, flicking the other with his thumb. This time Castiel moaned so loudly Dean had to silence him with a kiss.  
“You’re too loud, Cas.” He whispered.  
“It’s all so new to me, Dean. I can’t control it very well.”  
“I can see that.” Dean smiled and kissed him lightly. “I like that, you’re so responsive. The things I’d like to do to you…”  
“I think I’d like that…” He smiled and ran his tongue down the hunter’s neck, tasting him and then started kissing the mark he’d left.   
Suddenly, Dean grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him into a hard kiss again. Then just as abruptly, he pushed him away.  
“We have to stop now, Cas, or I won’t be able to stop at all.” He panted.  
“I don’t want to stop.”  
“No, I don’t either, but we have to. Sam is right there and I can’t control myself very well… I’ll get you on your own soon, I promise. Then we can do much, much more…” His eyes darkened with his promise and Castiel felt his throat go dry again. He took a deep breath and nodded.  
“Alright, Dean, I’ll go then.”  
“No, don’t go. Stay with me tonight, ok? Just… Well, you have to leave before he wakes up, you know.”  
“Alright.” He whispered for the first time feeling… unclean. But it was Dean who was asking him to stay after all and that was all that mattered.  
“Good, come here then.” Dean took his hand and pulled him into his bed. Castiel wrapped his arm around Dean’s torso and rested his head on his chest. He listened to the gradually slowing breathing of the hunter as he fell asleep. Even then Dean’s arms were holding him closely, refusing to let go and Castiel felt truly and completely happy.

 

The next morning when Castiel heard Sam stir in his room he untangled himself from Dean’s arms. Dean opened his eyes at once, but Castiel smiled at him and pointed towards Sam’s room. Dean nodded then pulled Cas into a quick kiss before letting him go. Castiel pulled the T-shirt on, collected all the other clothes and disappeared.   
When Sam came out of his room, he found Castiel sitting on the couch fully dressed as if he hadn’t moved at all.  
“You know, I realized I have never asked you what have you been up to those two weeks, Cas?” Sam asked after he had made some coffee and settled onto the couch next to Cas. “Seen some world? Traveled a little?”  
“Yes, I traveled. I also went back to heaven. I wanted to know what was happening there. I went to see Samandriel – he’s the leader of one side of the war. Raphael has been replaced by Israfil who is even more determined to restore the apocalypse. Samandriel is doing his best, but I think he’s losing. He wants me to join his ranks.”  
“What?”An angry voice bellowed from Dean’s room. He walked to them quickly. “You went back to them? Why?”  
“I went home, Dean. Where else was I supposed to go?”  
“You were supposed to come back here!”  
“Dean, I am a celestial being. Sooner or later I had to go back to heaven. Angels are dying there… There is so much blood. Raphael was often cruel and merciless, but Israfil is simply lethal. He hates it when somebody disobeys him and he punishes this disobedience severely. Samandriel told me Israfil had ordered all of his rank to find me and drag me back to him, so he can kill me in person.”  
“What?” Sam gasped. “Why you?”  
“I disobeyed. I interfered with the apocalypse and I was the reason our brother was killed. He thinks I killed Raphael and so the revenge he seeks is with me. Samandriel wants me to join him so we can fight him together given that both of us will have to fight him nevertheless.”  
“You’re not joining the war, Cas.” Dean said silently but with so much finality that Sam looked at him curiously.  
“I said I would think about it.”  
“There’s nothing to think about. You’re not joining the war.”  
“I should join Samandriel. I should at the very least try to protect my family from murdering each other. I should make sure the apocalypse is not restored. This is my duty, Dean.”  
Suddenly, Dean turned to Sam.  
“Sammy, I want to speak to Cas alone.”  
“No! This is my business too.”  
“Sam, get out, I want to speak to him alone!” Dean growled furiously.  
“Sam, please let me speak to your brother alone. It’ll be easier this way.” Castiel asked calmly.  
“You two are unbelievable.” Sam sighed but in the end he took the keys of Impala and left without saying anything else.  
“Cas, you’re not serious, are you?” Dean asked him silently, trying to control his temper.  
“You know this is the right thing to do Dean.”  
“No, the right thing to do is for you to stay here. You said you’d stay Cas. You can’t leave.”  
“I don’t want to leave.” Castiel came closer to Dean who was leaning against the door. “I want to stay here, with you. But we’re not talking about what we want. I’m talking about my family. I’m talking about the war that I am a big part of. If not for me, the angels wouldn’t be dying now.”  
“No, they wouldn’t be. But half of the world would be dead. And so would be Sammy and me. Cas, you can’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault that the feathery asses up there have started a massacre!”  
“It is my fault, Dean. My intentions were good and I’d do it again, but I can’t pretend it’s not my fault.”  
Dean lifted Cas’ chin up so he can look him straight in the eye. He saw the angel’s blue eyes clouded with pain.  
“Cas, it’s not your fault, you hear me? You didn’t start the war. All you wanted is some free will, that’s all. That’s not your fault.” He kissed him slowly, gently.  
“Even if it’s not, it’s still my duty to defend my family. I should be there, fighting this war.” Castiel dropped his gaze again.  
“I thought Sammy and I were your family.”  
“You are, but this is one more reason why I should fight. Don’t you understand? If Israfil wins, the apocalypse will start again and I will lose you for good!”  
“So you want me to lose you for good instead?” Dean asked angrily. “I don’t want to lose you, Cas. I refuse to lose you! You’re mine, remember? You can’t leave me!”  
“Dean…”  
“No! You can’t leave! You promised and you can’t leave!”  
“I’m an angel Dean! I have duties! I can’t run from them forever!”  
“Then what the hell are you doing with me?” Dean shouted furiously. “Why did you return? Why the fuck have you given me hope?”  
“Dean, please…”  
“No, Castiel. You speak to me now – what are we doing? I thought you cared about me.” He was serious now. Not even angry, but dead serious. Castiel knew this was the point of no return – right here and then.  
“You know I do.” He whispered.  
“Then why are you leaving me? This is it Cas. You’re either with me or you’re not. I can’t let this continue if you’re leaving me. I just can’t.”  
“Dean, you’re making me choose between who I am and what I want. This isn’t fair.”  
“I know it’s not, but that’s the only way. So which is it Cas? You’re in or you’re out?”  
“Dean, please…”  
Dean looked at him trying to stay calm. The despair was threatening to crush him, but he stood his ground. Cas would either be with him or he would leave. He couldn’t live like this – he couldn’t live knowing Cas was fighting his war and waiting for him to return. He couldn’t live worrying every waking moment. If Cas left, he’d pull that feeling he had for this angel out of his heart once and for all. It would hurt, but it would be better than living in never ending fear.  
“In or out Cas?”  
“I… I suppose I’m out…”  
Dean glared at him.  
“Then get the fuck out!” He shouted. “Get out and don’t you dare to return!”  
Castiel took a deep steadying breath. He felt as if the ground was shaking beneath him.  
“Alright, I’ll go and I won’t come back. I will tell you this before I go – Sam and you were my family and I will never forget that. And you… The way I feel about you is…”  
“No!” Dean shouted and shoved the angel harshly away from him. “Don’t you dare speak about that! How can you leave me with this? How dare you speak about feelings when you’re leaving me?!”  
“It’s all about feelings, Dean…”  
“Stop it!” Dean yelled. “Get the fuck out! I’m done here!”  
Cas nodded silently and with the flutter of wings he was gone.


	7. Jimmy

It’s been over two months – two long, but busy months. Castiel was leading an army of angels now, being second in Samandriel’s command. He was the soldier again, the warrior in both his heart and his actions. Israfil was furious having found out Castiel had joined the war and did everything he could to hunt him down. In the mean time Castiel was doing all he could to find Balthazar and get the weapons he had stolen so he could beat Israfil once and for all.

So far he was fighting a losing battle. So many of his brothers had fallen he had almost lost count. Almost. He wished he had though – the loss pained him. At the same time he was more determined than ever – he had to defeat Israfil, he had to make sure the apocalypse was not reinstated. Samandriel had told him Israfil had almost everything he needed to free Michael and Lucifer and only the war they were in was stopping him. The war and the khamsa that was now hanging on Castiel’s neck and that was crucial to unseal the grave. This, obviously, did not lessen Israfil’s determination to find and kill Castiel.

“Brother, you need to slow down.” Samandriel told him one night. “Our brothers are tired.”

“Israfil is not slowing down. I have to find Balthazar first.” Castiel argued, but he knew his brother was right. The others were tired, he saw it, but he couldn’t stop. If he stopped, he would think about him and he couldn’t allow himself to think about him. Not now, when so much was at stake.

“You are wearing yourself out, Castiel. Slow down.”

“I will go on my own then. The others need to rest, I don’t.”

“You do too. Couple of hours, that’s all I ask for, and we’ll resume. Get some rest, you really need it.”

Castiel stared at his brother for few long moments and finally nodded before leaving Samandriel’s piece of heaven. He wanted to go looking for Balthazar again, but decided his brother was probably right. He had to rest or he’d be no good in a battle. He went to his favorite heaven and sat down on the ground. He enjoyed the peacefulness of this particular heaven – the one of the autistic man flying the kite. It was refreshing to watch this heaven without the burden of the vessel, vessel that he had abandoned before joining the war, vessel, whose appearance he had kept as a bitter reminder of the man Dean used to like.

‘Dean…’ He breathed. It’s been two months, but every free moment he had was still about Dean. Castiel tried to stay away, he really did, but still from time to time he’d go to Earth to see if he was alright.

Dean had seemed fine and that hurt, but he seemed fine and that was also a relief.

He went back to his usual habits – he was hunting with Sam, going through bars and women as if nothing had ever happened. This hurt, but it was also good, because it meant he was alright.

And yet, sometimes at night Castiel would hear Dean calling him and he’d look and see he was dreaming. And it was a relief, because Dean remembered him, but it also hurt, because Dean wasn’t alright.

Couple of times he heard Sam pray to him, asking him to come back, saying Dean wasn’t ok with Castiel gone. Castiel never went back, because Dean didn’t want him to. And it hurt, because all Castiel wanted was to go back and yet he knew he wouldn’t. And it hurt, because Dean wasn’t fine.

 

 

Dean stared blankly at the ceiling of the motel room. Next to him pretty girl was sleeping soundly having wrapped herself around him. He didn’t care, she was all wrong.

Dean did his best to rip that stupid angel from his mind, but all he thought of was him. Was he alright? Was he alive at all? Was he still thinking of him?

The warm body against him stirred sleepily and Dean thought how wrong it felt. Only once had he slept with the angel in his arms and now everyone else was wrong. He tried other women, but every time he had to accept the inevitable truth – they were wrong. He even considered having a man, but he never met anyone he’d be attracted to. Except that fucking angel.

Dean untangled himself from the girl, gathered his things and went out without a second glance at the girl. She was not him.

As he drove back to Bobby’s, Dean thought of what had become of his life. From the outside nothing has changed. He was doing everything right – hunting with Sammy, drinking with Bobby, fucking any decent skirt that wandered his way, trying to find Crowley and not talking about Castiel.

On the inside everything has changed, because when he was hunting with Sammy, he thought about Cas, when he was drinking with Bobby, he thought about Cas, when he was searching for Crowley he thought about Cas, when he was fucking the next girl he sure as was hell thinking about Cas and when he was not talking about Cas all he wanted to do was talk to him.

Two months of this torture and Dean was barely holding up. Was he alright? Was he alive at all? Was he still thinking about him?

 

 

The next morning Dean woke up to a sound of loud knocking on the door.

“Sam, get that! It’s driving me insane!” He growled through his sleep, but the next moment all of his sleepiness was gone as he heard the door open and Sam shout out Castiel’s name in surprise.

Dean jumped out of the bed and ran to the door, wearing nothing but his boxers. He looked at Cas and frowned. There was something wrong. Cas had never looked at him like that.

“Cas?” He asked silently.

“No, it’s Jimmy, Jimmy Novak.” The man replied and Dean understood it all. The wave of deep disappointment rushed through him. This was not Cas.

“I’m sorry to wake you, but I really need your help. You’re my last chance!”

Dean nodded and then mumbled, “Let me get dressed, we’ll speak then.”

When he returned he heard Jimmy telling Sam that he had Bobby’s number and the hunter told him where they were. He traveled for two days to find them and that he didn’t know what else to do. Dean watched him carefully, frowning deeply. Jimmy had Cas’ eyes, but the look in them was all wrong. He had Cas’ voice, but he talked differently – different choice of words, different cadencies. He had his body, but he moved differently. And most of all, to Dean’s surprise, he didn’t attract the hunter the slightest. Yes, he was similar to the man he longed for, but he was not him. He was just a stranger, nothing more.

“So, how can we help you Jimmy?” Dean asked settling down on a coach.

“Well… I’m looking for Castiel, can you help me find him?” He asked cautiously.

“If he’s not in you, there’s not much we can do, you know. He can’t come to us; we’re not immune to his angel mojo.”

“I understand, but I thought… Maybe you could pray for him to return? He was very partial to you and your brother, as far as I remember – maybe he’d listen to you?”

“I don’t understand. Have you tried praying to him?” Dean asked confusedly.

“Of course! When he was leaving he promised to come back if something happened and I needed his help. He promised he’d do anything to protect my family! I need his help – there’s a demon in my wife! He’ll kill her and my little girl and that angel owes me! He has to come back and deal with this. So I’ve been praying and praying, but the son of a bitch hasn’t showed up! He promised and now he simply abandoned me!”

“Yeah, well, he’s good at that.”

“Dean, you don’t think something happened to him?” Sam asked carefully.

“No. Nothing could have happened. He’s probably too busy playing war with his feathery ass of the brothers to notice such trivial things.”

“It doesn’t sound like him… I have also prayed to him, you know and he didn’t respond.”

“When did you pray to him?” There was definitely worry in his voice now. Cas was probably busy, that’s true, but he wouldn’t ignore Sammy, would he?

“A week ago or so.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You don’t want to talk about him, so I didn’t.”

“And you?” He turned to Jimmy. “When did you pray to him?”

“It’s all I’ve been doing for the last two days.”

“Dammit!” Dean growled. “Dammit, dammit!”

He then took a deep breath and composed himself. He needed to be strong now.

“Castiel? If you can hear me… Jimmy needs you, please help him.”

Dean expected a flash of light and Cas would be walking in Jimmy’s shoes, so to say, but nothing happened.

“Cas? Come down here, you promised this poor idiot to help him!”

More silence. This was not funny at all. Castiel had never failed to come when Dean called.

“Dean, I think he might be…”

“No!” He cut across him, before he could finish the sentence. “No! He’s just busy, that’s all. He’ll be here in no time.”

“He never took his time… There must be something wrong.”

“Shut up Sammy! He’s fine! He’ll be here any moment!”

But he wasn’t. They spend all day waiting and Dean kept calling him way past the point both Sam and Jimmy lost any hope. Dean didn’t lose his hope. Cas had to be alive. If Cas was dead then all was lost. Dean thought he accepted the loss of Cas when he left, but that was a lie. He never accepted it and was not ready to accept it still.

“Cas, come down here, you son of the bitch!”

“Dean, you’ve got to stop this!” Sam pleaded. He could no longer watch his brother struggle with accepting the fact that Cas couldn’t come back.

“Shut the fuck up, Sam!” Dean growled and stormed to his room, slamming the door.

“Cas,” he whispered, “Cas, please I beg you! Please come back. Just for a moment… Please, I’m begging you, come back…”

He was losing hope now. He would have come back. Dean could think of just one reason why he didn’t and it scared him to death.

“Cas, please! Just please come back!”

And finally he saw the light in the next room and he burst out of his bedroom searching for him.

His eyes met Castiel’s and in that instant Dean knew it was him. Their eyes locked to each other and with that single look Dean felt his mouth run dry, the shiver run down his spine and the bulge in his pants grow.

Sam pulled Cas into a hug, and he hugged Sam back, but his eyes remained fixed on Dean’s. There were so many unspoken things he knew he’d never get the chance to express that he simply stared at him for as long as he could. Finally, Sam broke their contact by standing right in front of Cas.

“Where the hell have you been Cas?” He asked. “We’ve been calling for hours!”

Castiel looked at him seriously. How could he tell him he couldn’t return, because Dean asked him not to? All that time that Dean was calling him, Cas did all he could to stop himself from coming. He knew Jimmy needed him, but he had been in the middle of the battle when he called. By the time he could go down to help him, he was already at Dean’s and Cas didn’t want to come. He waited for Jimmy to get out, even for a second, but he never did. Instead, Castiel had to go to Jimmy’s family without him and he had to ask Claire to accept him so he could banish the demon possessing Jimmy’s wife without killing her too. He much rather would have waited for Jimmy to get out than asking a young girl permission for possession, but time was of the essence since the demon was getting bored with Jimmy’s family. In the end he made sure both Claire and Amelia forgot what happened to them. It was kinder this way and Castiel was sure he saved them countless sleepless or nightmare filled nights. Eventually though, Cas couldn’t take Dean’s pleas anymore and he went down despite knowing this was a mistake. Surely, this was not something he could tell Sam.

“I was… engaged.” He said silently. “I’m sorry if you were worried. I was going to help Jimmy; he should’ve waited for a bit longer.”

“Are you alright?” Sam asked. “It’s been months! Why haven’t you come back?”

“I am really busy up there. Besides, I left Jimmy and didn’t want to disturb him just to let you know I was alright.”

“Nice, Cas!” Sam scowled. “You do realize we were worried? I prayed to you!”

“I know, I heard. But I did see you were not in an immediate need of an angel so I decided not to drag Jimmy into this again. I’m sorry Sam, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I’m up in a war there, I don’t have time for courtesy visits.”

Dean felt blood starting to boil in his veins.

“You don’t have time for courtesy visits?” He growled.

And again their eyes met and the time froze for a moment.

“You made it clear, Dean.” The angel said finally. He cought himself thinking he even missed saying his name out loud – how ridiculous was that? And yet he didn’t want to say too much – Sam didn’t know that Dean asked him not to return. He turned back to Sam.

“I’ll be off now. Jimmy needs to get back to his family, I should go.”

“No.” Both Sam and Dean said and then looked at each other.

“I want to talk to you.” Dean said in the voice that didn’t allow arguments.

“So do I.” Sam agreed. “Damn it, Cas, I’ve missed you!”

“I am sorry, Sam, I did want to come, but… It’s been impossible. I don’t have time anyway. I have to go.” He ignored Dean completely. It was bad enough he came here in the first place, he wouldn’t make it harder on Dean – he couldn’t speak to him alone; that was not safe.

“Castiel, I want to talk to you.” Dean repeated.

“I’m sorry, but I have nothing to tell you.” Castiel replied dryly, trying to sound indifferent. “I have to go.”

“Fuck you, Cas! You’re gonna talk to me, whether you like it or not! Sam, please get out. I want to talk to this idiot alone!”

“But…”

“Sam, please, for the love of God, just get out! This is not the time, please!”

“Fine! But you owe me an explanation and it better be good one!” Sam grabbed the keys. “And you – I want to speak to you too, so please don’t disappear on me!”

With this he slammed the door and left.

At that very instance Castiel could have sworn the tension in the room reached near breaking point. He could almost physically feel Dean’s eyes on him.

“Look at me.” He said silently, but Castiel just shook his head.

“I shouldn’t have come. I know you didn’t want me to ever come back, but… I’m sorry, I couldn’t take it any longer. Please, just don’t ever pray to me again.”

“Look at me.” He repeated a bit louder, but Castiel shook his head again.

“Will you just fucking look at me?” Dean growled and Cas raised his head to meet his eyes.

“I thought you were dead.” He said staring at him. “For a moment there I thought you were dead.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You heard me begging you to come back and you didn’t.” He was speaking with deliberate calmness.

“You asked me to never return. I failed you.”

“I thought you were dead.” Dean repeated without releasing Cas’ gaze.

“Well, wasn’t that the point of it all? Didn’t you ask me to never return so you wouldn’t know or care if I was alive? Didn’t you just want to move on and forget about me?”

“So now it’s about me? Now it’s about what I want?” Dean was shouting again. His fury took over and he couldn’t control it anymore. “Why wasn’t it about me, when I asked you to stay? Why didn’t you listen to what I wanted when I begged you not to leave me?”

“It was about you! It’s always been about you!” Castiel was shouting now too. “I won’t let Israfil win! I won’t let Michael and Lucifer kill you and your brother!”

“Fuck you, Cas! I can take care of myself! You don’t have to fight my battles! Don’t make it about me, when all you wanted is to get back and be a good little soldier!”

“All I wanted?” Cas laughed bitterly. “All I ever wanted was you! From the very first moment you taught me how to want it was always you! When you wouldn’t even look at me, I wanted you! When you asked me to pretend there was nothing happening, I wanted you! When you kissed and had sex with the parade of women, I wanted you!”

“And did you want me when you left me? Did you want me when I asked you to choose between me and your war and you chose the war?”

“This wasn’t about wanting! This was about doing all I can to protect you and the rest of my family!” Castiel felt his hands shake slightly. He took a deep breath trying to compose himself. “Dean, why are we even talking about this? You asked me to choose and I did. I knew the consequences and I have to live with them every single day. You knew the consequences too and you got your share of consequences. It’s done now. You need to move on and it will all be alright. You’re human and humans go through the end of whatever it was we had every single day.”

“Did you move on? Is it over for you?” Dean asked looking at his eyes searchingly.

“No.” He said simply.

“No.” Dean nodded still looking at his eyes. “You know, I knew Jimmy wasn’t you even before he said a single word.”

“You did?” Cas asked silently. He didn’t break the gaze.

“Yes, I did. He looked all wrong. And he didn’t look at me the way you do.”

“How is it I look at you?”

“You look at me as if you want me. He didn’t. I hated the absence of that look in his eyes.”

“What are you doing, Dean?” Castiel asked, but he still didn’t break the gaze.

“And when you came, I knew it was you. Not from the flash of light, but from this very look in your eyes. One fucking look and I’m gone. This look makes my mouth go dry and my hands itch with the need to touch you. This look I’ve been dreaming of every single night since you left. This look makes me want to rip your clothes off and kiss you and fuck you until you come screaming my name.”

“Dean…” Cas almost moaned his name and without realizing what he was doing, he bit his lower lip.

“Fuck Cas, don’t bite your lip. If I touch you now, I will stop at nothing.” He groaned and Castiel released his lip. It was red and full and it took all Dean had not to jump him.

“He looks like you, but he’s not you.” Dean continued. “I resented his every word and every move because he wasn’t you. And I sure as hell didn’t want him. And then you come and from the first look you give me all I want is to grab you and kiss you and never let go. You look at me and I don’t care about the days and weeks I spent worrying about you. You look at me and I want to hold you and tell you it’s all going to be ok now, because you look like you need this. You look at me and I’m pissed at you because it’s been so long since you looked at me this way. And most of all I want you to look at me this way all the fucking time. So ask me Castiel.”

“What?” Castiel’s gaze shifted to the hunters lips and he could no longer concentrate or form a proper thought.

“Look at me.” He ordered and the angel’s head snapped back up to his green and commanding eyes. “Ask me.”

Castiel looked at him in confusion for a moment longer, but then he realized what he meant.

“What do you want, Dean?” He asked finally.

And finally Dean moved to him, seizing the back of his neck and pulling him inches from his lips.

“I want you.” He closed the gap between their lips.

And it was all it took. Castiel moaned loudly as Dean sucked in his bottom lip and his hands clutched at him desperately, pressing them hard against each other. Dean deepened the kiss, their tongues clashing, tasting, remembering each other.

“Dean…” Castiel moaned as the hunter trailed his kisses down his neck, nipping at him, biting him.

“Do you like this?” He asked and then slid his tongue back up Castiel neck. The angel nodded, words failing him.

“Speak to me Cas. Do you like this?” Dean repeated between kisses and sucking on the angel’s flesh.

“I like… Argh, I like it…” He whispered trying to stay coherent. The feeling of Dean all over him overwhelmed him.

“Good… You’re gonna love what I’ll do to you and you’re gonna tell me just how much you love it.” He kissed him on the mouth again. “Now raise your hands.”

Castiel raised his hands and Dean pulled off the sweater that felt all wrong to Cas. Jimmy’s choice of clothes was incomprehensive to him – what was wrong with a suit and a coat?

“Stay with me, Cas.” Dean ordered and then sucked on his bottom lip again. “I want your full attention.”

Dean pulled off Cas’ T-shirt and frowned a little at the scar that was running down his stomach. It was new and all wrong.

“You’ve changed.” He accused.

“No, Jimmy has changed. He got into an accident.” Cas explained looking at Dean’s eyes.

“That idiot should take better care of your body.” He growled and then traced his kisses down the scar getting another moan from Castiel.

Dean unbuckled Cas’ belt and pulled down his jeans. He took a step back to look at him, but Cas groaned with the loss of contact and in a heartbeat Dean was back, holding him closely in his arms, kissing him and caressing him.

“I want to see you too.” Castiel gasped between kisses and Dean shrugged out of his shirt and pulled off his T-shirt at once.

“Like that?” He asked, but the angel shook his head.

“All of you.”

“Good.” He whispered in a husky voice and then pulled the angel towards his room. “There, my room.”

He led him to his bed and pushed him onto it. Then he unbuckled his own belt and pulled off his jeans along with his boxers. Castiel stared fixedly at his cock – big and full and hard. Dean leaned in and pulled Cas’ boxers off. He smiled to himself – he was a bit afraid of this part – what if he saw another man naked and didn’t want him anymore? Now he understood how stupid he’d been. Looking at Cas he realized he was all he had ever forbidden himself from wanting.

Dean slid between Cas’ legs and started kissing him again, trailing his kisses down from the angel’s neck, to his chest. He sucked forcefully on his left nipple, rubbing the right one. Castiel’s body arched slightly at that making Dean do that again.

“You like that?” He asked licking his nipple.

“Yes, yes...” The angel nodded and Dean smiled to himself. He trailed his kisses down to angel’s stomach, but his fingers continued playing with his nipples – pinching them and rolling them. Castiel writhed underneath him and Dean relished in his pleasure. Before releasing his nipples, Dean once again sucked on the left one forcefully and finally bit it pulling it slightly. He knew it must have hurt a little, but Castiel’s cry was not one of pain, it was of pleasure and Dean loved it.

“So loud, so responsive.” He mumbled to himself and then circled Cas’ belly button with his tongue. “I could get used to that…”

Suddenly, he took Cas’ cock firmly in his hand and sucked on its head tasting him for the first time. Castiel’s body arched once again and his hips bucked uncontrollably. Dean circled the head of the cock with his tongue slowly, almost lazily, but Castiel’s body reacted with as much force.

“Get yourself under control, Cas.” He whispered and licked him again. And again Cas’ hips bucked against his will.

“I can’t…” He moaned.

“Yes, you can. Get yourself under control or I’ll stop.” And again he licked him and sucked at him. It was an empty threat, there was nothing that could make him stop now, but Cas didn’t know that and Dean enjoyed controlling him the way he did. Cas’ hips still bucked, but this time he got hold of himself a little trying to control the emotions running through him.

“Good, I like it when you obey.” And now he opened his mouth and sucked in Castiel’s cock almost to the base of it. He felt full and it was good. He sucked on it holding Cas’ hips firmly in place. Castiel moaned loudly and almost desperately. There was no way he could hold on for long.

“Dean…” He pleaded. “Please, Dean…”

“Not yet, Cas.” Dean whispered as he released Cas’ cock and the angel whimpered. “Soon, hold on for me a little longer.”

And again he sucked on him forcefully, coming to a rhythm and holding Cas’ hips firmly in place.

“Dean!” He moaned loudly now. “Dean, I can’t!”

But this time Dean didn’t stop. His look was enough for Cas to understand he had to hold on and he did all he could to obey as Dean pumped and sucked him giving him both pleasure and torture Cas had never experienced. Finally, as Cas was about to let go, Dean released him once again and Cas whimpered again.

“Now Cas.” Dean growled. “I want you to come. Don’t hold out on me, you hear me? I want you to come for me with all you have.”

Castiel moaned again as Dean’s mouth returned on him. He tried to hold on, but he couldn’t carry on for the life of him and so he came for the first time in his life shouting Dean’s name. In that instant the room went bright as day and his hips bucked again and again until finally he collapsed on the bed shaking and shivering and it all went dark again. And then Dean was holding him in his arms, stroking his hair and soothing him.

“It’s alright, Cas.” He whispered, kissing his cheeks and his eyes. “It’s ok. I know it’s a lot, but I wanted you to really feel it.”

“I never… I never even thought it was possible… How can you stop from doing this all the time? Is it always like that?”

“Well, no, not really.” He looked at him curiously. “No one has ever gone all supernova on me as they came. It’s an angel thing. And also – I have never come without even being touched.”

“You mean you came too? But I don’t understand… It’s not supposed to work like that, is it?”

“No, not with humans anyway. I think your, I don’t know – bliss maybe? I think it pushed me over the edge too.”

“Was it this good for you too?” He asked smiling sheepishly.

“It was… Fuck it, it was amazing!” He laughed and kissed him full on the mouth. Castiel could taste the last bits of himself on his tongue and this was alright.

It was amazing.


	8. Long distance

“I have to go back.”

“The fuck you do! You want to go back.” Dean growled silently. It’s only been three days since Cas came back and now the idiot wanted to leave him again, to go back to his fucking war and who knew how long he’d be gone!

“Please don’t start this again. Haven’t I shown you again and again that all I want is you?” Cas smiled remembering just how pleasantly they had shown how much they wanted each other over last couple of nights. As soon as Sam went to sleep, Cas would mojo them somewhere, where they could be alone and where no one could possibly hear them.

“Then stay.”

“You’re being childish. I have to go back. They need me there.”

“Great, and I need you here.”

“I’ll come back. You know I will. Nothing could keep me away from you now.”

“Except you, that is.”

“Dean… I have to go back.”

“I fucking know, alright?” He muttered and locked his arms around Cas. They were lying on his trench coat on the ground in the middle of nowhere. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it!”

“No, but you have to let me go.”

“I don’t want to… Fuck Cas, what if he gets you? What if somebody else does? I can’t lose you again!”

“You won’t. I’ll come back, I promise.”

“Fuck it. You’ll go anyway, it doesn’t matter what I say.”

“I want you to let me go. I need to know you accept it.”

“Why?”

“Because, believe it or not, I hate it when you’re angry with me.”

“I’m not angry with you, I’m just angry. I don’t want you to go.”

“I’d much rather stay with you too.” Castiel agreed seriously, but with a cheeky glint in his eyes. “There’s nothing I like more than obeying you, Dean. It brings me such pleasure.”

“Damn it Cas, you should’ve told me that two years ago, I’d have had you there and then!” He laughed.

“No, you wouldn’t have. You liked lying to yourself back then.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He kissed him. “But I bet it wouldn’t have taken me two years anyway.”

“I bet it wouldn’t have. But then again – back then we had apocalypse on our hands; we would have probably still focused on that.”

“I don’t know, I think I might have liked some distraction.”

“We have war now and there’s nothing I like more than this distraction.”

Dean smiled to himself lazily. Yes, there was nothing he liked more than this feeling of having his angel in his arms. This raised the other question and Dean frowned slightly: “When will you come back?”

“We’ve been through this. I don’t know. I have to find Balthazar.”

“That’s not good enough Cas. I need to know when I’ll see you or I’ll go mad.”

“I can’t simply get away from the battle any time I choose.”

“Fine, then make a plan. I want to see you every three days so I know you’re ok.”

“I can’t come every three days.”

“You can come every thirty minutes or even more often than that as far as I have noticed.” He teased, but got serious once again as Cas rolled his eyes.

“I want you to come to me every three days. It’s long enough. Just appear to show me you’re ok and go away again if you can’t stay, but please come to me.”

“Once a week.”

“I want you to come every three days, Castiel.”

“Fine. I’ll come every three days.” He sighed finally. “You’re very hard to deal with.”

“That’s ok then don’t deal with me. All you have to do is do what I want.”

Castiel laughed.

“You say this as if I don’t do it already.”

“You argue. And you keep leaving me. I hate that.”

“I also keep coming back.”

“I knew I liked you for a reason!”

“Dean?” Angel muttered hesitantly, unsure if he really wanted to ask the question. Or rather, unsure if he really wanted to hear the answer.

“Yes?”

“When I’m away… Will you… I mean…”

“Just spill it Cas.”

“You won’t go back to having sex with women, will you?”

“Why? Would you mind?”

“Yes. I don’t want anyone touching you. Do you want others touching you?”

“How’d you think?”

“I don’t know. I thought you wouldn’t the last time I left, but all you did was… you know… And I thought you wouldn’t both times we were at a bar, but you know what happened…”

“Hey, now! Both times we were at a bar you got yourself a girl!”

“Yes and whose fault was that?”

“Fine.” He growled. “You’re an idiot anyway.”

“You’re confusing me again. Can you just answer so I know what to expect?”

“That’s my answer Cas – you’re an idiot! How could you think I’d want to go back to simple human sex after all the things we did?”

“Well human sex turned out to be really exciting for me…”

“Yeah, but that’s because you’re in it, you fool. You know, it’s me who should be worried about you fooling around – you’re capable of doing that!”

“I? You’re insane. All I do is respond and obey. It’s all you…”

“You’re an idiot.” He repeated. “And it’s beside the point. I don’t want anyone else. Don’t you remember?”

“You want me.” Cas cited seriously and then smiled.

“Yes, you fool. I want you.”

“Good. I don’t want anyone touching you. And I don’t want you to touch anyone too. You have me now.”

“Yeah, except you’re leaving me again.”

“No, I’ll come back.”

“Right, right. Every three days, Cas, I’m warning you.”

“You do realize I’m not frightened by you?”

“Really? I have other ways to make you pay for breaking the rules. Ways that involve you begging for relief and me refusing, remember?”

“You can be cruel man, Dean Winchester.”

“You have no idea, Cas, and for your own good, I hope you never will. So every three days.”

“Alright. Once every three days, I promise.”

“When will you go?”

“This morning. I’ll bring you home and I’ll go.”

“Mmm… Then I think we’ve got something to do, before you go, don’t we?” He growled and rolled over on the top of him grinning mischievously. “Perhaps I should give you a taste of what you can expect if you’re late?”

 

 

“Dean, I want to talk to you.” Sam said one night. They had just finished the case and were resting in the motel room before the long drive back home tomorrow.

“About what?”

“About Cas.”

“What about him?”

“Couple of things really. Do you know when he’ll show up next time?”

“Yeah, he’ll be here tomorrow.”

“How’d you know?”

“He promised to show his face every three days. He hasn’t missed his time once in the last two months.”

“The last time I saw him was three weeks ago.”

“Yeah, he’s usually in a hurry. He shows up and leaves in two minutes.” Dean couldn’t help the bitterness in his voice. This was fucking true – he’d show up but he was almost always in a hurry. In the last three weeks not once did he have time for anything more than a quick, but intense kiss.

“Yeah, but why does he come then?”

“So that we know he’s ok.”

“You mean so that you know he’s ok, right? Because he never shows up to me.”

“Fine, so that I know he’s ok.”

“And why do you have to know he’s ok that often?”

Dean looked at him curiously.

“What do you want to know Sammy? Why don’t you just cut the crap and ask me what you want to know.”

“Ok, then… What is it between you two? What are you up to?”

Dean laughed out loud at that.

“We’re not up to anything, you dumbass.”

“I don’t understand – you cling to him! You’re always on the edge before he shows up and then after I assume he does, you’re in better mood. It’s like… I don’t know! It’s like you’re in love with him or something!”

Dean considered for a second. He could tell him. Hell, he even wanted to tell him, but… He shook his head.

“Cas is family. I want to know he’s ok.”

“And that’s all there is?”

“If you’re asking if I’m in love with him, then the answer is no, you idiot.”

But of course that was the moment Castiel showed up. He looked at Dean for a second as if trying to read him and then turned to Sam.

“Sam, angels don’t fall in love with people. We’re celestial beings and we accept love differently. Love is part of me, but not in the sense you mean. It’s not romantic – it’s ever-present. I love you and Dean, but I also love Israfil. I don’t get to choose whom to love, I just do.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to… I don’t know, it’s just strange the way you two sort of… I’ve just never seen Dean act this way – it’s weird. So I thought maybe… But of course not, Dean and all his women. I’m sorry, you two.”

“It’s ok. I’m not offended. I think maybe Dean is – he’s does seem to cling to his masculinity.”

Sam laughed and Dean growled at that.

“Oh shut up you two! How are you Cas? All good?”

“The usual. I did come to tell you I’m leaving for a longer while. I’ll come back in a week, there’s something I need to do.”

Dean glared at him and Cas was glad Sam was right there and he couldn’t say anything.

“It’s ok, Cas. It must be difficult to keep going back and forth all the time.”

“You see?” He asked Dean. “Your brother is reasonable.”

“My brother is a moron!” He shot back.

“Hey!”

“Shut up Sammy. When do you leave?”

“Now…”

And again Dean glared at him, but couldn’t say anything.

“Fine.” He finally said. “Be safe.”

“I will be, don’t worry. Goodbye, Sam, Dean.”

“Good luck, Cas.” Sam smiled and turned to go to the kitchen. And just like that, before he left, Cas gave Dean a quick and sweet kiss.

 

A week later Dean was already getting desperate. He missed Cas more than he thought possible, but he was also worried sick. What was he doing? Why couldn’t he return for the whole week?

“You better come back to me tonight Cas.” He mumbled. Dean thought of an excuse to go out so that if Cas came, he’d have him for himself. He told Sam and Bobby he was going fishing and refused to take them with him, saying he wanted some time alone. It was kind of crowded at Bobby’s with all three of them.

He built a tent in the woods, made a fire and sat at the entrance of his tent. He didn’t really want fishing. He was too tense for that – fishing was for relaxing, not for waiting. So he just sat there waiting. Just before midnight, he heard him.

“Finally…” He growled. “What took you so long?”

Castiel came to him slowly and when he finally reached the light of the fire, Dean saw blood on his coat. He jumped up and pulled him closer to the fire to look at him.

“What happened to you? Are you alright?”

“I’m ok Dean. It’s all ok, I just… I escaped, that’s all that matters.”

“He found you? That son of the bitch found you?”

“Well, technically, I found him. It wasn’t Israfil, it was Balthazar. Well, not really Balthazar, just one of the weapons. It’s ok now. I found him and he’ll help us.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying we have the weapons of the Heaven on our side now!” Castiel said jubilantly.

“But are you ok? You’re hurt?”

“No, it’s just… Traces. It’s all good now.”

That was all Dean needed. He pulled him into careful hug, listening for any traces of pain, but Cas simply hugged him back.

“I’ve missed you…” Castiel whispered in his ear.

“I missed you too.” Dean whispered back and kissed his neck lightly before pulling him to the tent. “Come here.”

They sat in front each other in the tent and Dean looked at the angel’s face intently.

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long, Cas.”

“I came as soon as I could.”

“Seven days, not three.”

“I told you. I had to go.”

“I know.” He paused for a second. “Take off your clothes Cas.”

“Dean… I don’t have…”

“Don’t you dare tell me you don’t have time!” Dean cut across. “It’s been over a month since I had you for longer than a minute, so don’t you fucking dare tell me you’ve got to go! It’ll wait!”

Castiel looked at him for a moment longer but then nodded.

“Good. Now take off your clothes.”

Again Castiel nodded and starting taking his clothes off. Dean watched him until there was only his T-shirt and his boxers left and then started taking his clothes off too. Immediately Cas’ eyes were fixed on him and he licked his lips and then bit on his bottom one. Dean growled, muttered, “Fuck it, it’s been too long for that…” and lunged at him, kissing him, sucking at him, biting him. He wanted to control this need, but this was a lost battle. He had lost his ability to think and was running on pure instinct. It wasn’t long before they were both panting and moaning and shouting each other’s name as the warm twilight of the tent was replaced by the blazing light.

 

 

Castiel was lying on his back, leaning against the pillow as Dean lied peacefully between his legs, his back to Cas’ stomach. Cas fingers played with the hunters hair as he felt him relax and calm down.

“Cas, I was thinking the other day.” He started.

“Good for you, Dean. I heard it’s good for your mental health.” Castiel deadpanned.

“Very funny. Anyway, I was thinking – if I died, I’d go to Heaven, right? I mean I had done enough to get a place there?”

“Yes, I suppose you would go to Heaven.” Cas replied.

“So then – we could be together, right? Hypothetically speaking.”

“You can’t think like that Dean.”

“Why?”

“Because if you died, I’d lose you for good.”

“I don’t understand. You’re always up there. And I would be there. Why would you lose me?”

“Because Heaven is not… Well it’s not really a place.”

“What do you mean? I was in Heaven once, remember?  You found me and it sure looked like a place to me. All twilight zone, granted, but what would I care?”

“That’s exactly it. You wouldn’t, but I would lose you.”

“Ok, use more words. I don’t get it.”

“Well… People and angels experience heaven differently. For you it’s a place of all your dearest wishes. For me – it’s a place of my servitude to my father.”

“Well, I get that. But you get off from your feathery duties from time to time – you could come to me there.”

“Again, you fail to grasp it. Look, if you died, you’d still want me around, right?”

“You’ve got that right.”

“Good. So if you died and you want me around I’d be with you. You wouldn’t lose me, because I would be what you want.”

“You’re kind of making my point here, Sherlock.”

“What’s Sherlock?”

“Never mind. You were saying?”

“Let me put it this way – around 1970’ almost any American women to die relatively young would want a singer Elvis something in her Heaven. But he was actually still alive at that time and also he was just one man. If Heavens was a place, they all couldn’t have him. Yet they all did.”

“So what – they dreamed him up, or something?”

“Well, yes and no. Heaven is layers you see, each of them designed to please the person living in it. So if you died and you wanted me with you, I’d be with you. Except for me – you’d be lost forever.”

“Then you wouldn’t be with me. Some kind of a phantom Cas would be, not you.”

“That’s not entirely true. For you, I’d be real. Heaven is perfect, don’t forget that. For you – I’d be me.”

“That’s not good enough, Cas. I’d always want the real you.”

“Yes, and you would have the real me. Heaven is not a fair with trick mirrors – for you I would be as real as I am now.”

“It sucks.”

“Does it? I would be comforted by knowing I couldn’t lose you even if I died.”

“Yeah, I would be too, but that’s a load of bull. You are you and I want you, not the ‘real you for me’ crap.”

“Well, if I died, I wouldn’t even have ‘real you for me’ version. There’s no Heaven for dead angels.”

“You can’t possibly know that.”

“Yes, I can. Angels were created to serve eternally. We were not created to die and so the afterlife for angels would be somewhat… superfluous. What’s happening for the last couple of years is unheard of. We’re decimated. And yet, not one of my brothers suddenly returned to Heaven.”

“I don’t want to speak about that anymore. You can’t die, Cas. I can’t lose you.”

“I know, I won’t. There’s one more thing. I know you don’t like to hear it, but I really want to tell you this.”

“What is it?” He asked suspiciously.

“It’s about the feelings I have for you.”

Dean flinched but then turned to kiss an angel.

 “Cas, it’s not that I don’t want to hear it... It’s just that I’m not good at that, you know? And back then I was pissed and desperate for you not to leave me. And now… I don’t want to speak of feelings and then let you go to the war. Why don’t we postpone this touchy feely crap until the war’s done and I can have you for good?”

Cas frowned and tilted his head confusedly.

“You are such a confusing human being, Dean…” He muttered. “But I suppose you’re right, we’ll have time for those things later.”

“Cas, I do want to ask you something.”

“Sure.”

“Remember when you told Sammy angels don’t fall in love?”

“Yes. I thought you wanted me to tell him that.”

“Well… I don’t know.  I kind of did, but I also wanted to tell him the truth. I don’t like lying to him.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because… I don’t want to share this with anyone. I’m actually happy Cas and it scares me shitless. Happiness doesn’t last, you know…”

“It will. I’ll do everything I can for you to be happy.”

“I know you will. Anyway, about that thing you said to Sammy – you know where angels don’t fall in love. Was that true?”

“It used to be. I have never met anyone who would have fallen in love with a human. I have never loved human before. I don’t know… I thought that maybe falling and becoming closer to humans changed me enough to be capable of this feeling, but… Well maybe I was always capable of it? Maybe this is why my brothers and sisters had fallen before? Maybe that’s what behind the free will – the ability to love?”

“Or the ability to have amazing sex!” Dean laughed to lighten the mood a little. “Speaking about sex – do you realize it’s been a month since we last had sex?”

“No it hasn’t.” Cas shook his head. “It’s been fourteen minutes.”

“Cas!” Dean rolled his eyes. “Before this time.”

“Oh. Yes, it did seem a long time, didn’t it?”

“It was an eternity!” Dean growled. “I don’t like it. I was never good with long distance kind of things and seriously – I want to have you much more than once a month.”

“I think you will. We’re winning now. The war shouldn’t last too long.”

“Yeah, yeah. But in the mean time, before your freakin’ war’s over we have to think of something. I miss you like crazy! And I really, really need to get laid…”

“How about we do it now?” Cas grinned.

“Don’t tempt me, angel. I’m serious – you have to come to me for a longer time.”

“I know. I want to, really. But I’m usually in the middle of the battle or I’m going to it or I’m searching for Balthazar and if I leave, I leave my brothers behind to fight my battles.”

“Ok, ok, but still – once a month!”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Fine.” He growled again.

“So how about now?” Cas asked again and Dean rolled over onto him.

“Now is perfect.”

 

 “Dean, I want you to have this.” Castiel was late for their usual meeting and so Dean had spent last night showing him what happens when he disobeys. All things considered, they were probably lucky they were in the middle of nowhere, because Dean sure as hell didn’t want to share the moans and the pleading of his angel with anyone else. Nor would he ever want to share the actual scream when he finally let the angel come. Or the light show. Or his own startled whimper when his orgasm was wrought out of him by Castiel’s bliss alone. These things were his and Cas’ alone and Dean would do anything to keep them. Now, however, they were fully dressed and ready to go. Dean looked at what the angel was holding and raised his eyebrow questioningly.

“The final battle is close. I can’t have it on me, in case… Well in case something goes wrong. So I want you to have it.”

“Khamsa you said it was?”

“Yes, it’s the last thing Israfil needs to unseal the cage. I wouldn’t be giving this to you if there was any other way, but all of the angels will join the final battle and I can’t have it there.”

“What can go wrong Cas?” The hunter asked silently.

“Nothing will go wrong, I’m just being careful.”

“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?”

“I wouldn’t.” Castiel shook his head and hung khamsa on Dean’s neck. “If… I have to say this, but don’t be worried ok? If I don’t come back, you have to destroy it. It won’t be easy, you’ll have to find a demon to do that, but it has to be done or Israfil will restart the apocalypse.”

“Cas, I don’t want you to go.” Dean said firmly.

“I know you don’t, but you know I have to.”

“You’ve done enough. Leave it to them.”

“No. I have to go. I have to end this.”

“Fuck you, Cas. You and your duties!”

“Dean, please, don’t do this now. I need you on my side now.”

Instead of answering Dean pulled him into a desperate kiss.

“I’m on your side, you idiot. I just… Fuck it, just be safe.”

“Now, now, this indeed is touching!” The voice drawled behind Dean and he spun around to see who that was. Cas usually took them to really remote areas or, on some memorable occasions, nice hotels, but not once have they met anyone.

“Balthazar.” Cas said calmly.

“So he’s the one you keep sneaking out to?” The angel gave Dean a once over and frowned. “I have to admit he’s easy on the eyes, but Cassie, he’s just a human! A mud monkey!”

“Hey, now!” Dean growled.

“Balthazar, is there a reason for you to be here?”

“Ah, you know me, I was curious. I heard a rumor, back up there, that while I was gone someone snatched my Cassie.”

“Your?” Dean hissed. “In your dreams, sleazebag! Cas is not yours!”

“Charming.” Balthazar sneered at Dean and then looked back at Castiel. “This is what you’ve chosen? After all the nice lads and lasses I gave you to choose from? You choose a brute?”

“Balt, this is enough.” Castiel glowered.

“Choose from? What the hell is he talking about?” Dean turned to Cas.

“Balthazar has always been displeased by my choice not to fornicate with humans and had done unimaginable things to make me change my mind. He was unsuccessful and I think he is now somewhat… pissed I chose you on my own.” Castiel said and turned to the other angel. “You have to stop it right now, Balthazar, or I will stop it. Don’t make a mistake in thinking I will allow you to hurt Dean in any way.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes and threw his hands in the air exasperatedly.

“Fine, fine! Be it your way – you play with your boy toy as long as you want. We both know you will come to me in the end.” He winked at Cas and Dean could’ve sworn he’d seen red at that.

“You keep your filthy paws away from him, you hear me!” He yelled shaking with rage. “If you so much as touch him, it’ll be the last thing you do!”

“Ah, feisty!” The angel laughed. “And here I thought you’d like the submissive type better, after all, aren’t you leading the war? Oh well, I don’t mind dominating every once in a while.”

“It’s enough. Balthazar.” Castiel said firmly before Dean could launch at the other angel. “I have no idea why you feel you have to aggravate Dean, but both you and I know I see a brother in you and that will never change. So now, if your pissing contest is over, why don’t you tell me why you’re here?”

“You’re no fun, Cassie.” The angel whined. “I was hoping his head would explode…  Anyway, you are right – Samandriel called for you. Israfil’s army got into position – it won’t be long now. We have to go.”

“Alright.” The angel nodded solemnly and turned to the hunter. “Dean… I’ll try to come back as usual, but if the battle starts I might not be able to. Just don’t… Don’t worry, alright?”

Dean shot Balthazar one last deathly glare and then turned to focus his attention on Castiel.

“Cas, you be careful ok? And I hope you have someone better to have your back, because this asshat is a moron.”

Castiel smiled at him and kissed him, ignoring the pointed snorting of his brother.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be alright. I…” He shook his head and kissed the hunter once again. “I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

“Yeah, ok. Be safe and… Well, you know. I’ll be waiting.”

“Yes, yes, it’s all very touching, but we do need to go, Cassie!”

“You shut your cakehole!” Dean hissed at Balthazar and then turned to kiss Castiel fully ant thoroughly, leaving them both breathless. “Come back to me.”

 

 

_One week later_

“Where the hell is he?” Dean hissed.

“Calm down, I’m sure he’s fine. It’s the final battle after all – he’ll be here soon.” Sam answered trying to hide he was worried as well.

 

 

_Two weeks later_

“Seriously, I’m getting insane here – where the fuck is he?”

“I don’t know, maybe something went wrong with the weapons and it’s taking more time?”

 

 

_Three weeks later_

“Shut the fuck up Sammy! I don’t care what you think! All I want to know is where the hell is he?!”

 

 

_Four weeks later_

“I can’t do it anymore… Where are you Cas? Please, please come back…”

 

 

_Five weeks later_

“I have to find him.”

“Dean, I think he might be…”

“Shut up Sam!” Dean hissed. “I have to find him. Something happened and he can’t come down here. What can we do?”

“Listen… it’s been a long time… He must’ve…”

“Sam I swear to God if you don’t shut the fuck up I’ll beat the crap out of you!”

“Fine… How about we try calling Samandriel? Maybe he knows something?”

“That’s a fucking good idea! Why haven’t I thought about it?”

“Because you can’t think clearly…”

“Shut up.” He hissed at his brother again. “Samandriel! Get you feathery ass down here! Samandriel!”

Suddenly a young man appeared in the middle of their motel room.

“You must be Dean?” He asked pleasantly. “And you’re Sam?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Dean rushed on. “Where’s Cas?”

“I knew Castiel was partial to you two…”

“What do you mean was? Where is he?”

“Castiel… He’s gone.”

“No! No, no, no! What do you mean gone? Gone where? What happened to him?” Dean was starting to shake slightly. He felt as if Samandriel had thrown a bucket full of icy water on him.

“After a battle I tried to find him. First I thought he came down here to celebrate, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. So I searched the Heaven and I couldn’t find him there too… No one has seen Castiel since the end of the battle four weeks ago.”

“Four weeks ago?! He’s been missing for four weeks?! Why the hell haven’t you told me?” He was furious now. Cas might be in real trouble now. It’s been four weeks!

Samandriel looked at him curiously.

“Why would I tell you? You’re a human being. You have no business in celestial matters.”

“Cas is my family!”

“No, he’s an angel. He’s my brother.”

“Fuck you! You’d never understand!” Dean growled. “So what’s happening now? Is someone looking for Cas?”

“I have looked everywhere. Castiel is gone.”

“If you haven’t found him, you haven’t looked everywhere. I will look for him. Take me to Heaven.”

“No.”

“What do you mean no?!”

“I mean Castiel is dead. There’s no reason to look for him anymore. If he was alive, I would have found him.”

“No! He’s not dead, you hear me, you stupid son of the bitch!”

“Dean, calm down…” Sam tried to sooth him.

“I won’t calm down! This idiot has stopped looking for Cas! He might be hurt! He might be in trouble! You’ve got to find him! And if you don’t want to look for him – bring me up there, I will!”

“You think you could find him when I, his brother, didn’t? Who do you think you are?”

“I’m a fucking human, but at least I will do everything that’s possible to find him!”

“And you think I didn’t? Castiel was my greatest warrior, my friend and my brother… I did everything I could to find him. If he was alive, I would have found him!”

“No! No, no! He’s not dead! He can’t be dead! He can’t be dead!”

Sam came to Dean then and hugged him tightly. Dean started struggling, trying to get free again, but Sam just stood there and held him.

“I’m sorry Dean, I’m so sorry…” He whispered brokenly. “I’m so sorry…”

Samandriel looked at them for a moment longer.

“You are right, he was your family too. I’m sorry; I wish he had survived the battle…” The angel said solemnly, watching tears streak unbidden down the hunter's face. He secretly wished he could also shed the tears for the loss he felt in his entire being. "Castiel cared deeply about you; I hope it will give you comfort to know he died for the cause he believed in."

"Get the fuck out!" Dean yelled through sobs shaking his body and Samandriel did just that leaving the hunter to his grief.

 

 


	9. New life

_Two years later_

He stood silently watching a beautiful little house in a good suburban neighborhood. It was picture perfect – white with dark brown roof, big windows, white picket fence and nice back yard. There was a bike standing in the driveway and the hoop for basketball above the garage. There were also more toys scattered everywhere.  It was evening, so no one was actually playing with them as the family was already inside getting ready for dinner.

He watched them motionless, silent. He heard the woman tell the boy who was around twelve to go wash his hands and he whined that he already did that. She then said that after he washed his hands he helped with the car in the garage so now he had to wash them again. The boy complained saying he barely touched anything, but then the man came into the room and after giving a quick kiss to the woman told the boy to listen to his mother and go wash his hands. The boy whined some more, but then went to do as he was told.

As soon as he left, the man grabbed the woman and kissed her full on the mouth. They both laughed once he had released her and she told him to go wash up as well. The man made a face at the woman, but she threatened to hit him with the spatula and so he went to the bathroom too.

He stood motionless still. He had seen what he had to see, but this has rendered him powerless. He thought idly that if he took a single step he’d crumble. He endured almost two years of torture and didn’t waiver, but this idyllic picture was the end of him. His knees buckled and he sat on the ground. He wrapped his arms around his knees and started rocking back and forth like a child trying to get hold of himself, clinging to his sanity. In two years despite of constant pain he had never cried. He screamed when he could no longer take it, but tears had never come. Now… This happy, peaceful family had hurt him more than the torturous, murderous being was ever capable of doing. It hurt him beyond repair and against his will or reason, the tears had finally come. He cried silently for all the pain he’d been through, for all the hopes he’d lost, for all the love he had in him that was destined to die. He cried soundlessly, alone and lonely more than anything else. There was no drama, no grand gestures, no sobbing – just silent tears for the part of his being that was now lost.

 Suddenly, he rolled his sleeve up and stared at his arm. Every inch of his skin was covered in scars and as he looked at them he started to calm down. This was real. He was sane. This was just another torture and just like before, he was strong enough.

Finally, he pulled himself together and wiped away the remaining tears. He was used to pain by now. He would survive; he knew what had to be done. He just had to make sure it was really over. He had to make sure it wouldn’t start again. He stood up and with the blink of an eye he was gone.

 

 

“Sam.” He said silently, trying not to startle him. He remembered that appearing in the room with a human usually alarmed them.

Sam jumped anyway and whirled around to look at him, his eyes wide in shock and disbelief.

“Cas? Cas, is that really you?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

“Oh my God, Cas!” The hunter roared and then grabbed him and hugged him tightly. “We thought you were dead! You’re alive! You’re actually alive!”

Castiel stiffened in his arms momentarily, but finally hugged Sam back. It was strange to be touched without inflicting pain. Logically he understood it should be comforting, but instead his vessel, well body by this point, given that he was the only one using it, was poised for pain. He made his body remain still.

“Yes, I’m actually alive.”

Sam felt the rigidity of Castiel’s posture as he held him, so he moved back a little.

“Where have you been? What happened to you?”

Castiel flinched slightly at that.

“Israfil. I was captured. I made a mistake and he got me.”

“You mean all this time you were with him?”

“Yes. His personal, celestial chew toy…” He smiled bitterly.

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry, Cas… We tried looking for you, but Samandriel said you were dead and finally we… Oh shit Cas! I’m so sorry we’ve given up on you!”

“Don’t be Sam. It’s not your fault. Samandriel had reasons to believe I was dead. Israfil was well prepared. He had a storage room that was fully warded against angels. He dragged me into it and his human… friend maybe, or ally… sealed it shut with both of us inside. There was no way Samandriel could have known.”

“But why? What did he want from you?”

“He wanted to get the khamsa so he could unseal the grave of Michael and Lucifer. He knew he’d lost the war and that was the only option he had left. He knew I had it so instead of fighting the final battle, he did all he could to get me. He succeeded. And then for two years to come he tried to get its location from me. In that he failed… And that’s exactly why I’m here too. Before I left for the battle, I gave the khamsa to Dean and asked to destroy it if I wouldn’t come back. I need to know - did he destroy it?”

“He tortured you for two years and you didn’t tell him where it was?” Sam asked incredulously.

“I gave it to Dean.” Cas replied simply as if it explained everything. To him it actually did.

“Cas… Dean told me.”

“What?”

“When Samandriel told us you died, he told me about you two.”

“What did he tell you?” This was a dangerous topic to talk about and it hurt already, but Cas couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“He told me he and you were… involved. Oh, shit, he told me he was in love with you.”

“No.” Castiel shook his head firmly. The air seemed thicker now as if he tried to breathe under water. “No, he wasn’t in love with me. He just… He just wanted me.”

“Cas…”

“Please Sam, don’t do this. It’s not helping me. Just tell me – did he destroy it?”

“Yes.”

Castiel sighed with relief.

“Good… Then it’s really over.”

“Will you go see him?” Sam asked suddenly.

“I already saw him.”

“You did? What did he say? Is he ok?”

“He didn’t say anything, he didn’t see me. He did seem ok. Happy. Is he happy?”

“Are you going to show yourself to him?” Sam asked cautiously instead.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because he seemed happy. Is he happy Sam?” He repeated the question.

“I don’t know. After you disappeared he lost it. He threw everything away – he stopped seeing his friends, Bobby, even me. It took him a year to start doing something again. He found Meg and destroyed the khamsa and then he said he was done with the hunt and everything. He went on trying to live a normal life. And then eight months ago he ran into Lisa and… Well, you’ve seen it. He seems better now, much better.”

Castiel closed his eyes trying to hide the pain Sam’s words caused him.

“And that’s why I won’t let him know I’m alive. And you won’t either.”

“But why?”

“Because it’s kind. Because I want him to be happy. Because it won’t change anything – it’ll just make him feel bad and that’s all.”

“He will kill me if I don’t tell him.”

“He will never find out. He’s happy Sam. Let him be happy, he deserves it more than anyone else.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me? I have already lost everything – telling him won’t change that. You wouldn’t be doing me any favors by hurting him.”

“But you still love him, don’t you?”

“I… This changes absolutely nothing.”

“I’m so sorry Cas…”

“It’s ok Sam. I’m just glad it’s over, it’s really, truly over…”

“Will you go back to Heaven?”

“Yes, that’s my home after all.”

Sam nodded watching his friend carefully. Suddenly, the air thickened, the same way it always did before Cas took off. Sam hurried on.

“Cas, how did you get away?” He asked and with the relief noticed the air ease up again.

“Balthazar found me. Turns out he was still looking for me… He heard Israfil’s human talk about the angel trap that held two angels and he found us. He killed Israfil and cared for me. I owe him my life.”

“I’m so sorry we’ve given up…”

“I’m glad you have. Dean needed to move on. He had, all is good…”

“It’s so unfair.”

Castiel laughed bitterly at that, startling Sam.

“Haven’t you heard? Life’s a bitch.”

And he disappeared leaving Sam speechless.

 

 

“So what am I now?” Cas whispered and his voice sounded off from the lack of use. He didn’t speak to anyone after he saw Sam. Samandriel tried to speak to him, but Castiel would just shake his head and stare at nothing. Samandriel still tried, every single day.

Castiel was lying on the ground next to the lake he had taken Dean to on one of those nights they shared. It was peaceful here – no humans, no angels, no demons. He like this place, it soothed him. He was lying and looking at his arms to keep himself rooted. The scars… they were good, solid reminder that he wasn’t losing his mind. That was part of the reason why he didn’t leave Jimmy again. The other part was that Jimmy wasn’t there anymore. When Castiel knew he hadn’t had the energy to shield Jimmy from the torture, he made him leave for good. For all intents and purposes Jimmy was dead. He was in heaven now, with his family that Castiel failed to save while being tortured as well. Castiel maimed Jimmy’s life for good and that was just another thing he had on his conscience.

At least Dean was happy. Despite everything, despite of what Castiel did or tried to do – Dean was finally happy and that was the only thing that mattered. He almost maimed Dean’s life too and that was something Castiel couldn’t live with. Sam told him how hard it’d been on Dean and it hurt, but at least he was happy now.

Castiel’s thoughts drifted back to the day he last spoke to Dean. He was so happy then, so unbelievably happy. Those memories made him strong enough to handle whatever Israfil had put him through. The way Dean had looked at him – caring and almost lovingly… That look alone was worth all the suffering. What wouldn’t Castiel give to see that look again...?

“No, never again.” He muttered under his breath and clenched his fists. He would never again see Dean. He would never again hear him laugh or growl angrily. He would never again feel his lips on his. He would never again be his.

And yet again Castile crumbled beneath the knowledge of how much he had lost and how much he still needed him. It was all good and noble to think he was happy as long as Dean was happy, but the truth was he was so irrevocably miserable, so broken he could barely breathe. So what was he now? Just a fallen angel - lost and alone and on the verge of insanity? An angel who was in such a desperate need of a human it made him shatter? He used to be a warrior – a soldier of the Lord – strong and powerful and righteous above all and now he was a mere shadow of the angel he once was, a mere reflection of the man he tried to be. He was nothing anymore – the only remaining vestiges he had were his resolve to keep Dean happy and to stay away no matter how hard it would be.

“You shouldn’t be here, Cassie.” Balthazar said softly and sat down beside him.

“Yes, I could say the same to you.” The angel nodded still looking at his scars.

“If you want him so much, you should just go and get him.”

“He’s not a thing I can just get. He never really was mine, least of all now.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’ve seen him, Balt.”

“Yes, but you haven’t even spoken to him. Not that his opinion should matter much, but he might as well want you.”

“He doesn’t. He’s… He’s happy; he’s moved on.”

“Cassie, you’re making assumptions. Normally, I couldn’t care less, but your moping is getting on my nerves. Let him tell you what he wants.”

“No. And you don’t have to be here for my ‘moping’, I never asked you to.”

“Right, because I’d let you do it alone. Look, Cassie, I might think your choice in love interests is appalling – I mean you could’ve chosen me, but went for a mud monkey instead – but I didn’t spend last 2 year looking for you so you can fall apart for a human. If you want him, then you have to at least try.”

“He has a family, Balt. He has a kid, who looks at him as if he’d hung the moon and he has a woman, who clearly loves him. He’s happy and that’s all I ever wanted for him. It was never meant to be, him and me.”

“That’s a pile of dung and you know it. Since when do you even care about meant to be?”

“I don’t. But I do care about Dean and he’s happy. There’s nothing I could do for him, nothing I could give him that would rival his family. And I don’t want to rival his family – he’s happy! If I showed up at his doorstep, what do you think would happen?”

“Oh, I don’t know mate, how about he’d realize he’s kind of stupidly head over heels for you and he’d be with you?”

“Do you even hear how it sounds?” Castiel smiled sadly. “He’s moved on, there’s nothing left. If I turned on his doorstep, he’d probably be glad I didn’t die and because he’s a good guy, he’d feel bad for me and my lingering affection. And what good is that?”

“Your lingering affection? Seriously? Cassie, you’re crazy in love with the guy. You endured torture for two years rather than tell Israfil Dean had the khamsa. You fell for him and died for him repeatedly. Lingering affection my ass!”

“And so what if I do love him? Why would I want to burden him with my feelings when he’s clearly over me and he finally has something he longed for his entire life – a family?”

“You’re a stubborn fool, Cassie. You have to at least try, or you’ll regret this for ages.”

“There is nothing to try. It’s all done.”

“Oh, fine, so if it’s done, how about you and I have some fun? There are countless fish in the sea – you might as well find someone else you enjoy…”

“I have no interest in fornicating.”

“Of course you don’t.” The angel sighed and rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine. You do your moping and you get over it. The way I see it – you can either forget about him or try doing something about him and since you have no intentions on doing the latter, I expect you to let me help you with the former.”

“Just give me some time, Balt. I… I love him, you know? And it’s absurd how painful that actually is.”

“I know, Cassie, I know.” He muttered soothingly and wrapped his arms around the other angel’s shoulders. “But it gets better, I promise you.”

Castiel sighed heavily and leaned into the embrace. He didn’t particularly believe it will get better, but for some unfathomable reason it helped to just lean on someone he trusted and let that said someone hold him close.

 

 

“Cas! Castiel! Cas! Please come down here! He’s hurt! He’s dying!” Sam begged looking at the ceiling of the hospital room. Lisa was sitting on the side of the bed, holding Dean’s hand and crying silently.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Castiel appeared in the corner of the room.

“I just came a moment ago, Lisa called me. He’s hurt, badly.”

“What happened to him, Lisa?” Castiel asked looking at her for the first time. She was beautiful despite having cried a lot. Of course her eyes were puffy and her cheeks were flushed, but she was really beautiful, someone Dean could be attracted to. What saddened Castiel the most was that she seemed kind as well – good, he wanted Dean to end up with someone kind, but at the same time it had the finality that hurt the angel more – Dean would only ever love a really kind person.

“The car accident…” she sobbed, “the other driver in a truck… he was drunk and he hit Dean’s Impala… It rolled down to the river. He didn’t drown, but his head is badly hurt and doctor said… he said…”

She burst out crying again.

“Calm down, he will be ok.” Castiel said kindly and then turned to Sam. “I’ll ask Samandriel to heal him. I don’t want him to see me. Samandriel!”

Sam braced himself for the popping in of another angel, but nothing happened.

“Balthazar!” Castiel said instead knowing that time was slipping away, Dean could not hold on for very long now.

“I don’t know why they’re not coming. I’ll look for them; I’ll come back in a minute.”

“No, Cas! It’s too late, he’s dying…”

Castiel knew Sam was right – Dean’s breathing hitched, his heart rate became irregular and his body started shivering and then convulsing. He stepped closer and touched his temple with the tips of his fingers. Dean gasped and arched his back before falling back on the bed and opening his eyes.

He saw Castiel and for a second looked at him confusedly.

“I’m dead.” He said calmly. There was no question in his tone, just the fact and Cas’ lips twitched upwards very slightly at that, remembering the time they spoke about Heaven. He shook his head.

“No, it’s the other way around.” He muttered and saw the understanding flicker in the hunter’s eyes.

“You’re alive… You’re alive! You’re alive!” He almost jumped, but then Lisa threw herself into his arms sobbing and crying. Castiel watched how Dean’s arms wrapped around her automatically, how he started stroking her hair calming her, soothing her and small, painful smile appeared on his lips.

“Welcome back, Dean.” He said and turned to go.

“Wait, wait, no!” Castiel heard Dean shout but for the first time he didn’t stop or hesitate at Dean call. He disappeared without a second glance. It was over. It was done.


	10. Feeling

‘It’s been a month, stop it already!’ Castiel thought gritting his teeth. For the last month every night he would hear Dean praying to him, asking him to come and talk to him. Castiel was already in so much pain it was ridiculous, but Dean kept praying and praying every night and Castiel’s resolve started wavering. He was so unbelievably tired from all that pain. All he wanted was a moment of peace. A moment, in which he could take a deep breath and just not feel anything anymore. How he wished he stopped feeling. If only he could… Instead his every thought was with him – what was he doing, was he alright, was he happy, did he think of him at all? And now this torture every night… Sometimes Dean was pissed, shouting at him and demanding him to come. Yet other times he would try to coax him into going, but worst of all sometimes he’d simply beg him to come. The begging was the worst. Tonight was the begging and Cas was on the verge of giving in. He knew it would be a mistake – there literally was nothing good that could come out of giving in, but he’d missed Dean, ached for a moment with him so much that his reasoning faltered more and more with every prayer spoken.

“Please, Cas, please… Please come to me… I have to see you, I need to see you! Please, Cas, please…”

“Stop it.” Cas croaked in a broken voice. “Just stop it. I’m here.”

“Cas…” Dean sighed in relief looking at him standing in the furthest corner of the room. Cas’ gaze was resolutely on the floor, his shoulders slumped and Dean’s heart clenched at seeing him this way.

“What is it Dean? Do you need something?”

“Cas.” The hunter breathed again. “Fucking finally! I’ve been praying to you every night!”

“I know, I heard you.” The angel nodded.

“Then why didn’t you come to me? You knew I wanted to talk to you, why didn’t you come?”

“Is there anything left to talk about?” He asked silently and Dean’s heart clenched painfully at the sight of his angel’s silent defeat.

“Cas… I thought you were dead.”

“I know.”

“I tried to find you, I looked for you, but they all said you were dead…”

“Yes, it was a rational conclusion.”

“I prayed to God to save you, to bring you back to me!” Dean hissed desperately.

“That was very kind of you, Dean.”

“Fuck it, Cas. Look at me!” But the angel shook his head.

“Cas, I mourned you, for a long time I mourned you.”

“I know, Sam told me what happened while I was gone. I'm sorry for your pain.”

“I thought I would never see you again…”

“Dean, what are you doing? Are you trying to justify yourself? Do you think I blame you?”

“I fucking blame me!”

“It doesn’t make sense. You did everything you could and then you moved on – that’s what people do. I don’t blame you.”

“I shouldn’t have given up!”

“Yes, you should have. The likelihood I was dead outweighed the possibility I was alive by far. You did the right thing.”

“Then why the hell do I feel I failed you?”

“Do you want me to tell you it’s ok?” Castiel asked tiredly, still not looking at him. “It’s ok Dean. You didn’t do anything wrong – you have all the rights to be happy and I’m truly glad that you are. There is nothing I wanted more for you than happiness.”

“Yeah? Then what about you? Are you ok now?”

“What do you expect to hear?” The angel asked tiredly closing his eyes. This was even harder than he thought it would be. “A sort of fairytale where everything turns out to be great and everyone is happy? Well look at your life then – you’ve got home and family and everyone are so happy! Sounds like a fairytale to me.”

“And what about you?”

Finally Castiel raised his head to look him in the eye. Dean gasped at the pained expression he saw.

“And what about me, Dean?” He asked pausing after each word. “What do you want to hear? That I’m doing great? That everything is over now? That I’m happy?”

“Cas…”

“I’ve lost everything, Dean…” He muttered. He wanted to shout, to lash out at the unfairness of it all, but he didn’t even have strength for that. “All I can remember is pain. Pain. All. The. Time. And even the memories that were dearest to me are hurting me now. I’ve got nothing left. And it’s…”

“I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t, don’t… It’s alright. It could’ve been worse. You’re alright, that’s all that matters.” Angel muttered, but despite his reassurances he started shaking feverishly. He dropped his gaze trying to compose himself and mumbled. “I should go.”

Dean darted across the room at that and wrapped his arms tightly around the angel, trapping him. “You’re not going anywhere. I’ve got you now. Calm down, I’ve got you.” Dean whispered silently in his ear and brushed his hair out of the eyes of shivering angel. “You’re ok, you’re here with me.”

It was all it took. Almost instantly Castiel started to calm down. He relished in this stolen moment he had in Dean’s arms and at the same time hated himself for that. It was all wrong, but it was so good!

“Cas, look at me.” Dean asked when the angel stopped shaking, but he shook his head. “Cas, I want you to look at me now.”

Castiel sighed and opened his eyes meeting Dean’s. And despite the pain and despair, he felt a familiar, but almost forgotten sensation stirring deep inside him. He hated himself for the way his blood started simmering in his veins, for the way his heart started thudding in his chest, for the way his hands itched to pull the hunter even closer, to feel his skin under his fingertips. Dean was not his – not ever, least of all now – and yet Castiel ached to have him, to touch him, to taste him… Dean was not his, not his to want and yet… And yet Dean’s mouth was inches away, his breath ghosting on his cheek and it took all Cas had to stay still, to not let himself lean in… The angel’s eyes flicked to Dean’s and the new, liquid sort of hope spread in his chest, because… Because it was Dean’s eyes glued firmly to Castiel’s lips, it was his hands clutching to him tightly and it was his heart hammering against his own. And just like some many times before, without even thinking about it, the angel sighed and bit on his bottom lip.

“Fuck, Cas, you…” But he didn’t finish. Instead he groaned as he reclaimed the angel’s lip, sucking on it, biting it gently. Castiel’s arms wrapped around Dean immediately, pressing him hard against him, caressing him. He felt so familiar, so… his. Castiel moaned as Dean’s tongue met his and marveled at the sound of Dean groaning. Dean trailed his kisses down Cas’ jaw line and Cas moaned again.

“What do you want?”  Castiel asked him in a broken voice.

“I want you.” Dean replied instantly and started unbuttoning his shirt. “I want you. I want you.”

When he pulled Cas’ shirt off, he suddenly gasped staring at the scars covering his arms.

“Don’t worry about them.” Cas whispered and pulled Dean into another kiss. “They’re here to keep me grounded, that’s all.”

“Raise your hands.” Dean ordered and as Cas did he pulled his T-shirt off. There were scars on his entire body and Dean grit his teeth.

“Is it unpleasant?” Castiel asked carefully. “You don’t want to?”

“Shut up, I want you!” Dean growled feverishly. “I just thought I would’ve been happy to be the one who killed that son of the bitch.”

“You and I both.” Cas nodded and returned to Dean’s lips once again. He pulled Dean’s shirt off and then his T-shirt. “You’re beautiful.”

Dean unbuckled Cas’ belt and pulled his pants off, preparing for more scars. It was so unbearably hard to see them... Finally, he pulled his boxers off and at least there he was whole. And hard.

“Israfil thought this part was filthy.” Castiel said bitterly as if reading Dean’s thoughts. “Lucky me!”

“Don’t think about him now, Cas. Stay with me. I want you all.” He said firmly and then licked his lips before dropping to his knees and sucking on the tip of his cock forcefully, eliciting loud moan from the angel.

“Just like that – just you and me.” Dean whispered and resumed sucking and licking Cas’ cock until he started panting and writhing. He let go of him and Castiel whimpered loudly.

“Not just yet, Cas. I want you. I want you all.”

He took his pants and boxers off and led Cas to the bed.

“I want to be inside you, I want to feel you around me.” He whispered as he rolled on the condom and pumped on some lube. “Do you want me?”

“Yes, yes…” He panted lying on the bed, his legs spread wide, watching him transfixed.

“Speak to me, Cas. What do you want me to do?”

“I want you in me… I want to be yours again. I want to feel you in me!”

“Like that?” Dean asked positioning at his entrance.

“Yes, yes like that! Please! Come!”

But before he did, Dean took his time prepping Cas, making sure he’s ready. He didn’t want him in any sort of pain and did everything to make sure Cas would enjoy this. When he finally did push in, he did it slowly, controlling himself all the way, trying not to cause him pain, letting him adjust. As soon as he was fully in, Cas whimpered.

“Move… I want you to move.”

Dean started moving slowly at first. He held Cas’ hips firmly trying to reach that spot that made the angel shiver and writhe beneath him. On his third thrust he hit the spot and Cas cried out his name loudly. Dean moved faster and faster hitting his spot again and again.

“Cas, I’m close now.” He moaned and wrapped his fingers around Castiels cock, pumping him. “Come with me Cas, come with me.”

Castiel’s body shook and shivered from the sensations so intense he could barely hold on.

“Come with me!” Dean shouted and they both did just that amidst the light, the shouts and the moans.

 

 

After the shower that involved some more sucking and licking on Cas’ part and some more moans and shouts on Dean’s, he led the angel to the bed and pulled him in his arms, holding on to him tightly. They lied silently on the bed for a long while; Dean’s finger’s trailing the scars of Cas’ arm and back. Finally, Cas spoke.

“How much more of the fallen angel could I be?” He asked silently, more to himself than Dean.

“Don’t go there.”

“Well, look at me! First I go against my father and my brothers and I fall from Heaven. Then I start desiring my friend. You push me away again and again and yet I want you. What you and I had was sacrilege to begin with and now… ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s man!’ It’s plain sin.”

“Cas…”

“No, Dean, it is. You have a family. You’re not mine to desire. What was I thinking?”

“This is not about thinking, Cas. It’s about feeling. No one thinks it would be peachy to fuck someone with a family. These things happen because sometimes what you feel is above the commandments.”

“I’m an angel, Dean. Nothing is supposed to be above the commandments…”

“And yet here you are, lying in my arms and fucking happy to be here.”

“That’s my point exactly – what kind of an angel am I? What kind of a man?”

“Well, what kind of a man do you think I am? It’s me who has a family, not you, and yet all I can think about is you! You lie here, holding on to me and I have no idea how I could ever let you go. You lie here and I think how I’d like to kiss every scar you’ve got to make it better, to ease the pain you’re in. And most of all, you lie here and I think about how much I fucking love you! What kind of the man does that make me?”

Castiel pulled up at that, eyes fixed on Dean’s.

“You love me?”

“You fool, of course I love you! Why’d you think I prayed to you all this time? And better yet - why’d you think I thought I was dead when I saw you?”

“I don’t…”

“Idiot. You would be in my Heaven, alright? There’s no Heaven without you!”

And now Castiel was kissing him again. Relief and pain, longing and despair and most of all love mingled in that desperate kiss.

“I thought I lost it…” Cas sighed. “I thought I lost you.”

“I know, I did too. But I never really stopped loving you, Cas… I was in a dark place when you disappeared. I looked for you, I prayed… And then, when I lost all hope I was looking for a way to die and get to Heaven. You were right – it’s a comfort knowing you could be with someone you love if you died.”

“No!”

“Yes… And then I met Lisa and Ben. They pulled me out of the deepest hole in my life. They were with me when I was hurt and desperate and little by little I allowed them to enter my life…”

“You love them.” This was not a question. It was clear. It also hurt, but it was right.

“Yes.”

“That’s why I didn’t come to you…”

“Yeah, about that – why the hell would you go to Sammy and not me?”

“I came to you first. I saw your family. I saw you were happy. There was no place for me in your life and so I didn’t want to… I don’t know. I just didn’t want to hurt you again.”

“And it didn’t occur to you it was my decision to make? Cas, it’s my life!”

“But I was right! Before you knew I was alive, you were fine. You were living a happy life with people you love. And now look at you – you think I don’t see it’s eating at you? You think I don’t see you feel guilty for being here with me? You would’ve been happier without me!”

“Fuck you!” He growled and then suddenly rolled onto Cas. “If I’d been happier without you, then why the hell am I so fucking happy to have you here? Why the hell all I want is to fuck you again and see you moan and shout in pleasure?”

“Dean…” He almost moaned.

“No, you speak to me Castiel. If you know what’s better for me, then why are you here? Why do you look at me the same way you did all this time ago? Why does that look still make me hard and desperate?”

“Because I’m weak!” He suddenly shouted. “Because I couldn’t stay away even though I knew I’d hurt you by coming here!”

“Hurt me?” Dean hissed. “Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t you see me? Don’t you feel me? I fucking love you, Cas! I love you! Do you get that?”

“You love them too! You’ll have to choose now Dean and there’s no good choice here! Some of us will be hurt again and one of them will definitely be you!”

“And how’s that different if you didn’t show up? You think I wasn’t hurting for you anymore? Weren’t you in pain?”

“It was my choice then… And you were… You seemed happy!”

“Fuck it, Cas! Snap out of it! You didn’t hurt me, ok? If I could choose, I’d always choose you to come to me, do you understand that? So what if I seemed happy with Lisa? Don’t I seem happy with you in my arms? Because I sure as hell feel happy!”

Cas took a deep breath. He didn’t want to ask this question, but he knew he had to.

“So what happens now? What happens now when you’re happy with your family and you’re happy with me?”

Dean rolled off him and lied on his back for a moment. His hand was still on Cas’ stomach as if he didn’t want to break a contact.

“I don’t know.” He said finally. “I don’t know what happens now. All I know is I can’t lose you again.”

Castiel closed his eyes and sighed.

“But you can’t leave them either, right? That’s what you’re saying?”

“I don’t know what I’m saying, Cas! I just don’t fucking know!”

“I won’t be an adulterer, Dean. I know my morals are very low now, but I won’t be an adulterer…”

“I would never ask you to.”

“Wouldn’t you?” Cas smiled sadly. “You’d get to keep everything…”

“Yeah, but who’d I be then?”

“I think you could be happy.”

“What are you saying, Cas?”

“Before I left for the final battle, I told you I would do anything I can for you to be happy. So far I tried my best – I failed by showing up, but you were dying… Anyway, I think I kept that promise the best I could.”

“Showing up was the best fucking thing you did!”

“Alright, that’s not my point anyway. What I’m saying is that I was willing to stay away to make you happy. It hurt more than anything Israfil did, but I thought I was doing the right thing for you and so I just did it regardless what I felt. I kept my promise.”

“I know you did…”

“Good. Now, if you ask me to be an adulterer, I will break it. I’m sorry, Dean, but I will break it. I have fallen and I have committed a sacrilege with you and that was good. I have fallen in love with you and I did all I could to protect you and that was also good. But I have also committed the adultery and although it felt good, it’s not. I intentionally did something that could hurt another human being just to satisfy my own desires and that’s not who I am. I know it sounds hypocritical when I lie here naked with you in your family bed, but it’s the truth nevertheless.”

“I know that. I’d never ask you to do that. I haven’t forgotten you’re an angel, you know!”

“So what I’m saying is you’ll have to make a choice. I hate it, I wanted to avoid it, but it really comes down to this…”

“Cas, don’t push me.”

“I don’t. Take all the time you need. I just wanted to make sure you understand.”

“I get it, alright? I know I’ll have to make a decision, I get it…” He sighed and closed his eyes.

“You know I can help you, right?” Castiel asked silently.

“How’d you figure that?”

“Well, for one I could just leave.”

“No.” He said immediately snapping his head up and looking at Cas’ eyes intently. “Don’t you dare leave me again! I can’t lose you, do you understand? Promise me, Cas, promise you won’t leave.”

“You mean I should promise I won’t leave unless you ask me to?”

“Fuck, Cas, I know how it sounds! I fucking know how unfair I’m being to you!”

“Stop, don’t agonize over it. You didn’t choose this, it’s alright.”

“No, it’s not fucking alright! But Cas… I can’t even think straight when I know you might leave me…”

“I promise. I won’t leave you until you ask me to.” He whispered silently, caressing the side of Dean’s face with his fingertips.

“Thank you…”

“There’s the other thing I can do to help you.” The angel said continuing his trail of thought. “Angel’s are very rational you know. Well maybe you don’t know – I’m probably the worst example really.”

“I like that you’re not too rational. Zachariah was freakin’ weird with all his rationality.”

“Anyway, if I look at all of this rationally, it’s quite an easy decision.”

“How’d you figure?” Dean asked again.

“Well, here you go – you love both me and Lisa, right? So really, this is not an argument for either of us and thus should be disregarded.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I’m serious. I know it’s heartbreaking to you and all, but really for the sake of decision you have to make, it’s irrelevant – you love us both.” Cas was surprised how easy it was to speak about that now. His rational mind did something incredible – for the first time in a very long while it pushed the emotions to the back seat. “So what else there is? I can make sure you’re safe. With my healing and all the other things I could do, you could probably live forever. Well, as long as I do, anyway. Lisa can give you children. I’ve heard people think it’s pretty much the same – you’ll live in your children’s memory or something. So it’s a tie again, we can disregard it. Lisa can give you normal life – no demons, no angels, no more fighting. I however can’t do that. With me, there will always be something – angels, at the very least, but probably also demons and all sorts of beings… So it’s really her hand. Then there’s parenthood. Not in the sense of life extension, but in the sense of having a child. I can’t give you that, Lisa can. Then there’s an opportunity to grow old together. I won’t grow old, she will and you could do it with her. There’s also social aspect of the relationship – you can be as open about your relationship with Lisa as you want, whereas with me there’s all homosexual perception to consider. I know you told Sam, but would you really want anyone else to know? Hmm... I think I’m losing spectacularly, wouldn’t you say?”

“You’re freaking me out, that’s for sure!” Dean growled.

“Why? It’s just calculation.”

“Cas, do you realize the odds were never in our favor, or whatever the hell it is they say?”

“Who says?” Cas asked confusedly.

“Nevermind. Look, what were the odds you’d fall in love with me? What were the odds I’d fall in love with you?”

“I don’t think they were good.”

“And yet here we are.”

“Yes, but we’re talking about what’s best for you now.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“What about what’s best for you, you fool?”

“Honestly? The best would’ve been for Israfil to have killed me.”

“No!”

“Why not? That would have saved both you and me a lot of pain. You have already mourned my death and I would have died knowing you cared about me. How’s that not a perfect solution?”

“That’s the worst solution, Cas! Don’t you even dare think like that! How do you think that makes me feel? You’d rather be dead than here with me!”

“No, I’d rather be dead than lose you again.”

“Fuck you, Cas!” Dean jumped up from the bed in rage.

“I don’t understand. Why are you so angry?” He sat up.

“Because you dying was the worst pain I had ever experienced! It was worse than anything what happened in Hell! And now you lie here and say you’d rather be dead!”

“Dean, calm down…” He stood up and wrapped his arms around the other man. “Of course I’d rather be with you. I’d always rather be with you… I love you, you know that. Calm down.”

He started kissing him – slowly, gently, soothingly. It didn’t take long for the desire to take over the comfort and soon they were panting again, moaning and shouting each other’s names as pain and pleasure mixed with love and betrayal in the blazing light.

 

 

“Where’s your family?” Castiel asked after they had another shower together. They were back in the bed, lying on their sides and Dean was holding him from behind.

“They’re visiting Lisa’s mother. They’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Alright.” Cas sighed.

“Will you stay with me until then?” Dean whispered kissing Cas’s shoulder. He felt like the biggest jerk to ask that, but he simply saw no way to let him go.

“If you want me to…”

“I want you.” Dean said at once and continued kissing his shoulder lightly. “You know it’s called ‘spooning’?”

“What is?”

“This, the way we lie here. I’m a big spoon and you’re my small spoon.”

“I’m taller than the Chrysler Building!” Cas scoffed indignantly, but then he smiled.

“Yeah, yeah. Still you fit perfectly, do you see?”

“It feels perfect.”

“It really does…”

“You should get some sleep Dean, you look tired.” Cas said silently, entwining his right hand’s fingers with Dean’s.

“I’m afraid you’ll go away while I sleep.”

“I won’t. I promised to stay and I will. I don’t want to leave you.”

“I love you, angel.”

“I love you too. Sleep now.” And it only took couple of minutes for Dean to relax and succumb to sleep.

 

 

 “I thought your vessel couldn’t change.” Dean asked him, trailing his finger down the scars on Castiel’s chest. It was morning already.

“It can, if I don’t heal it. I healed the wounds, but not the scars.”

“Why?”

“Because when I start to lose it, when I’m no longer certain what’s real anymore, I look at those scars and I know I’m sane, this really happened. I was afraid to lose myself in all that pain, I didn’t want to lose my memories and my grasp on reality. So I found the way.”

“I used to look at your hand print. You know, after you got me out of Hell, I’d look at your hand print and I’d know it was real.”

“So you understand, I thought you would.” Cas smiled sadly and the changed the subject. “How’s Sam?”

“How should I know? I haven’t spoken to him after he told me he knew you were alive.”

“Why?”

“Because he didn’t tell me! He should have told me and he didn’t!”

“I asked him not to tell you.”

“It doesn’t matter. He is my brother. He saw what it has been like to lose you! He had to tell me.”

“Dean, it was kind of him not to tell you. All he wanted is for you to be happy. He was miserable when I asked him not to tell you, but he did it for you anyway.”

“If he wanted to do something for me, he should have called me straight away!”

“Then why aren’t you angry with me? I didn’t come to you, too.”

“Yeah, if you think I’m impressed by that, think again!” Dean growled. “But I can understand why you did it – you were in pain. And you’re an angel, you’re weird that way. If it were me, I’d come to you, whether or not you have a family. You could have a harem for all I care – I would at least try.”

“Try what?” Castiel raised his eyebrows. “Break up the family? Again, even I understand the irony of my own words, but I’m really not that kind of person.”

“Yeah well, it seems to me that I am.” Dean said thoughtfully. “Anyway, you at least had decent reasons while Sammy’s nonsense about me being happy is a load of bullshit! He knew what I felt for you! He had to tell me.”

“Dean, will you please make it up with him?”

“No.”

“Please? I don’t want to be guilty for causing this too. Please, will you just make up with him? For me?”

“Fuck it, Cas! Where did you learn the ‘for me’ bit?”

“Well, not from you, you can be sure about that. All you ever say is ‘I want you to…’ and I’m doing it.”

Dean laughed, but then his eyes darkened.

“Yes, and you know just how much pleasure it brings us both.”

“You’re changing the subject, Dean, and it’s working really well…” Cas shook his head trying to clear it. “Will you make up with your brother?”

“Alright, alright!” He agreed exasperated, but then his gaze fell onto Cas’ lips. “Now about that other thing – all I have to say is I want you to, and you’re doing it right?”

“What do you want, Dean?” He asked smiling slightly.

“I want you.” He replied at once, but then continued his eyes set firmly on the angel’s lips. “How about we do it differently? What do you want, Cas?”

Castiels’ eyebrows cocked up slightly, but he pulled himself together at once. Dean was offering him a chance too good to miss it.

“I want you. I want to have you… I want to claim you the way you claim me. I want to feel what’s it like to be in you. I want you to writhe and shake in my arms. I want make you come with me. I want you to feel just how overwhelming it is, how much pleasure it gives to just let go of yourself, let go of all the control and place all the trust in someone else…”

And from the look in Cas’ eyes and his words alone, Dean started panting slightly.

“Fuck it Cas! Where did you learn to sweet talk like that?”

“From you, of course.” He replied and then pulled Dean into a hard kiss. “Do I have you?”

“I’m yours…” And for the first time in Dean’s life he just let go and let Cas take over. And it was better than he could have ever dreamed of. Cas was gentle with him and there was no pain. It was probably an angel thing, Dean wondered later. But he was also hard with him and commanding and with every move he made, Dean yearned for more. And just as Cas told him – Dean shook, and writhed and begged for relief, but Cas took his time, slowing down whenever he felt Dean to be close and hurrying up again to keep him on the verge and when Dean was sure he’d lose his mind Castiel finally pushed them both over the edge with the last thrusts and pumps. Dean came so hard he didn’t even see the light. He collapsed on the bed breathing rapidly and lied there for a long time trying to pull himself together as Cas trailed light kisses down his spine. When he could finally form a coherent thought, he turned on his back and pulled Cas into his arms.

“Damn it Cas! And here I thought I was good…” He whispered and kissed him.

“You were amazing, Dean. You were absolutely remarkable.”

 

 

“I have to go now.” Castiel said as he came out of the bathroom. He had a shower and he looked fresh and rested. It amazed Dean how much better he looked than the moment he came to him in the first place. His eyes weren’t hollow anymore and his gaze wasn’t restless. Despite the scars on his arms, that his T-shirt didn’t hide, he looked almost alright. With the jolt of surprise, Dean realized he was wearing jeans and there was no trench coat in sight. How the hell did he fail to see that?

”Since when do you wear jeans?” He asked curiously.

“My clothes… They didn’t survive Israfil as well as I did. And jeans… You always wear jeans so I thought I’d give it a try. It’s ok, I like them. I also like shirts and a tie. And I hate sweaters.”

“You’re weird, you know?” Dean asked, but the smile he gave him was nothing but appreciative.

Castiel pulled him up from the bed. Dean was also wearing jeans now, but it was all he was wearing. Castiel hugged him, placing his head on his shoulder.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

“No, no. Thank you, Cas. Thank you for this time together. It was more than I hoped for.”

“I love you.” Cas said holding him still.

“I love you.” Dean echoed. His heart clenched at the knowledge he had to let him go no. How could he let him go?

Cas tried to pull back, but Dean held onto him.

“Not yet.” He murmured. “One more second.”

“You’ll call me, right? When you make your choice, you’ll call me? Even if it’s Lisa, you’d still tell me? It’s not a goodbye yet?”

“It’s not a goodbye! Fuck it, Cas, it sure as hell is not a goodbye!”

“Good. I want to see you again, even if it is for a goodbye, I want to see you once more.”

“Cas, please…”

“No, it’s ok. I know the odds are against me, or something similar.’

“You mean the odds are not in your favor.”

“Yes, what is that?”

“Nevermind, it’s stupid. A movie I’ve seen with a really hot chick…”

“You think now is the time to speak about women who appeal sexually to you? Honestly, how is it I’m weird? You humans are plain crazy!”

“Sorry, you’re right.” He agreed and still wouldn’t let go.

“I have to go now.” He tried to pull back again, but Dean held on.

“I know. I just don’t want you to.”

“Dean, they’ll be here soon. And you really need to get a shower, you smell of…”

“I smell of what?”

“Well, me. And sex.”

“The best smell ever then.” He grinned.

“Dean.”

“I know, alright?” He finally let go. “I’ll call and you’ll come, right?”

“Right. You’ll call, I’ll come. And don’t forget you promised to make it up with Sam.”

“Fine. You care too much for that idiot.”

“He cares about me too. He’s been good to me when I was in a really dark place.”

“You mean you went back to him?”

“Yes, I’ve visited him couple of times.”

“Him and not me?” He hissed.

“What is this?” Cas asked confusedly.

“I’m pissed, that’s what it is.” Dean growled.

“Why? Because I visited your brother? I was in pain and he was the only one except Balthazar who I could speak to.”

“Balthazar? As in the royal asshole Balthazar? You speak to him and Sam, but not to me!”

“I could have hardly spoken to you about how hurt I was by losing you. Why are you so angry? They helped me.”

“I could have helped you!”

“No, you couldn’t have.”

“I just hate it that you’d go to someone else and not me. It makes me really angry.”

“But I don’t understand. Why would that anger you?”

“Because I’m fucking jealous, that’s why!” He growled.

Castiel stared at him bewildered.

“What do you have to be jealous about?” He asked perplexed.

“You! I’m jealous they get to be with you!”

“Ok, tell me this then – have you been here for the last couple of days? Have you heard anything I said? Have you seen me? Have you felt me?”

“Yes, but…”

“No. There’s no ‘but’ here. I am yours. My every thought and every feeling are about you. My so called life is about you. Everything I am is about you now. How can you stand here and tell me you’re jealous?”

“Cas, I…”

“No. I love you so much that I don’t question anything you do. I love you so much I’ll accept the loss of you without hesitation as long as you’re happy. I love you so much that jealousy is not a word strong enough to express what I feel leaving you with her and yet I don’t even say anything about it. How can you be jealous when I love you so?”

“I’m an idiot, that’s how!” He pulled the angel into another hug. “I’m a fucking idiot! I’m sorry, I really am that stupid…”

“Stop it. I know it’s irrational. I understand. You just startled me with this.”

“I don’t fucking deserve you.”

“Stop it.” He repeated. “It’s not about thinking, it’s about feeling, right? And now I really have to go.”

“Ok. I love you.” He kissed him gently on the corner of the mouth.

“I love you too.” He smiled and then pulled away and disappeared.


	11. Choices...

“Castiel, what were you thinking?” Samandriel stared at him bewildered. “I know you were partial to that human, but this is beyond reason and understanding.”

“I know it is. It’s irrational.” Castiel smiled despite the feeling of guilt raging in him. Of course Samandriel wouldn’t understand. He had always been so… good. Not only in the sense of following the rules, although there was no denying he was good at that, but he had always been good to everyone. This was the reason why he went to the war in the first place – there was no way he would allow such devastation as apocalypse without a fight. And he was always so kind to Castiel. Despite him falling and despite him rebelling – Samandriel was always kind to him. They would’ve been best friends should they had been humans. As they weren’t, they were brothers. Yet he knew nothing of the intensity of human feelings. He had no idea how it burned and how weak it rendered whomever it possessed.

“It’s a sin, Castiel. Everything you have with this man is a sin.”

“I know. He has a family, I know.”

“But why would you commit such an act? Why would you ever even commit the sacrilege?”

“I love him.”

“I love you, but I don’t propose the fornication.”

“I love him differently, Samandriel. You can’t understand it unless you’ve ever felt it.”

“I understand the concept of romantic love, but I don’t understand how you could have engaged in adultery…”

“I love him. I know it’s wrong and I will not do it again. I repent it Samandriel. I wish I didn’t have to do it…”

“You wish you didn’t have to do it? You don’t repent having done that?”

“I wish he didn’t have a family. I wish what we did was a simple act of love.”

“Castiel!”

“Of course I feel horrible for the way my actions might affect his family. I feel incredibly guilty and most of all – I feel… filthy. I will not do it again. If Dean chooses his family and I am certain he will, I will never touch him again. But if I was to go back, I’d do it again. I’d do it again without hesitation, because the time we spent together was more than happiness – it was absolute and undeniable bliss.”

“So now your human is deciding if he should stay with his family or… What kind of relationship do you think you could have with him?” Samandriel asked curiously.

“I don’t know. If he wanted me, I think I could have any kind of relationship he wanted as long as it didn’t hurt anyone.”

“You’re an angel. He is but a human.”

“I know. The odds are not in my favor.” He smiled suddenly.

“I don’t understand why that pleases you.”

“It doesn’t. Nevermind.”

“You have changed a lot Castiel. These past five years have changed you so much that I struggle to see the angel I once knew.”

“I know. I sometimes wish I was that angel again – innocent, naïve and happy in his ignorance.”

“I wish you were him too. You were my friend and my brother then and now… I just don’t understand you anymore.”

“I know and I regret it. I wish you did, but I know you don’t understand me, because I’m too human for you, and they don’t understand me, because I’m too angel for them. Sometimes I think that the only person who can understand me is Balthazar and well… You know how he is about humans. I wish you’d understand instead.”

“I try.”

“I know and I’m grateful Samandriel.”

“What will you do if he stays with his family?”

“I will accept it. There’s not much I can do, is there? I will just have to accept it.”

“Do you think he will?”

“Yes, I think he will. She has much more to offer than I do. He should choose her, it makes sense.”

“You said it’s irrational.”

“And that’s why I still have hope.”

“I feel for you Castiel. I wish I could help you.”

“You are helping me. Just by listening to me, you help a lot.”

“Good. You deserve happiness, you know that, right?”

“Do I? After all I did?”

“Yes, you do. I wish your happiness was Heaven and your brothers and I, but even though we’re not, you deserve happiness.”

“Thank you Samandriel. You are very kind to me.”

“Jesus, but you two are boring!” Balthazar groaned appearing behind Samandriel. “I’d have thought getting laid would loosen you up, Cassie, but here you are pining for that mud monkey more than ever!”

Castiel rolled his eyes, but smiled at Balthazar.

“I’m not pining and before you continue – I’m not moping.”

“Sure, you’re not.” He laughed. “But just so you know – your ‘not moping’ face is suspiciously similar to your ‘sure as hell moping’ face. Anyway, soooo… Tell me!”

“I’m not going to tell you anything, Balthazar.” Castiel frowned. “You’re perverse enough without the addition of my sex life information.”

“I really, really don’t want to be present for this.” Samandriel groaned. “Find me, if you need to talk to me, brother.”

Castiel turned to him with grateful smile. “Thank you. I will.”

With that Samandriel took off and Balthazar rubbed his hands in glee.

“So, now that the prude is gone, tell me!”

“I’m serious, Balt, I’m not telling you the details.” The angel sighed and continued. “I went to see him. He prayed for me and I… I went to see him.”

“Yes, that much I know!” He hissed. “Tell me what happened then.”

“Well… we talked. He seemed so guilty, you know? As if it was his fault somehow. As if I would ever begrudge him the happiness he’d found.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I really am glad he found a way to cope and finally found some happiness. I just… I wish his happiness was with me. But… Whatever he decides I’ll accept it.”

“Yeah, that’s not moping at all, Cassie…”

“It’s not. It’s resignation. I won’t do anything to sway him my way – if he’s happier with Lisa, which I think he is, I’ll just let him be.”

“And what about you then?”

“What about me?”

“What about your happiness?” Balthazar groaned as if speaking to a child. “What about what you want?”

“It’s irrelevant.”

“It’s not irrelevant to me, Cassie, and it shouldn’t be irrelevant to you. You deserve to get what you want to and I'm tired of your never ending martyrdom with regards to that human. His happiness is not the only thing that matters here.”

Castiel smiled sadly.

“It is to me.”

“But why?” Balthazar asked exasperatedly. “What is so special about him? Why do you let him ruin you?”

“Have you ever loved?” Castiel asked in return. “You don’t choose it and you don’t control it. It just takes over and… You have no idea how happy it makes me that it’s Dean I love. He’s strong and selfless and caring and he’s so stubborn that at times he frustrates me more than anything else in this world, but I’d do anything for him. Do you understand that? And I’m so grateful it’s him, because can you imagine that sort of power in someone else’s hands? He could make me do anything he wanted and I’d do it without hesitation and yet… He never even asked for anything.”

“Never asked for anything? You’ve died for him, Cassie!”

“Yes, and it was my choice, not his, and I’d choose it again.”

“You know, you’re like a poster child for why not to fall in love. Honestly, I think I’d do pretty much anything not to.”

“Well…” The angel’s lips quirked into a small smile. “It has its perks.”

“Yeah, I bet all the sex has something to do with it.”

“It does.”

“You know, I think someone screwed up your education – you don’t necessarily have to fall in love to get laid.”

“I know. But it’s not just that. It makes you really happy too.”

“If you say so…” Balthazar shrugged.

“So you mean you were never in love?” Castiel asked curiously and for some reason Balthazar wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“I didn’t say that. All I said was I understood why not to.”

“Then I hope one day you’ll understand why one should love as well.”

“Alright, Cassie, this heart to heart is getting on my nerves. Let me know once that idiot decides, and I swear, if he breaks your heart again, I’ll strangle him myself.”

“You will do no such thing, Balt. If he chooses to stay with his family, I’ll accept it, so will you and that will be that.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes, but then suddenly pulled the other angel into his arms and hugged him tightly.

“I hope he’s not a complete idiot, Cassie.” He muttered silently, seriously. “I hope he can see what he has here and I hope he chooses right. Your happiness is not irrelevant.”

It startled Castiel – the solemn intensity of his friend’s voice, his earnest regard of Castiel’s happiness – but before he could react, hug him back or ask him why it mattered so much, Balthazar was gone.

 

 

 

“Sammy, open up! Let me in!”

“Dean?” He opened the door and looked at him worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” He growled. “Is that how you greet your brother? Let me in!”

Sam stepped aside letting him enter but still staring at him.

“I thought you weren’t speaking to me.” He said cautiously.

“Yeah, about that. I kind of overreacted I guess.”

“You think?”

“Don’t push it. I’m still pissed.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“I promised I’d make up with you, so… yeah.”

“You promised? To whom?” He asked and then gasped. “You’ve seen him.”

“Yes, I’ve seen him. The fool finally came to me. Anyway, I promised I’d speak to you. Look, I know why you did that, but Sammy, you had no right to keep that from me. You know how I am about him.”

“You’re with Lisa now.”

“It doesn’t matter, Sam. It’s my life and he was a big part of it. I had right to know he’s alive. I’m so fucking happy he’s alive that I don’t understand why you two would want to keep that from me.”

“Cas didn’t want to hurt you.” Sam said slowly, watching Dean.

“I understand why Cas did it. But you are my brother and you promised me time and again there’d be no secrets. Castiel is part of my life. You should have told me.”

“Ok. You’re right, I should have told you. I wanted to, but he asked me not to and he was so desperate…”

“Even more reasons to tell me. You think I wouldn’t care for him?”

“That’s the thing. I think you would’ve, but it’s not your place to care for him anymore. You have Lisa and Ben now.”

“Yes, I have Lisa and Ben…” He sighed.

“Dean, you’re not saying…”

“I’m not saying anything. Not now anyway.”

“Dean you’ve got a family! I know you’re not married or anything, but that doesn’t make them any less your family.”

“I know!” Dean growled. “But tell me this Sammy, if you’re so smart – how does that make Cas any less my family?”

“What the hell are you saying, Dean? Now you’ve got yourself some kind of an extended family?”

“No! Oh, fuck it… I just don’t know what to do, Sam, and I really need to talk to someone.”

Sam had known his brother all his life and although ‘feelings talk’ was not a usual situation to them he recognized this as his queue and pulled out a bottle of whiskey at once.

“Sit down.” He said and poured a generous portion of whiskey for him. “You drink this, I'm going to order pizzas and we’re going to talk about all this. You’re going to tell me what’s been running in that head of yours and we’ll sort things out, alright?”

He waited for his brother to nod and then went out to call for pizzas. When he came back, the glass he left for Dean to drink was empty, but Dean’s eyes were no longer wild.

“So, talk to me.” He said sitting down and pouring them both some more of that whiskey.

“What the hell am I going to do?”

“What do you want to do?” Sam asked in turn and wasn’t that just a question of the century?

“I want everyone to come out happy out of all this.”

“I don’t think that’s an option.”

“No, probably not… What do I do?” He asked desperately.

“Well, talk to me first. What is it you want?”

“I want Cas.” He said at once. “I fucking want Cas. I don’t see how I can live without him anymore.”

“And what about Lisa and Ben?”

“I don’t know.” He groaned. “I mean I do love Lisa, but… I never loved her the way I love him. What I feel for him is so… It’s overwhelming. It’s fucking everything.”

“You don’t necessarily have to go into too many details, you know?” Sam grinned despite himself.

“If you mean I shouldn’t tell you how we’re bumping uglies, then don’t worry, I won’t.”

“Dean!”

“What? I said I won’t. I could…” He grinned reminiscently. “But I won’t”

“So what is it? Why is it hard?”

“There’s Ben to consider. He needs a dad and I… Fuck, I want to be that dad.”

“You can’t do it for a kid, Dean. You know you can’t.”

“It’s not just the kid. They both were with me when it was really bad. I owe them my life. If I hadn’t met them, I would be dead by now. And it’s good with them. I feel at home with them. It’s easy and… It’s just good.”

“Ok, let me put it this way – if Cas left…”

“No!”

“You’re kind of answering my question before I actually asked it.” He scowled. “What I was saying – if Cas left, could you be ok with that?”

“No.”

“And if Lisa took Ben and they left, would you be ok?”

“I don’t want them too.”

“Just answer the question.”

“I wouldn’t be ok… I want them in my life. I just… It’s not the same as it is with him. If… If Cas was with me I think… I could maybe find a way to deal with that.”

“And what if Lisa and Ben were with you and Cas left. Would you be able to move on?”

“I can’t lose him again. I can’t fucking lose him again!”

“Then here you have it.”

“I want him.” There was hint of amazement in his voice. It was Cas all along. There was never a choice, not really. It was always Cas.

“Then why don’t you end this torture for all of you and just be with him? He will be so happy!”

“He will, won’t he?” Dean smiled.

“The way that angel loves you! It’s absurd!”

“He really does.” Dean nodded. Now that the decision was made he felt like he could breathe again. Yes, there was still a lot of pain ahead, because Dean did love Lisa and Ben, but right in this moment, he felt liberated. He could have Cas back. How was that even a question? Of course he was always going to choose him. It had always been Cas.

“It’s beyond me what does he see in a dumbass like you, but hell – he’s an angel, he should see goodness in everyone!”

“Watch it!” Dean warned him, but he was still smiling. “I’ve never done anything to deserve him, you know. I’m so freakin’ lucky!”

“Yeah, you are! Here’s to lucky bastard!” He raised his glass and they both drank. “I’ve got to ask, now that we can speak about Cas without you flipping out on me. How the hell did you two get together in the first place? I mean you of all people falling for an angel! A male angel at that!”

“Well it wasn’t easy, I can tell you that!” Dean laughed. “I freaked. The first time I realized I felt something for him, I actually freaked! Do you remember the streak of women back when the apocalypse was still on? Remember I told you we’ve got to get the best of life before the freakin’ planet was toasted? Yeah… I had a different reason.”

Sam laughed at that and emptied his glass before pouring more to them both.

“Just before then, Cas came to me and asked me not to let Michael take me. The look he had on his face… I had dreams about that look alone that were better than some of the sex I had…”

“Argh!” Sam groaned. “Visual images are not my thing!”

“You asked!”

“Yeah, but could you skip over the parts that have anything above PG13?”

“Ok, then we’re kind of done. I fell in love, he did too.”

“Oh come on! Just spill it in the tamed way!”

“Fine, but really – you’ll be missing all the good stuff!” He laughed. “Anyway, it really got going after Raphael almost killed him, remember?”

“No shit! It started that long ago? Why the hell didn’t you tell me anything?”

“Again – I freaked! Do you remember my reaction to almost losing him? I thought I was going insane. And even before that – I was constantly worried about him. The fool kept going out without wearing a scarf or a sweater – and by the way that weirdo hates sweaters – in the middle of the winter and I thought he’d get freakin’ pneumonia or something! Or get hit by a car while ogling at the Playboy ad! I realized what I was feeling about him was beyond usual friendship. And really – how many friends do I have? I wouldn’t have bought any of them pair of warm shoes to make sure they don’t get cold…”

“Yeah, I remember. You were fussing about him all the time.” Sam chuckled.

“So anyway, after the Raphael thing, I knew I was kind of in trouble, but it really only hit me the night we went to a bar and that fool got himself a girl… I was so pissed I could have ripped her apart.”

“Right, I remember you staring at them! I thought you liked her and wanted her. I remember thinking you were being such a jerk – she was the first girl to be interested in Cas and here you were ogling at her.”

“Not at her, at him! Anyway, that night I kissed him for the first time. And I was a goner… An idiot, granted, but at that very night I knew I wanted him.”

“But didn’t he leave with her? Yeah, he only came back couple of days later.”

“No… An idiot that I was, I told him I made a mistake by kissing him. It turns out he didn’t take it very well. He just spent some time alone to get hold of himself.”

“You were an idiot.”

“Yeah… So when he came back I was pissed at him for leaving with her and we didn’t really speak that much for the next couple of days. By that time I knew I had to do something, but before I could, he left us again. Fuck, I was so… desperate. When I could no longer take it, I just called him back. We talked, did some stuff that’s above PG13 standard – mind you, nothing in NC17 area yet - but still good. Anyway, then the idiot left for his fucking war… Before anything really exciting had happened, he left again!”

“Yeah, and I bet you had nothing to do with that? No overreaction on your part? Must I remind you that you threw me out to speak to him?”

“Well… I might have overreacted a tad…”

“No shit!”

“You’re gonna listen or you’re gonna judge?” Dean hissed at his brother.

“I’ll listen…”

“Fine. So then Jimmy thing happen and Cas came back. We talked, resolved our… differences and engaged in some full blown NC17 activities. It was fucking amazing!”

“Dean!”

“What? Once you go angel, you can’t go back, I tell you! It’s more than you can take!”

“Honestly – too much information!”

“Fine. We fucked, he went back to war. Better?”

“No!”

“Fine! We had some pleasant conversations and other activities and he went back to war. Good enough for your sensitive ears?”

“Yes, much better.” He laughed.

“Honestly, I have no idea how you’re gonna manage being around us – we touch a lot!”

“You will just have to behave!”

“Yeah, good luck with that! So anyway, that’s about it. You know what happened next. He disappeared and all the hell broke loose.”

“So what happened when he came back?”

“You know what happened – he came to you!”

“Yeah, but I mean what happened when he came to you?”

“Hmmm… How do I put that? We had some pleasant conversations and other activities and the next day he left?”

“You’re kidding me, right? What about Lisa?”

“She was visiting her mother.” He answered ignorantly.

“So let me get this straight – you cheated on your woman with a male angel?”

“It sounds really bad when you put it this way…”

“It really does… He’s a freakin’ angel! How could he do that?”

“He loves me, you moron. He just loves me.”

“Then how the hell could you let this happen?”

“I don’t know. Oh, fuck it. I do know – I just love him that much. I can’t control it – when he looks at me, I have to use all my strength not to jump him! And when he bites that lip of his…” He growled the lasts words out.

“Dean! Get a grip! I don’t want to hear that!”

“You asked! Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear it!”

“Fine…” He frowned.

“Jesus, now I have to speak to Lisa and… It’s so unfair, you know? To her. She’d stuck with me through the worst times, thought drinking myself under the table, through nightmares and tears and… It’s just so unfair…”

Sam looked at him curiously and the sighed.

“You have to be sure, Dean. Don’t rush into it if you’re not. You can’t afford to make a mistake here – there’s too much at stake.”

“I know, I know. And I am sure. I can’t lose him. It’s not really a choice, I just can’t lose him. He’s everything I want. He knows me and he loves me and I will do anything for him.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” His brother nodded. “But it doesn’t make it any less unfair to Lisa. And it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty.”

“No, I suppose it doesn’t. But there’s no other way.”

“I know. I’ll speak to her and then… I’ll have him. I will finally have him!”


	12. ... and Obligations

“Lisa, I need to talk to you.” Dean took her hand and led her to the couch. He spent the last night at Sam’s to sober up and get himself ready to speak to her. Lisa’s been with him through the darkest time of his life, offering support, helping him find something worth living for when all he could see was despair. He ached for what he had to do, hurt over losing her, but there was never a choice, not really, and he’d do it for it all to be finally over. They all needed to move on and the sooner he explained things to Lisa, the sooner they could. That night was a perfect chance as Ben went on a sleepover to his school friend and they were alone.

“Sure. I actually have something to tell you too.” Despite his solemn tone Lisa beamed at him and Dean felt the guilt in him raising its ugly head.

“Um… Yeah, ok, but… Look there’s just so much I have to tell you. I’ve told you some about my previous life, you know, about the hunt and all, but there’s so much more.”

“Will you finally tell me what happened to you? Will you tell me why you were so… desperate when we met?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’d like to talk to you about, but not only that. I want to tell you about my life before we met – who I was and… who I still am.”

“Dean, you know I was hoping you will someday and I’m just so happy that you feel you can finally talk to me! I want to know you, I want to know all of you. But… before you do, there’s something I have to tell you and I think you’ll be really happy about it! Sorry, I’m just bubbling with it; I can’t hold it in anymore!”

Dean smiled at her despite his sullen mood – her enthusiasm was infectious.

“Ok, alright, what is it?”

Lisa took a deep breath trying to compose herself, but it was obvious she could barely sit still with the excitement.

“So you know how I wasn’t feeling too well lately? You know, the headaches and dizziness and overall feeling of sluggishness?”

“Yeah…” Dean frowned. Her mood and the topic didn’t seem to match all that well.

“It turns out there was a reason for that.” Lisa continued looking expectantly at him with the broadest smile.

“Did you go to a doctor?” Dean asked confusedly.

“No, not yet. But I did take a test!”

“A test?”

“Jesus, Dean, sometimes you’re as slow as a turtle in a wheelchair. I’m pregnant!” She chimed laughing. “I’m pregnant!”

 “You… You what?” He asked quietly. He couldn’t have heard it right.

“I know! I wasn’t expecting that too! I mean, I’m on the pill and I never missed one or anything. But… Oh God, I still can’t believe it! Dean, we’re having a baby!”

Dean just stared at her blankly.

“You’re pregnant?” He asked again feverishly trying to wrap his head around it. “You’re pregnant?”

That seemed to catch Lisa’s attention, a frown marring her expression now.

 “Dean, are you alright? I mean… It’s good news, right?”

It took couple of moments for Dean to pull himself together, couple of long seconds of silence and utter inability to speak.

“Yes.” He finally breathed and shook his head to clear it. He’d think later, now he needed to be here. “Yes, of course it’s good news! You’re… I mean, are you sure?”

“Well, I’ll have to go to a doctor, but I did the test and they’re like 99% correct, so yes, I’m pretty sure!” She was smiling broadly again. “Are you… I don’t know. Are you happy?”

“I’m going to be a dad.” He said silently, still dazed. “I’m gonna be a dad again.”

“Again?”

“Ben.”

“Oh.” She laughed happily then. “Yes, I suppose you’re gonna be a dad again!”

She wrapped her arms around Dean’s neck, bubbling with joy and happiness. Dean hugged her back, holding her closely, if somewhat carefully. It didn’t trouble Lisa – she knew it was because she was carrying a new life in her. Everything was perfect.

 

 

 “Sam, what the hell? Is it some sort of cosmic joke?” Dean was back at Sam’s the next day. It pained Sam to see his brother like that – his shoulders slumped, his eyes darting.

“Dean…”

“No, really! Is it some kind of a sick joke? I can’t have what I want no matter what I do, but hey – why don’t I have something else I really want?” He laughed bitterly. “I wanted to have a kid someday, I really did, but honestly, why now? Why did it have to happen now, when I made my choice and was happy with it?”

“I’m sorry…”

“That’s the thing though! How can you be sorry? You’re gonna be an uncle! And how the fuck can I be sorry when I’m going to have a kid?” He was almost yelling now.

“I’m sorry you’re losing him again.” He said simply. “I’m sorry for the pain you’ll go through and I’m sorry for the pain he’ll go through…”

“How can I leave him? Seriously, I don’t know what to do without him. How am I supposed to live without him? How am I supposed to tell him I can’t be with him anymore? How can I fucking leave him when even the thought of it makes me want to scream?”

“You’ve got to get real now, Dean.” Sam said suddenly, sternly. “Lisa’s pregnant, she needs you and so does the baby. You’ve got sort out your priorities!”

“I know that! I just don’t know how am I gonna handle it.”

“You’ll pull yourself together and you’ll do the right thing, do you hear me? You can’t put this on Cas!”

“I’m not going to!”

“Really? It sounds to me that you are! This is your mess, you clean it up! Don’t you dare ask him what to do! Don’t you dare show him how much it hurts, because it hurts him tenfold!”

“I fucking know it’ll hurt him! Why’d you think it’s so hard? You think it’s me I worry about? Get real! It’s not about me, you moron! It’s him I care about!”

“If you care about him then do it right! Tell him you’ll be happy with Lisa, because that’s all that keeps him sane!”

“You think it’d be better if I told him this is what I want?” Dean asked startled. He hadn’t even considered that.

“You fucking right it would! Honestly, do you know him at all?”

“And how the hell do you know him that well?” Dean hissed, anger flaring suddenly. “Been spending a lot of time with him, haven’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That means you should leave him alone!” He growled. The idea alone of Cas being with anyone enraged him beyond reason.

“What? Are you fucking out of your mind? You’re going to break his heart and you want me to stay away?!” Sam shouted now. “You don’t deserve him, you idiot! What kind of love is that if you want him to suffer alone?!”

It was all it took to get the fight out of Dean. He hid his face in his hands and just sobbed silently.

“I don’t want him to suffer… I want to be with him… I just want him…”

“Will you leave Lisa and the baby for him?” Sam asked silently, but persistently.

“I can’t…” He sobbed out.

“Then just end this. Don’t make it harder on any of you, just end it and move on.” Sam sat beside Dean and hugged him. “I know it’s hard, but don’t make it even harder. If you’ve got to do right by Lisa, then just do it. Everything will be alright in the end – you managed to almost get over him once, you’ll do it again. You’ve got a good life with Lisa and Ben. And now you’ll have a baby to care for. It’ll all be ok Dean.”

“Yeah… And you… Will you take care of him for me? Will you make sure he’s alright?”

“Dean… You know he won’t be alright – the way he loves you… But I’ll do the best I can. He’s my family too, you know, even though you always thought he was your angel.”

“He is my angel.”

“Well guess what – he’s mine too.” Sam said simply and the frowned at the expression on Dean’s face. “Don’t you give me that look! I know he’s yours in many ways I don’t even want to think about, but he’s my family. He’s almost a brother to me, whether or not you like it.”

“I like it. He’ll need family now.” Dean nodded. “Jesus, how can I tell him I no longer want him? How do I do it? Sam…”

Sam pulled his brother into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Dean…”

“I just… I just thought I could finally have him, you know? I thought I finally got to keep him…” Dean hid his face in his brother’s shoulder and sobbed soundlessly.

“I know and I’m so sorry.” Sam repeated hugging him tightly. “But you have to let go, Dean. You have to end it and then move on and let him move on too, because it’s going to be too hard on both of you otherwise.”

Dean froze for a second and then pulled out of Sam’s arms.

“I know.” He said after few long, steadying breaths. “I know, I’ll do it. You just take care of him, alright?”

“I’ll do everything I can. He won’t be alone, Dean. I won’t let that, and neither will Samandriel and Balthazar for that matter.”

“Balthazar?” Dean seethed. “Are they… Do you know if they’re close?”

“Jesus, Dean, what is this?” Sam asked exasperatedly.

“I don’t like that asshat. He’s… The way he looks at Cas makes me want to strangle him with my bare hands!”

 “Oh my God, enough with the jealousy! Balthazar saved him from Israfil. He was his friend many centuries before you were even born and he was the one who kept looking for him long after everyone else up there gave up. Cas has told me once Balthazar is his closest brother and now… He will need all the support he can get and Balthazar will definitely be there for him.”

“Brother my ass!” Dean hissed. “He can’t wait to get his paws on him!”

“Dean!” Sam growled. “Look, I know it’s hard, but you have to let him go. You can’t string him along, you just can’t. And… Well, that means that if somehow he ever gets over you, he might find someone else. I’m not saying he would, given how much he loves you, and I sure as hell am not saying it’d be Balthazar, but if he did, it’s his life and he has all the rights. You have to let him go.”

Dean stared at him silently for a few seconds trying to wrap his head around it. The mere thought of anyone, much less a sleazebag like Balthazar, with Cas made him want to break something. The sleazebag’s arm, preferably. But Sam was right, wasn’t he? He couldn’t expect Cas to be alone always. Yeah, sure, he was before Dean, but now that he knows what’s it like to be in love, to have someone, he wouldn’t choose being alone anymore. And how was it fair for Dean to have a family, Lisa and kids, and still expect Cas to love him and only him? Except that the idea alone of Cas with anyone else made him want to scream.

“Do it right, Dean. Let him go.” Sam pleaded with his brother and finally Dean nodded.

“Fine. And I’ll do it right. I’ll make him believe I’m happy.” He flinched. “It won’t even be that difficult – he believes I’ll choose them anyway.”

“Yeah, well, neither of you two is good at seeing yourself clearly. He thinks he doesn’t deserve you, you know? He actually thinks he’s got nothing to offer. And you… You’re and idiot, granted, but you’ve got all he wants and you don’t even know it.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re right; I have to do the right thing. Just… Take care of him, please? He’s been through so much, I wish I could… well, you know what’s it like, you’ve been on the receiving end of torture.”

“I’ll do all I can Dean.” Sam promised. “He’s family.”

“Yeah… Yeah, he’s family.”

 

 

 “Castiel? I have to speak to you, Cas. Please come.” He sucked in a deep breath, composing himself.

Cas appeared in front of him, careful to keep his distance and for the first time in ages Dean felt unbelievably grateful for that. He had to control himself perfectly now. He had to do this right and Cas’ proximity was the one thing that could make him lose it.

“Hello, Dean.” He smiled his small smile which faded into nothing as he drank in Dean’s expression. He knew he had barely a flicker of hope, but it turns out he had hoped nevertheless.

“I need to talk to you.” Dean said as calmly as he could.

And now Castiel smiled sadly at him.

“You came to a decision.” He stated. There was no question now.

“Yes. I’m sorry Cas, I really am. I never wanted to hurt you. But it’s the right thing.”

“I know.” The angel said simply. And he did know – Lisa was better for him, it made sense.

“Lisa and Ben are my family. I love them.”

“I know.” He repeated, but despite everything his shoulders slumped a little with the weight of the loss. He thought he’d made peace with it, with the knowledge that Dean belonged elsewhere, that he wasn’t his to desire, but in truth these words cut through him like a blade. Deeper, perhaps; certainly deeper than Israfil’s blade ever managed.

“We’re… We have a happy life here. I mean... We work, you know? It’s like… It’s not the tide of everything like it is with you, but it’s good and constant and comforting. And fuck it, Cas, I really need something stable and good in my life!”

“It’s alright, Dean, you made the right choice.” He had no idea why, but he felt Dean needed the reassurance. It hurt him to say this, but it was the truth – Cas really believed Dean was doing the right thing. In the end of the day all Cas ever wished for him was happiness. There was selfishness and possessiveness hidden deep inside him, but those traits didn’t define him. First and foremost he loved Dean and wanted him to be happy. Even if that meant Dean left him behind.

“I feel like shit for what I did to you, Cas.”

“Don’t. I made my choices, you made yours. Free will, you know. I have no regrets.”

“Will you… Will you forgive me?”

“Dean… You fail to grasp what I’m telling you. I have nothing to forgive you for. You didn’t do anything wrong, nothing at all. We’ve just been… Well, what else were we to expect? What kind of relationship could we have had? Those few moments together were all it could have been, really. I mean, I’m not even human – there’s literally nothing I could offer you. And… I think it’s better this way – at least we didn’t really try before you saw that too. This way I can lie to myself convincingly it was just not meant to be rather than that you simply didn’t want me anymore.”

Dean dropped his gaze to the floor trying to keep himself together. With all his being he longed to pull Cas into a hug and never let go. He would spend his entire life telling him just how wrong he was, how much he really wanted him, how much he loved him. It wasn’t Cas that didn’t have anything to offer, it was Dean who didn’t deserve this kind love and it pained Dean he couldn’t tell him that.

“Hey, it’s not a lie. I wanted you.” The usage of the past tense seemed wrong on so many levels. “I just… I love my family, I need them.”

“I understand.” The angel nodded. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to come to you in the first place. I didn’t want to put you into this position; I never wanted you to feel guilty about choosing your family.”

“Cas…”

“It’s alright, Dean. I… I saw you with them. You looked happy and… I know how much family means to you and I’m glad, really, genuinely glad you have one. You deserve every good thing that comes to your life and I couldn’t… I’m just happy for you, Dean.”

“Jesus, Cas…” Dean almost whimpered.

“No, no. I’m not saying that to hurt you.” Castiel rushed on at once. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it in a hurtful way, I just… I can’t bring myself to regret anything. This is what I’m trying to say. I don’t regret loving you, I don’t regret the time we had together, I don’t regret coming back to you, even for a little while and… Dean, I don’t regret you choosing them as long as that makes you happy. I love you, Dean, and I don’t regret that either.”

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” Dean dropped his eyes and curled his hands into fists. Any moment now, he’d break any moment, and he’d beg, literally beg Cas to stay with him.

“I know.” Castiel said solemnly. “But I don’t want you to be. I want you to be happy. You will be happy, right?”

“I will.” Dean forced out. “I wish… Jesus, I wish I could make it easier for you…”

“Just be happy then, it’ll do the trick.” He smiled sadly again and then asked. “Can I hug you?”

Dean just stepped closer and pulled him into a hug without a word.

“I’ve said goodbye to you so many times now.” Cas whispered resting his head on Dean’s shoulder. He took a deep breath to steady himself, but also just to feel Dean one last time. It was wrong and he knew it, but it felt so right all the same. “You’d think it would be easier.”

“No, it’s not easier. I hate saying goodbye to you. I really hate it.” And still he wouldn’t let go.

“I wish you didn’t have to. I know it’s unfair and incredibly selfish of me to tell you this now, but I really wish you didn’t have to.”

“It’s ok, Cas. I wish I didn’t have to hurt you too. But I can’t have everything and fuck it – I’m really not that kind of a person. I wouldn’t want to cheat on either of you… Damn it, Cas, if only there was a way for us to be friends again!”

“Yes, well… Maybe sometime, some years from now, we’ll meet again and will be able to be friends? Have a drink and a few laughs about the time we used to… love.” This was absurd of course. The lifespan of a human was too short for the angel to stop loving, but maybe he would be strong enough to pretend?

Dean’s arms tightened around him involuntarily.

“I wish we did. Cas… You’re still family, you know? I understand you probably won’t want to see me, but at least visit Sammy, ok? He loves you too.”

“I know.” Cas said and finally tried to pull back. Dean held on for a second longer and then forced himself to let go of his… No, of _an_ angel.

“Goodbye, Cas. Take care of yourself, alright?”

“You too, Dean. And be happy.” With the last glance at the former hunter Castiel sighed and disappeared.


	13. Not Your Man

“Cassie, I’m so sorry…” Balthazar sat down on the bench beside Castiel and leaned into him. Castiel nodded, his eyes tracking the jerky movements of the kite high above them. In the cloudless sky of an endless Tuesday his eyes were bluer than ever. “He’s an idiot for letting you go.”

“No, he’s just happy without me.”

“That’s exactly why he’s an idiot.” Balthazar repeated soothingly.

“I knew he'd choose them. I really did. I don’t understand why I’m so disappointed though.”

“You’re disappointed, because you hoped.”

“Did I? I thought I didn’t. I tried my best not to.” Castiel mused, his eyes still on the kite.

“Cassie, you need to let it go.”

“No, Balthazar. What I needed to let go was Dean. I let him go and I won’t go back, I won’t go see him ever again. But I don’t have to let go of what I feel for him. That is my alone and I intend to keep it.”

“Cassie…”

“Don’t. I know you mean well, but telling me what I need to do won’t cut it. This feeling… It’s all I got left of him and I’m keeping it.”

“If you don’t let it go, it won’t be better.”

“No, probably not, but I will also get to keep him the only way I can. I love him.”

“He chose his family.”

“And I choose him.”

“What does that even mean?” Balthazar asked desperately.

“It means I intend to love him. He made his choice and I will never interfere with it nor will I try to dissuade him from it. I won’t go see him again; I won’t let him know I still care. But I will continue loving him, because he’s permanent for me. In the countless times I’ve been on Earth and millennia I spent here in Heaven, not once did I see something that made me stop. Dean did. I saw him in Hell and the sight made me stop in my tracks. He was exquisite. Even in the filth of Hell he was beautiful. He made me stop so many times now – the first time I saw him on Earth, the first time he taught me human life was important, the first time I saw the lengths he was willing to go for the ones he loves. He makes me stand still and value seconds, when I couldn’t have bothered to value centuries before. He is the first ever choice I made and I will always choose him.”

“Yes, it’s all very touching, but he’s not with you anymore!”

“He wasn’t with me when Israfil had me, but I still loved him then. Why do you imagine it’s different now?”

“Because now you know you won’t have him.”

“I knew it before, too. It’s inconsequential, anyway.”

“I don’t understand you, Cassie. Ok, I understand the hurt part, but you need to start letting him go. He’s with his family, you need to let go.”

“I think we’re going in circles here.” Castiel frowned. “I don’t have to let go of my feelings for him and I don’t intend to. I think you should drop this.’

“You know you can be a stubborn ass, right?” Balthazar asked exasperatedly. “Fine, you love him. I’ll be here when you finally stop.”

Castiel tilted his head questioningly.

“You’re sure I will?”

“Pretty sure, yes.” He agreed.

“Well, then I guess I will prove you wrong.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes at that. There was no talking to this lovesick fool.

“At least tell me how are you feeling?”

“Miserable. Alone. Unwanted.” Castiel said slowly. “But I can bear it.”

“You’re not alone. And you’re not unwanted.”

“Thank you, Balt.” Castiel almost smiled, just a tilt of the corner of his lips. “I’m lucky to have you.”

“Yes, yes, I’m real joy.” Balthazar chuckled. “You will let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you?”

“Yes, I will. I don’t think there is anything, but I will let you know if this changes.”

“Alright. You hold on now, Cassie. It’ll get better.” The angel promised and hugged his friend.

 

 

“Man, it’s been five months! Let’s get out, go play bowling or something!” Sam whined as Cas shook his head resolutely. That’s the way they roll apparently – Sam calls for Cas every once in a while and as Castiel comes, he tries to distract him with some nonsense, some silly proposals or sometimes, and those are the times Cas likes the most, the hunt. The hunt does it for Cas. He focuses on the hunt. He becomes his former self – emotionless, calculating and deadly efficient. He knows it freaks Sam out, but he loves the hunt. He feels an angel again when he hunts. He feels useful and needed. And so despite hating this composed and lethal Cas, sometimes Sam asks him to join him, because it makes Cas forget Dean for the time being and also because… Because Sam is lonely too. This loneliness above all other things is what brought them together. Sam can feel the pain and loss rolling of Cas every time they meet and he knows Cas feels his loneliness too.

“I don’t wish to go bowling or something. You shouldn’t call me from Heaven for such trivial things.” Cas scolded although he knew this is not why Sam called him. He called him because he cared about him and that made him a little less miserable.

“Yeah, yeah. You should only be called in case of the mortal peril, I know.” He frowned. “Cas, would you let yourself live a little? It could be fun!”

“I let myself live a little. It didn’t turn out great for me.” Cas flinched.

“Sorry…”

“It’s alright.” Cas nodded and then he asked before he could stop himself. “Is he alright?”

And that was also the way they rolled. Castiel never went to actually look at how Dean was doing and he tried his best not to ask about Dean, not to pry into his life, but it always just slipped. The need to know Dean was alright was stronger than any resolve he could muster.

“Cas!”

“Just tell me Sam. I just need to know.”

“He’s alright.” He lied smoothly. Sam mastered this lie, he had to.

“Good.” He sighed with a painful mix of relief, gratitude and loss.

“Ok, I have the case. If you really don’t want to just chill for a moment, then we can just work on the case.”

“I want to work on the case.” Castiel agreed at once. He needed this distraction more than anything.

“Fine, let me get my stuff and you can zap us to Connecticut – I think there’s a vendigo there.”

“I like how you don’t mind me ‘zapping’ us. I hate going places by car.” Castiel confessed. Dean didn’t like zapping so Cas would go with him by car, but it made him scowl a lot.

“Yeah, I know I’m the smart one in the family.” Sam laughed. “Honestly, if you had to pick whose angel to be, you should’ve picked me!”

Castiel’s face fell at these words.

“I didn’t get to pick.” He said silently.

“Oh, man, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it this way, I was just joking around, that’s all…”

“I know, it’s alright… I am your angel too, you know. You’re family.”

“I know, really. Look, just forget it, ok? I know you’re tender around the edges with the whole Dean thing, I should’ve been more sensitive about it.”

“Let’s not talk about that, ok? Let’s just go to Connecticut and banish that vendigo.”

“Ok, I’m ready. I know I said I’m ok with the whole zapping thing, but dude – you better not drop me!”

“You’re being ridiculous Sam. I would never drop you.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know you angels – you sneaky that way!” He laughed.

“I’ve never been sneaky in my life!” Castiel scoffed indignantly. “And I have never dropped anyone while… zapping.”

“Yeah, and you were never the one to get the joke, too. You fool, I’m just messing with you!”

“Oh… Well quit it, I’m not in the joking mood.”

“No shit. Ok, let’s go Cas. Oh, and after we’re finished, you take me someplace to eat – I’m starving.”

Castiel rolled his eyes exasperated and then placed his hand on Sam’s shoulder pulling him into the darkness.

 

 

 “Dean, I think we need to talk.” Lisa came down from their bedroom to the living room and sat on the couch next to Dean.

“Yeah?” He raised his eyes to meet hers. She was sad and that pained him. She was usually sad these days.

“Yes. This can’t go on and you know it. I need you to talk to me.”

“I don’t really…”

“Don’t you dare tell me there’s nothing to talk about, Dean.” There was a steely glint in her eyes now. “I’m pregnant, not stupid.”

“Lisa…”

“I got you were badly hurt when we started things. I saw your suffering even though you tried to hide it from me. I assumed you’ve lost someone you loved and that threw you off completely.”

“Why do you want to talk about that?” He asked wearily.

“Because I understood it then. I tried to help you, to support you every way I could. I saw the man you were, Dean, – good and honest man, a good father to my son and I wanted to pull you out of whatever depths you were in, to have you in our lives. I thought it was working – you became part of our lives and we became part of yours. But now… What happened Dean? Why did you pull away?” There was a plea so desperate in her voice now that Dean could barely resist.

“I didn’t pull away. I just… There has been some stuff on my mind lately, stuff I need to deal with. And I’m just really tired.”

“You’re so tired you didn’t have sex with me in over six months now?” She asked bitterly. “You’re so tired you prefer to sleep on the couch almost every single night? I mean I get it, I’m pregnant and maybe… I don’t know, maybe it’s just not your thing. But six months ago it wasn’t even showing!”

“Lisa, that’s not it. Please calm down; it’s not good for you two.”

“Then what the hell is it?” She asked pleadingly again, but then pulled herself together sucking in a deep breath. “Is there someone else?”

“If you’re asking am I cheating on you, the answer is no, I’m not.” Dean replied flatly.

Lisa looked at him for a long while.

“This is not what I’m asking Dean.” She said finally, her eyes widening. “Is there someone else?”

And now Dean looked at her for a long while. He looked at her drinking in the sadness in her eyes, the suspicion and fear. He looked at her marveling at how big she’s gotten being almost seven months along. He looked at her and tried to find the strength to lie again and to make it count.

“No.” He said finally. “There’s no one else in my life but you.”

“You know how I said you are a good man? That’s your greatest weakness too – you just can’t lie…”

“I’m not lying Lisa. It’s just you.”

“Then what changed six months ago?” She asked persistenly. “It’s not the pregnancy, because you changed even before I told you I was pregnant. It has something to do with the accident, doesn’t it? You were never the same afterwards.”

Dean couldn’t help marveling how perceptive she was and how ultimately well she knew him despite his lies and pretences.

“Let’s just stop it, ok? Nothing’s changed. I’ll get through this and it’ll be alright.”

But the woman just shook her head.

“No, it won’t be, because no matter what you say, you’re not really with me, Dean.”

“I’m right here!”

“Are you? And where are your thoughts when you’re right here? Where are your thoughts when I have to ask you the simplest of questions couple of times before you even hear me? Where are you, when you think I don’t see you and I see that same expression of pain on your face that was there all that time ago? What have you done, Dean? What changed?”

“Please…” He begged silently now.

“Did I ever tell you Ben’s father had asked me to marry him?” She asked all of the sudden changing the subject. “I didn’t, did I? Yes, well he did ask me to marry him. The way he put it – ‘I’ll do good by you, Lisa, that’s my responsibility, my kid…’. I threw him the hell out of my life and I never regretted it. I’d much rather raise the kid alone, as I have already done, than live this half life. I want to be with the man who’s mine, do you understand?”

Dean dropped his gaze to the floor. He understood, alright. He wasn’t really hers. In the bottom of his heart, he remained Cas’.

“I knew you were taken when I met you last year. But you had lost love and I thought we might build a home together, since you had no hope of reuniting with her. I thought she was dead and that made all the difference – there was hope for us. Is that true? Did you lose your love?”

Dean nodded his head silently. He didn’t trust himself with words now.

“Yes, and devastating as it was, you let us into your life and we were good. But now… There’s someone else… You’re not with us anymore.”

Dean hid his head in his palms for a second. He just couldn’t do it anymore. He’ll be the jerk and an asshole who left his pregnant woman, but he couldn’t be this liar anymore.

He raised his head and met her eyes.

“Yes, there’s someone else.”

Lisa’s shoulders slumped and she started shivering slightly.

“I knew there was, but the lies you tell yourself are still so powerful…”

“I’m so sorry… I’m so fucking sorry…”

“Don’t! Do I know her?” She asked fiercely.

“It’s not like that. I’m not cheating on you.” He said silently.

“Aren’t you? What do you call this? Or is it love you have with her?” She saw the truth in Dean’s eyes and gasped. “When the hell did you fall in love with that bitch?”

“It’s not like that.” He repeated and then took a deep breath before continuing. She had the right to know the truth and he’d tell her as much as she wanted to hear. “It’s the same person I thought I lost… Six months ago I found out he was alive.”

Lisa looked at him bewildered as the both pieces of information sunk in. The same person? He was alive? HE?

“Did you say ‘he’?” She asked incredulously.

“Yes, I said he.”

“Since when are you gay?!” She shouted now, unable to contain herself.

“It’s complicated…”

“It sounds simple as hell to me – you’re in love with a man!”

“Well… Actually, I’m in love with an angel.”

It took couple of moments for Lisa to process that. She gaped at him, wide eyed, bewildered as the pieces of this heartbreaking puzzle fell neatly into their places.

“Castiel.”

Dean nodded.

 “Yes, Castiel.”

“That’s just insane! How’s that possible? What… What were you thinking?”

“It’s not about thinking. I fell in love with him long ago, long before we met. I thought I lost him. He… There was a war and angels… They fought and Cas was very much involved in the whole thing. They were supposed to win and they… They did, but Cas disappeared and those other angels told me he died and… You saw me then and you were right just now. I had no hope left, they all said there was no way he was still alive, so I just… I quit. The hunting and everything, I just quit. And then I met you and Ben and… I love you both very much and I really thought we might make it work.” His voice was full of anxiety now.

“And then he came back and… What? What kind of relationship is it anyway? He’s an angel! Aren’t they supposed to be good? How could an angel do this to my family?”

“He didn’t.” Dean said at once. “Once he saw us, he left; he didn’t even show up to me. It’s Sammy who called him when I was dying, he wouldn’t have come otherwise… And even after that, he refused to come back for a long time – he didn’t want to come in the middle of this.”

“Well, he sure as hell did it anyway!” There were tears in her eyes now and it pained Dean, but he had to make it clear.

“No, he didn’t. He had always been here. He was here to begin with and not the other way around. Look, it’s my fuck up, not Castiel’s. I know you’re angry and disappointed, but it’s me you should be angry with. He told me to stay with you time and again. He never wanted to break our family. It’s all me, Lisa. It’s I who just can’t do this anymore.”

“Then why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“You’re pregnant.” He said silently. “I never wanted to hurt you in the first place and least of all now!”

“Are you kidding me?!” She shouted. “You were pulling ‘let’s stay together for the kid’s sake’ bit on me?”

“I thought I was doing the right thing.” Dean tried to explain. “Hell, I knew I was doing the right thing. I didn’t mean to stay with you for the kid, I wanted to save this family the whole family, you, me, Ben and the kid. I thought I might be able to do that, to push Cas away, to pull myself together and make all of us happy again!”

“But you can’t, can you?” She asked silently now, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“I really can’t.” He replied and there were tears in his eyes too. “I will do whatever you want, I will help and support you in any way you want, but I can’t do this. I love you, I really do and I want to be the dad for Ben and the kid, but I just can’t be your man… I’m so fucking sorry, Lisa…”

She suddenly clutched his shirt and hid her face in his chest, crying silently. Dean wrapped his arms around her tiny shoulders and cried with her for the loss of the family that was dear to him no matter what, for the pain he inflicted to her and is still to inflict upon Ben, for the loss of the future that was once already in the horizon, but now nowhere to be seen… And all the while he stroked her hair and murmured his apologies in broken whispers, wishing there was a chance for her to forgive him.

 

 

Dean lied motionless on the bed of the motel room staring at the ceiling. He’d been lying like this for a long time trying to sort through the mess and jumble of different thoughts and emotions in his head. The motel room was so familiar it was absurd. He hadn’t been living in a motel for almost two years, but the habits were there as always. This motel room, more than anything else, proved that he no longer had home. He considered going to Sammy at first, but decided not to. Not yet anyway. He needed to think and to decide what he was going to do next.

The way they left it off with Lisa had given him hope that maybe they would make it work somehow. They agreed neither Ben nor the baby should suffer for Dean’s mistakes. Ben loved Dean and Dean definitely loved Ben and Lisa knew it. She knew Ben would be devastated if Dean left for good, so she allowed Dean to visit twice a week. This felt more like a divorce than anything else.

In the end Lisa, although heartbroken and devastated, was still the same person he fell in love with. She was kind and caring and she promised to work with him on getting all this mess work for the sake of them all. This was more than Dean deserved. He was a complete asshole to all of them, including Cas,

Cas. What the hell was he supposed to do about Cas? He wanted him still, more than ever, but… He had left him so many times now. What if Cas refused to come back? What if this is definitely it? Even so, he knew he made the right decision to tell Lisa the truth. She was right in the end – it wasn’t fair to keep her without being truly hers. Even if Cas didn’t come back, Dean knew he’d done the right thing in the end.

He stood up from the bed and looked around.

“So what now?” He asked the empty room. “Hunt again? Travel the country up and down all the time?”

He knew he wouldn’t do it. He had Ben and the kid now and they needed him. He won’t become his father, coming back every couple of weeks, just to tell him he’d done something wrong. He’d stay here.

“Then what? New life?” He asked again. “What can I offer him? What the hell do I have to offer?”

And wasn’t that the question of the lifetime – what could he, Dean Winchester, offer Castiel?

“Oh just fuck it.” He finally muttered to himself. “He’ll take me back or he won’t, it’s as easy as that.”

With that he went to take a shower.

 

 

“Cas?” He called. He sat on his bed again, his hair still dripping wet. He felt fresh again. He felt as if he had washed the immense load of him. He did the right thing in the end, even though that made him a complete jerk. “Cas, if you hear me…”

 

 

“Sam, do you know if something’s wrong with Dean?” Castiel asked suddenly. They were in a diner in the middle of nowhere.

“No, why?” He asked wearily.

“He’s calling me.”

“Oh shit, what now?!”

 

 

“Cas, it’s not an emergency, I just want to talk to you… If you don’t want to, you know… You don’t have to come, I just wish you did.”

 

 

“He’s alright. He just wants to speak to me.” Cas exhaled with relief.

“No!”

“Sam?”

“Cas, don’t you go there. I’ll kick his stupid ass when I see him! What’s he playing at? For crying out loud, he has a family! Why would he drag you back into all of this?”

“I don’t know. I want to go.” He said silently.

 

 

”Cas, even if you don’t want to come… I just wanted to tell you that… Oh fuck, Cas I can’t speak about this to the ceiling! Please come!”

 

 

“Cas, don’t do this! You’ll get hurt again, don’t you do that…” Sam was looking at him with so much pity now. And yet Cas could barely resist the pull, the urge to go back.

“It might be important.” He said reasonably although his longing to go was far from reasonable. It was pure need to go.

“Of course it is! It’s always important, but seriously man, if he’s not in a life threatening condition, just don’t go. Don’t start this over… I’ll speak to him when we go back, ok? I might as well put him in the life threatening condition myself!” He hissed. He was so angry with Dean now. The idiot had asked him to take care of the angel, to make sure he was ok and now he was threatening to destroy all that he managed to do! Not that there was much to destroy – Cas’ every spare thought was with Dean and Sam knew that very well.

 

 

“Castiel, I know I’m not worth it, I know I don’t deserve your time anymore, but please, I’m begging you… If you care for me even a little bit, please come.”

 

 

“I’m going Sam. I’m sorry. I have to go.”

“You two are plain idiots!” Sam growled, but then just shrugged. “Fine, go. You know where to find me when he breaks your heart again…”

“I’m sorry.” Cas repeated.

 

 

“I’m here.” He said silently and watched as Dean jumped up startled and then sighed with relief.

“You came.” He said incredulity and gratitude tinting his tone.

“Yes, I have no strength to withstand your calling.”

“Oh, thank God.” Dean mumbled. “Could you come and sit with me for a moment?”

Castiel approached him and sat on the corner of the bed. He was weary of what was happening. He sensed Dean was sad, miserable even and had no idea why.

“I told her everything.” He suddenly said and looked the angel in the eye.

“What do you mean?” He tilted his head.

“I told Lisa about you and me. I told her everything and then I left.”

Castiel looked at him for a long moment failing to understand what he was hearing.

“Why?” He finally uttered.

“Because I couldn’t lie anymore.”

“Lie? But you… I thought you were happy!” There was a tone of accusation in Cas’ voice.

“No, I wasn’t happy. I tried to be, I really did, but I wasn’t remotely happy.”

“Why?” He asked again.

“That’s not the right question to ask, Cas.”

But this time Castiel just couldn’t ask that question.

“You said you wanted them.” He said flatly.

“I lied.”

“No…”

“Yes, I lied. I wanted to want them, I thought it was right to want them, but I just didn’t, not the way I should.”

“You said you would be happy!” He accused again.

“I lied. Well, not really. I tried, but there was no way I could make it.”

“Why?”

“Again, not the right question, Cas.”

“You’ve left me to be with your family.” He said flatly looking down at his hands.

“I had to try. I would have hated myself if I hadn’t tried. Cas… Back then I made a decision to stay with you. You are part of me, I knew it then and I sure as hell know it now. But… When I was about to tell Lisa I’d be leaving, she told me... Fuck it, Lisa’s pregnant.”

“What?” Cas raised his head now. His expression was shifting from disbelief to anger. “Is this some sort of the cruel joke?”

“No, of course not!”

“Why did you call me? Did you want to share the happy news?” Castiel was furious now. “Do you want my congratulations?”

“Cas…”

“No, Dean. This is enough already. I thought you at the very least cared about me, but really, what kind of affection is this? What are you doing now?”

“What am I doing? I’m trying to explain you why I left you again! I never wanted to leave you Cas! It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but… I thought I was doing the right thing! I thought I owed them at least that much – a chance to bring us all back together.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means that I had to be sure. That also means that I am now. I know what I’m doing, don’t you doubt that. I know I’m the biggest jerk on this freakin’ planet – I’m leaving a woman who loves me and who’s expecting my child! But Cas…”

“No.”

“What do you mean no?”

“I mean you’re not leaving your family. Not for me.”

“You fucking idiot! I’m not doing it for you! I did that already, before even telling you or knowing you’d come back to me. I did it, because ultimately it was the right thing to do. Lisa deserves a man who’d love her and be hers. I’m not that man, that’s as simple as that. I love her, sure, but I’m not hers. I’m fucking yours for a long time now!”

“But she’s expecting your child!”

“And I’ll be the father for both the kid and Ben, but I just can’t be with Lisa anymore. God damn it, Cas, I haven’t really been with Lisa since you came back! I… For fuck sake, just ask me!”

“No.”

“You no longer want to?” Dean’s voice broke.

“It’s just not right. I can’t destroy a family, I just can’t…”

“You’re not doing it.” He was pleading now. “I already did that. It’s done Cas. It sucks and I know I’m the biggest asshole, but… Look, if you don’t want to come back, then... It freakin’ sucks and just plain hurts as hell, but I can understand that. I made my mistakes, I know I never treated you right and I’ll have to live with it. But I won’t go back to Lisa. Not only because it’s not fair to her, but also because I simply can’t. I don’t want to be with her anymore.”

“I can help you…” The angel muttered after a long while. There was pain in his eyes, but also some wild, feverish determination Dean really didn’t like. “I can make you forget about your feelings for me. I can erase those memories and leave you with your love for your family, for your unborn child. I can erase the memories of you leaving from Lisa’s mind and you all can be truly happy again. You can still be happy.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dean yelled. “Are you crazy? Who do you think you are, a freakin’ God?”

“I just want you to be happy Dean!”

“So you’ll live my life for me?! I have a bunch of painful memories, why don’t you fucking have a go at those too, while you’re at it?”

“Dean…”

“No! Don’t you dare even speak to me about that! If you don’t want to come back…” He sucked in a shaky breath and shook his head. “Look, no matter what happens next, my love for you is mine, do you understand me? It’s mine and you have no right to take it away. I love you, Castiel, and I intend to carry on loving you. It’s a free will we’ve been fighting for, right? So here you have it – I choose to love you and it’s my choice. You have your choice too…”

Castiel stared at his hands trying to understand what it was he felt. He loved Dean, that hadn’t changed a bit. But he was also so tired from hurting all the time. And there was an innocent child to consider. Sam told him again and again he had to let go, and yet here he was again, listening to words he wanted to hear so much.

“I just don’t know if I can do it again...”

“Oh… Um… Ok.” Dean flinched. There was a long silence between them and then Dean spoke again quickly, almost feverishly, as if he was afraid Cas would disappear any moment.

“Ok, I’ll tell you how I feel anyway – I want you, Cas. I love you with everything I’ve got and I fucking want you! I want to spend every day of my remaining life with you. I will give you whatever you want as long as you take me back. I will love you forever. We will have any relationship you want. I’ll treat you right. I’ll tell anyone who’d listen that I love you if that’s what you want. It’s your call now, Cas. It has always been my call, although I had no right to make these decisions for us. It’s your call now.” He suddenly kneeled in front of Cas who was still sitting motionlessly on the corner of the bed and looked him in the eye. “Do you still want me?”

Castiel stayed silent for a moment longer and then exhaled loudly.

“I will always want you.”

“Will you think about it?” Dean asked pleadingly. “Will you think about us, you know, trying once more?”

“No.” He shook his head and Dean’s face fell. Castiel placed his hand on the side of Dean’s face and caressed his cheek with his thumb. “I won’t think about it because there’s nothing to think about. I love you Dean.”

“You do?” Dean asked hope shining brightly in his green eyes now.

“Always. I will always love you.”

“I will always love you.” Dean echoed and kissed him gently. This was all it took – all the misery drained from both of them in that single kiss and they pulled on each other, trying to get the most of it. They stood up, not breaking the contact, and hugged each other firmly.

“I will never say goodbye to you again.” Dean promised resting his forehead against Cas’. It sounded so much like a vow that Castiel simply smiled.

“You better not. It’s always so hard to stay away from you…”

“You won’t have to, not again.” He pressed his lips against Cas’ once more. Just a quick peck. “I missed you so much!”

“Not half as much as I missed you.” He breathed and then asked suddenly trying to roll his sleeves up, to look at his scars. “Is this real?”

Dean took his angel’s hands in his restraining him gently from exposing the scars. He looked him in the eyes steadily, trying to ground him.

“It’s real, Cas. It’s you and me now and it’s so fucking real I want to scream about it! I will always love you and this is also real.”

“Ok.” The angel nodded and gave his hunter a small sweet kiss. “Yes, ok. It’s real.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys! Thanks for staying with me so far - it's been a great ride and I enjoyed it immensely. I only hope you did too! Thanks to everyone for the support and there's still an epilogue left, so stay tuned!


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally got around to posting the epilogue. Hope you enjoyed the ride of this story - it's been great for me! Thanks for reading and commenting - you have made my days :)

“Are you sure?” The angel asked for a hundredth time and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Cas.”

“It’s just… Well, it’s going to be hard for her! I wouldn’t want to see you with her if it was the other way around!”

“Come on, Cas! We’ll have to find the way to make this work and Lisa agreed to try. We’ve been through this ten times already.”

“I know, but…”

“No, there’s no but. I have Ben and I’m gonna have one more kid soon. They are part of my life and so are you, so suck it up and let’s go. You have to find a way to be able to stay in the same room!”

“Dean, I just don’t want to cause her pain. I know how hard it is to lose you…”

“Yeah, well there’s nothing we can do about that, is there? I spoke to Lisa and I explained this is not your fault. She knows we were together before I met her and she knows I love you. She understands, Cas. And it’s been a month already and I spoke to her countless times and she really is ok with meeting you.”

“Well, why couldn’t you have chosen a worse person? Someone I wouldn’t feel so sorry for?” Castiel growled and then sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that… It’s just… Let’s just go.”

“Hey, look at me.” Dean invaded Cas’ personal space and wrapped his arms around his angel’s waist. Castiel fixed his eyes on Dean’s and relaxed visibly. The hunter still had the same soothing effect on him. “It’s going to be ok. I’ll be right there with you and it’s going to be fine. Lisa’s strong and she really is a nice girl, she understands.” He brushed his lips across Cas’ and continued softly. “And you don’t get to blame yourself, ok? It’s not your fault, you hear me? If you blame yourself, then I have to blame me and I don’t want to do that. Neither of us had a choice. If anything it’s that dick’s Israfil’s fault for taking you from me. Once I found out you were alive, there was no way I could carry on with my picket fence life. And if you once again tell me you shouldn’t have shown up, I’ll kick your ass.”

Castiel rested his forehead against Dean’s and sighed silently.

“I just hate feeling so guilty. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t give you back, but it’s still…”

“Yeah, I know. She’s the one who got the short straw, I know.”

Castiel closed the gap between their lips and they both pressed closer to each other.

“I love you.”

“I love you. And now move your feathery ass and get us to Lisa’s.”

 

 

“Lisa, you remember Cas.” Dean said as they both walked into the living room he used to share with her. He could feel the angel tense further at his side. He was never the most relaxed type, but right now it seemed he could spring back from the smallest movement. He did get a grip of himself though as he inclined his head towards the pregnant woman.

“Lisa… It’s… good to see you.” The angel muttered and fixed his eyes on her. He could see the pain in her eyes, but along with it was an acceptance. If there still was hope hidden in her that she and Dean could still be together, it was not showing in her eyes.

“Castiel. Dean has told me much about you.” Her voice was even, no anger or bitterness, but Castiel could feel all those emotions raging in her. She was angry, of course she was, but it’s not even him or Dean she was angry with. It was just so unfair to her and there was not much any of them could do about it. But most of all she was just in pain for losing the man she truly loved. This was the pain, grief even, that Castiel could so easily relate to. He turned to Dean.

“Dean, could you leave us for a second?” He asked and the hunter cocked his eyebrows in surprise.

“Why?”

“Dean.”

“It’s ok Dean.” She sighed. “Ben’s upstairs, why don’t you go see him, he’s been waiting for you.”

Dean glanced back and forth between them and finally nodded and left the room. Castiel turned back to face Lisa and sat on the couch next to her.

“Lisa, I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but Dean said we have to make it work for all of our sake.” He started slowly and before she could interrupt, continued. “I know what happened is not fair to you and please know that I never wanted to hurt you. When I saw Dean formed a family with you, I had no intentions of coming back, you have to know that. I personally believe Dean should have found a way to stay with you, because he could’ve been happy with you.”

“He loves you.” She mumbled.

“Yes, but he loves you too. And Ben. And the baby you’re carrying. And it’s a lot of love…”

“That’s not that kind of love that forms families. He was miserable the last months he spent here. I saw how bad it was but I had no idea why he was so unhappy. And the last month… He comes to see Ben and I see his guilt and shame, but I also see how happy he is. I once saw him speaking on the phone with you… It hurts me to say this, but I’ve never seen him this way. The look on his face… He never looked at me this way and you were not even here! He loves you and he was right to go for you.”

“I love him too.”

“I can see that, Castiel. I should have seen that the time you healed him…”

“Lisa, there’s something I can actually do to help you. If you’re willing that is.”

“What are you talking about?” She asked frowning slightly.

“This pain you’re feeling… I can help. I can make it go away.”

“What? How?”

“Well, the easiest way is to erase the memories that cause you pain, but this is not an option here, since we’re all in this together. There’s another way. You will remember everything, including loving and losing him, but the pain associated with this loss will no longer be there. Humans think their love is in their hearts and of course this is incorrect. They also think the love is in the soul, but this is only true in very few cases. Mostly love is in your head. It is triggered by the reactions and chemicals in your brain – you feel the rush of endorphins when you see the person you love and that makes you happy. Consequentially, not seeing them makes you miserable, causes you pain, because the brain is already used to endorphins. I’m of course oversimplifying things, it’s much more complicated than that and it does involve emotional and subconscious attachment, but the pain you feel is not subconscious – it is merely driven by chemicals in your brain. What I can do is… To put it in simple words – it’s a fast rehab course. I can clean the endorphins and the lack thereof from your system and you will no longer be in pain. The emotional attachment will remain, but of course neither of you would want it any other way, but the love in terms of chemical, base sense will no longer be there and thus you will not be in pain.”

Lisa stared at him seemingly at the loss of words.

“Is it safe?” Dean asked. He was leaning at the doorframe and apparently heard what Castiel had said.

“Yes, there’s no danger to Lisa or the baby.”

“Dean, I’m sorry, I know you’re not going to like it, but I have to ask.” Lisa said suddenly and Castiel was almost sure what her question would be. “If you can do that, why didn’t you make Dean stop loving you? We had a family…”

Dean growled under his breath at that crossed the room to put his hand on Cas’ shoulder.

“That’s not fair, Lisa. He blames himself already!”

“Dean…”

“No, Cas, shut up. Lisa, it was my decision. I love you and Ben and the kid, but Cas is… I chose him and I will always choose him. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard, but I love him and I’m never letting him go.”

Lisa took a deep breath and nodded. “I understand…”

“Besides,” Dean continued, “he actually wanted to do that, but I would never let him.”

“Lisa,” Castiel fixed his eyes on hers, “the only way I could have stopped him loving me was to make him forget everything. And still he would feel the loss of it, even though he wouldn’t even know what he’s missing, till the end of his days. What we have is not purely base and chemicals. I have a part of his soul in my grace and he has part of my grace in his soul. I can strip away the love, but we will always be connected.”

They both stared at him for a moment until Dean cleared his throat.

“Dude, that was… Intense.”

“So there never was a chance, was there?” Lisa asked silently. “You’re never coming back?”

“I'm sorry Lis, I’m really not coming back…”

The woman turned her head back to the angel and there was steely determination in her eyes.

“Do it. I don’t want to be in this pain anymore. If there’s no hope… I’d rather skip forward to when I no longer love him.”

Castiel looked at Dean for his acceptance too. Dean nodded and Cas pressed his two fingers to her temple. Lisa gasped silently and her eyelids fluttered. When she finally opened her eyes, Castiel smiled. Now that there was no pain in her eyes, he could see how bad it really was.

“I… I feel… Good!” She mumbled and laughed.

Castiel smiled slightly and let out a sigh of relief as Dean moved his hand to rub the back of angel’s neck.

“You’re really ok?” Dean asked and Lisa nodded.

“Yes, I really am! Oh my God, it’s such a relief! I mean I love you still, but you’re like a… I don’t know, friend? Family? Anyway, it doesn’t pain me anymore, whatever this is!” Lisa stood up from the couch and gave her hand to Castiel, who stood up as well. “Thank you, Castiel! Thank you!”

She wrapped her arms around Castiel’s shoulders and buried her face in his neck. The angel hugged her back.

“Do you mind if I bless… the baby?” He asked catching himself. “Do you know the gender?”

Lisa shook her head stepping away.

“No, the doctor wasn’t sure. Why? Do you know?”

“Yes. Do you want me to tell you?”

Both Dean and Lisa answered at once.

“Yes!”

“It’s a boy. You’re having a boy.”

The parents looked at each other with similar grins crossing their faces.

“Can I bless him?” Castiel asked again.

“An angel wants to bless my baby?” Lisa laughed. “I'm not saying ‘no’ to that!”

Castiel glanced at Dean and seeing him nodding put his hands on Lisa’s stomach. He murmured something in Enochian and then drew some sigils with the tip of his index finger. Finally he stepped back and smiled at Dean.

“He’s strong, that one. He’s going to be remarkable!”

“Daniel.” Lisa said unexpectedly.

Both Dean and Castiel stared at her.

“I’ve been thinking about Daniel. You two are going to be in his life and… There’s symmetry I inexplicably like in it. And it has a sound to it, you know?”

“It’s a beautiful name, Lisa.” Cas muttered. “Daniel was the prophet of the Lord and he was a great man – courageous, loyal and wise. Both you and Dean share the qualities of Daniel.”

“It’s settled then.” Lisa smiled and Dean stepped forward to hug her.

“Thank you.” He muttered in her ear. “Thank you for accepting us and thank you for letting us into his life.”

“It’s going to work out Dean. Now more than ever!”

 

 

“Sam! Get your ass back here!” Dean yelled. He poured the popcorn into a bowl and shoved it in Sam’s hands. “Take that. And do you want beer or hunter’s little helper?”

“Beer’s fine. When’s Cas coming?” Sam asked. Tonight was their movie night – something they all decided to have every other week ever since Dean had found and rented the apartment he and Cas were now living in. Movie night was good for Cas, because the angel still lacked the basic understanding of pop cultural references and it was good for both Sam and Dean, because with Dean not hunting anymore they had limited time to spend together.

“Any minute now. Samandriel needed his help with something. Cas mentioned runes or sigils. I don’t know, I’ve been… distracted when he explained the thing.”

“You guys are disgusting.” Sam scowled but then grinned. “Hey, and no touching during the movie!”

This was one of the movie night’s rules – no touching, no kissing and generally, nothing that would make Sam bleach his brain. Both Dean and Cas were very fond of breaking that rule.

“Yeah, yeah.” Dean agreed absentmindedly. Cas should be there by now.

“He’ll be here, stop worrying.” Sam said and they both heard flutter of wings.

“Hello Sam.” Cas nodded and then pulled Dean into a hug. Sam rolled his eyes and went to the living room to give them a moment.

“Missed you.” Cas muttered silently trailing kisses down Dean’s jaw. Dean chuckled and pressed an open mouthed kiss at Cas’ lips. He ran his fingers through his angel’s perpetually messy hair. “Missed you too.”

Dean pulled back then getting a growl from an angel.

“Come on! Sam will have an aneurism if he has to bleach his brain again!” He laughed and pulled Cas towards the living room. They settled on the couch and Dean wrapped his arms around his angel. Sam rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything. For a man who always said he hated cuddling, Dean turned out to be a ball of cuddliness and Sam knew the lost battle when he saw one. As long as they were not making out with him being right there, he’s fine.

The movie Dean picked up for the night was Godfather – one of his all time favorites. Dean liked watching movies with Cas and Sam, because they both watched them with unwavering fascination. They both also liked to nerd out on films – discussing every little detail, arguing if it was possible or not. It was fun to watch, because to Cas almost everything was possible and no matter how often Sam said people can’t do some things, Cas could always come back with ‘well, maybe they have an angel helping them – this does happen’. Sam would roll his eyes and shut up while Dean would laugh and kiss his angel.

“Cas?” Sam asked after the movie was done and he was getting ready to crash on their couch.

“Yes?”

“Do you want to go on a hunt with me? I’ve been tracking this succubus and from experience I can say it’s a bitch to deal with them, so I wondered…”

“Of course. Succubus venom does not work on angels, I will be glad to help you hunt it down.” Cas agreed at once. “I like hunting with you Sam.”

“Hmm…” Dean groaned.

“What?” Both Sam and Cas asked.

“Do you guys think it’s maybe time for you to retire too?”

“No.” They both replied and burst out laughing.

“Dean, hunting is something Sam and I got into doing when… you know. I like it, it’s fun.”

“Yeah, I know it’s fun, it’s just… Sam had always wanted an apple pie life and it kind of seems unfair I’m getting one when he keeps hunting.”

“It’s my choice Dean.” Sam said and smiled. “I mean I’m not going to hunt forever, but for now… It’s really what I want to do. And plus, hunting with Cas is a piece of cake! He’s awesome!”

“Don’t I know!” Dean laughed and pulled Cas closer to him.

By the time they finished watching the movie, both Sam and Dean were half asleep. Cas pulled Dean up from the couch and Sam opened his eyes and looked at them curiously.

“Cas, I’ve got to ask – you don’t sleep, do you?”

“No, I don’t require sleep.” Cas said.

“Ok, so why the hell do you stay for the night? And I don’t mean the gross stuff, but after, you know. I mean it’s creepy to watch someone sleep.”

Dean chuckled at that.

“I enjoy the peacefulness of sleep. It’s quiet. And Dean sleeps better when I’m around, no nightmares.” Cas said and smiled at Dean fondly.

“Oh… Ok then. No nightmares, that’s good.”

“Besides, it’s Cas’ home too, where else would he be?” Dean asked and then grinned. “Once you get over the freakish staring, it’s all good anyway.”

“If you say so, Dean. I personally wouldn’t want Cas to watch me sleep.”

“Well hell! I wouldn’t want that too.” Dean laughed and Cas nodded quickly.

“No offence Sam, but you are really not my type. Not that it would matter, because Dean and I… It’s for good. I will never be away from him again.”

“Don’t want to kill the mood and everything, but… Have you thought what will happen when Dean gets old? I mean, you don’t grow old.”

“No, I don’t. But that doesn’t matter. I will be with Dean always. And after… When he dies, I’ll find my way into his heaven. I found him once and I’m nothing but determined when it comes to this. Besides, Samandriel promised he’d grant me this last choice.”

“Dude! Why haven’t you told me that?” Dean stared at him wide eyed.

“Because we have time. There’s still a lot of human life we get to experience together before we go up there.”

“So it’s real then, isn’t it? You’re with me for good?”

“Yes, Dean. I’m with you for good.”


End file.
